Page 60 of The Wrong Track

“Has your family met Ella yet? I don’t remember hearing about them coming here.”

“No. No, we’re not—we don’t get along anymore. She’s—no. We don’t talk.”

She looked completely confused. “Then how did you know all that about your sister? About the awards and her successes?”

“I read about her,” I admitted. “I look on our high school’s website and I read the local paper, I see if there’s anything public about her on social media.”

“That means that you must not talk to your mother, either,” she said, and I didn’t answer. “Why do you have this breach between you and your family?”

“I did—things happened,” I answered, chopping up the words again. “They don’t want to see me anymore.” And then Charlene looked at me with that worried mouth and I knew I’d made a huge mistake. She’d been thinking good things about me, or maybe only that I was ok, normal. Now I could see that she was back to wariness, like I might have been a threat.

“I didn’t do anything,” I announced, but that had been the problem, hadn’t it? “It wasn’t my fault.” No? “Things happened. And then, I needed to get away before I ruined everything for Lily. If I had stayed there with her, it would have all rubbed off on her too.” I closed my eyes and when I opened them, Charlene was staring hard, like she was really, really worried.

“Remy—”

“I’ll take the baby,” I said, and I did. “Are you finished? I’ll take your plate, too.” I put it in the sink and then went quickly to find my inhaler.

Charlene left not too long after that and I was so angry at myself that I could hardly hold it in. Why had I said anything to her about my family? Why hadn’t I pretended that everything was wonderful between us? Why had I tried to explain the situation, when I couldn’t even think of that time of my life without getting so upset—and then—I couldn’t—

I reached for the inhaler again. “It’s ok,” I told Ella, who seemed to be reading my mood and was getting testy. Charlene must have communicated the issue to Hazel and Monica because they both called me, Hazel just to say hello and Monica to see if I had a recipe for three-bean salad. I didn’t know what that was, and it was a terrible excuse to talk to someone. I tried to convey a happy, calm mood for both of them and even held the phone to Ella’s ear so she could make some of her noises, which everyone enjoyed. They seemed to believe that I was competent at the moment to take care of her.

At least Charlene hadn’t called Tobin, or if she had, he hadn’t been worried enough to contact me. Maybe he believed that I was fine. I didn’t need anyone doing safety checks on me or the baby because I could take care of the both of us, just like I’d done for Lily when she was little.

Who had gone to get her when she’d thrown up in her after-school program? Me, after skipping out on my cross-country practice and taking a bus across town. Who had helped her when she got her period for the first time, who had explained the whole tampon deal and given her medicine for her cramps? Who had helped her fill out the application for Sidsworth Hall Preparatory Academy and had sewn the dress she’d worn to the interview?

I wiped off my face and told Ella that it was ok, I wasn’t crying. I gave her a bath on my own and then we read books together before I put her in her crib and she snuffled her way into sleep. I went into Tobin’s room to lay down, too. I put myself on his side of the bed because it smelled so good, and I hugged the pillow that he still insisted on putting between us. I was glad for that pillow because it meant that he respected me. He respected our relationship and the pillow was a line he wouldn’t cross.

Except he did reach across to hold my hand, which I really, really liked. And sometimes he reached over in his sleep for me, not even aware that he was doing it. He put his hand on my waist or my hip, or once, on my butt. I had stayed frozen, carefully not moving when that had happened, not sure how I was feeling or how I should react.

I wasn’t reacting very well at the moment. I shouldn’t have talked to Charlene about my sister and I shouldn’t have even gotten close to what had gone on at Sidsworth Hall. I turned in the bed, trying not to remember that anymore. The party had been so loud…no, I had to stop thinking about it. I turned again and reached for the inhaler. I’d felt ok as I was running today but it must have been bad for my lungs to restart like that because now I was really having trouble. I worked on calming breaths.

I did that for a few hours, but this was a bad one. It was bad. The names blurred and shook on my screen but I did touch one and the phone called her.

“Hello? Remy?”

“Can you come here?”

“Remy, is that you?” Hazel’s voice was fuzzy with sleep. “Is something wrong?”

I focused all my strength on talking. “Can you come here?”

“Yes, what’s—Hatch, get up! Something’s wrong with Remy,” I heard her say, and then she said more to me, too, but I dropped the phone and it was too much effort to pick it up.

I’d tried to call Tobin but he hadn’t answered. I needed someone to be here with the baby, someone had to take care of her. I thought that I should find that phone again and to my surprise, I realized that I was already on the floor. It was near my hand and I reached for it but my vision was dimming. I fought against that and fought to put air into my body. Ella needed someone first. I had to stay awake until Hazel got here and then I could let go.

“Holy shit! I think she’s unconscious.”

Charlene’s face waved above mine. Charlene? “Ella,” I tried to tell her, and there was another woman holding my baby. Who was that?

“Remy?” Charlene bent down. “What did you take?” But I couldn’t speak and she turned to the other woman. “I know she was arrested for drugs, but I don’t know what kind. Where is the ambulance?” She brushed hair out of my face. “Sweetheart, what are you on?”

I closed my eyes.

And then it was like when Ella was born, with unfamiliar hands touching me, noise and confusion, and now something also went over my nose and mouth.

“It’s asthma,” I heard someone say frantically, but I closed my eyes again.

∞

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