Page 130 of Tarnished Queen

“Nothing is wrong,” he says. “But I lied about my dad killing himself. My dad didn’t kill himself. He isn’t even dead. He was actually here tonight.”

My eyes widen. “Here? Like…herehere? In the house? When?”

“After you fell asleep. He stopped by to see me.”

“You see him? Not only is he not dead, but he drops by for visits? I don’t understand why you’d lie about that. Is it because of my dad?” I ask. The words are all coming out in a torrid rush. “Did you feel bad that my dad was dead so you lied to me about yours?”

My stomach roils. I’m not with Nikolai because of his family or his past, but being with someone whose situation is just as messed up as mine has been comforting. And now, I’m finding out it was all bullshit.

“It isn’t like that,” he says, shaking his head. “Tonight is the first time he has dropped by. Ever. And it’s only the second time I’ve seen him since I was a kid. He saw our wedding announcement in the paper and wanted to come offer his congratulations.”

“You haven’t seen him since you were a kid, but he came to congratulate you on getting married? Am I still asleep? Because none of this is making any sense at all.”

“It’s because I’m doing a shitty job of explaining it.” For the first time, I see a shot of anxiety streak through Nikolai. He drags his hand through his hair. “He came to see me because I visited him a little while ago. I’d just found out you were pregnant and that I was going to be a dad, and I wanted to see him. That kind of opened the door, I guess.”

“Okay,” I breathe, setting that aside to process later. “So what’s true then?”

“My mom really died, and my dad lost it. He couldn’t handle that she died and he couldn’t do anything to stop it. He fell into drugs and drinking. Anything to numb the pain.”

“Wow. He must have really loved her,” I say softly.

Nikolai’s attention snaps to me. His gray eyes are narrowed. “He did. And it destroyed his life.”

“Well, love didn’t do that—” I start to say.

He interrupts me. “My father was beyond help. In many ways, it would have been easier if he’d died.”

“He abandoned you,” I guess.

Nikolai nods. “I was just a kid, and I lost both my parents in one fell swoop. He was too far gone to care much about me, but I cut him out of my life anyway. Everything else I’ve ever told you is true. I grew up as if he was dead. I made it without him.”

The panic starts to fade as the admission settles. “So your dad is alive. Is he going to be part of your life now?”

“Not in any way that matters,” he says. “I’ve learned everything I need to learn from him. Mostly how not to live my life.”

For the first time, I can imagine Nikolai as a little kid. I can see him scared and alone, making his way through the world without anyone there to guide him.

I reach out to stroke my fingers through his hair, but he turns his head at the last second. I curl my hand into a fist and let it fall against the mattress. “You’re a better man than he could ever be, Nikolai. You’re loyal and dependable. You take care of people.”

“I’m not worried about being like him,” he snaps. “I’m nothing like him. I’m not going to abandon my children. I’m going to make the world better for them.”

“Children?”

Nikolai’s expression is open and vulnerable, but as soon as I voice that silly question, I watch it shutter closed.

“Child,” he growls. “I only have the one. Unless you have a secret you’re keeping.”

“No, just the one. For now,” I say gently. “But we could have more… if you wanted. We could have a family.”

The idea settles over me like a warm blanket. The image of a whole brood of dark-haired, gray-eyed babies is enough to bring tears to my eyes. Though that could be the pregnancy hormones speaking.

I want it. All of it. I want a future with Nikolai, and I’m tired of tiptoeing around that fact.

“Do you want a family?” I press. “Would you want more children?”

His jaw works side to side. “I don’t know what I want, Belle.”

Some small part of my mind is waving a red flag, trying to warn me off. But I’m too high on this night. Nikolai dropped tens of millions of dollars on a wedding gift for me and we spent one of the most passionate hours of my life together.

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