Page 79 of When love and Hate Collide

“JJ, if you need anything at all, please call me and I’ll be there.”

I smile sadly and wipe away the tears with my fingers, “Yeah? And how do you plan to explain that to everyone?” Dean sighs and rubs his forehead with agitation. “I’ll be fine, but thank you for being there today.” When Dean nods in response, I push the door open and get out of the car, closing it behind me. Dean bows his head and looks at me through the window, we share one last look before he drives off.

The next twenty-four hours, as I expected, felt dreadful. Every hour that passes by my dread grows thicker to a point it’s suffocating me. Am I doing the right thing? How will I live with myself, with this guilt for the rest of my life if I go through with the termination? My brain is working strenuously with the overthinking and whatever I do, however hard I try, I can’t seem to pacify the thoughts in my head or stop the tears.

I pick up the phone to call Dean at least ten times, but at the last minute, I change my mind and set the phone down and continue pacing my bedroom like a lunatic. I stand in front of the mirror looking at my flat stomach.

By hour twenty-six I’m sitting on the floor in my bedroom, staring down at the little pill sitting in the palm of my hand, gnawing at my lip fretfully.

I can’t do it.

Why should an innocent life pay the price of our mistake? Dean and I are responsible for the mess we are in and now it’s up to us to face the consequences, whatever that may be. I drop the pill in the toilet and flush it away.

Well, I guess I’m having a baby.

I’m havingDean’sbaby.

Holy cow, now there’s a sentence I never thought I’d say. Our parents are going to kill us, well my parents will definitely kill me and then Ashlyn will likely never forgive me.

It’s past midnight and the Reyes household is dark. I poke my head out of the window and see Dean’s window is open, though his room is dark, which means he’s gone to bed. I should wait till the morning to tell him that I couldn’t do it, right? Then again, I don’t think I can make it to the morning. I could call him, but I want to see his face when I tell him. Ugh, sod it, I’ll crawl through his window. I done it a million times when we were kids.

I sneak out of my house and jog across the eerily quiet street, praying I don’t get attacked by one of the wild foxes that are always roaming the streets after hours. I scowl up at the window and my stomach swims at the height.

Why is that window suddenly a lot higher and more intimidating than it was when I was younger?

If I fall and break my neck at least I won’t have to face everyone and tell them what a royal fuck up I am. It feels like I’ve gone back seven years to my fifteen year old self, sneaking into Dean’s bedroom to re-arrange his room just to piss him off.

Ah, I’d give anything to go back to those days. To a time when my feelings for him were crystal clear and my only concern was what prank he would pull or what hateful remark he would hurl at me next.

Carefully I climb the metal wall trellis, mindful not to step on any of Aunt Taylor’s beloved flowers. I utter a silent prayer when I manage to safely reach his window and as quietly as I can climb through. Dean is in bed, laying on his side, his back to me. When I slowly pull the covers back and slip into bed behind him, he lifts his head and looks back at me over his shoulder, even in the darkness of the room I can make out his scowl. Dean rolls onto his back and looks up at me quizzically. “JJ?”

“I couldn’t do it.” I whisper, and he just looks at me vacuously for a second as if letting my words sink in before he exhales and leans up on his elbow. “I’ve spent the past twenty-four hours going over every possibility and I know myself, Dean. I don’t think I’ll ever forgive myself if I went through with it. I’ll hate myself.” I explain, my eyes cast down, staring at my fingers fumbling with the corner of my over-sized t-shirt. “This is our mess; an innocent baby shouldn’t have to pay the price for our mistake. We were careless, and now it’s up to us to step up and face the consequences, whatever that may be.”

Dean nods, licking his lips. “I agree,” my eyes lift to look at him, taken aback. Well, that’s certainly not the reaction I was expecting from him. “As terrifying as it is, I’ve had this gnawing feeling in my gut since we made the decision to terminate. I’m relieved you didn’t go through with it.” My shoulders slowly fall and all the tension and anxiety I’ve had cooped up inside washes away and I’m flooded with an overwhelming sense of relief.

I puff out my cheeks and exhale, laying down beside him, “Are we going to regret this?”

Dean shrugs and lays down also and we shift, turning to face each other. “Probably.”

There’s a long moment of silence between us.

“Dean,” I mumble into the darkness of his room when my cold feet somehow entangle with his toasty ones.

“Hm?”

I nibble on my fingernail nervously and heave a slow sigh. Oh God, my head is such a mess. I don’t remember ever feeling this confused or out of touch with myself. I can’t make sense of a damn thing, not my thoughts, not my feelings, everything is all over the place. There is only one thing that is crystal clear—in nine months, whether I’m ready for it or not, I’m going to be responsible for another human being. I can barely take care of myself. How am I going to care for a child? My entire body starts to tremble, and I can’t seem to stop or control it.

Sensing my apprehension, Dean wraps his large hand over mine and squeezes. I’m suddenly very aware that I’m in Dean’s bed and our bodies are edging closer. I close my eyes and swallow thickly, willing my heart to stop fluttering madly like it’s about to surge out of my chest. This is not good.

“I should go.” I tell him quietly but make no move to actually get up and leave. Dean nods and utters an almost inaudible ‘mhm’ showing absolutely no intention of letting me go, especially with the way his muscular arm circles my waist and I’m drawn closer until I’m pressed up against him.

Our legs entwine and I sink into his warmth, the woody scent of his aftershave that he wore early in the day still lingers on his skin, fusing perfectly with the fresh manly smell of his deodorant and his natural fragrant scent. My head goes faint, and I lose my bearings when I feel his lips ghosting mine. Something happens to my body whenever I’m close to this boy. The air around us sizzles, our breathing slow and shallow while we linger, savouring in that desperate need that is flaming between us while we battle with ourselves to resist the urge to surrender to one another.

“Dean,” I breathe, shamelessly rocking against him when he lifts his thigh and presses it against my burning sex. Christ, why is it I can never resist him? What is this unrelenting power we hold over one another that makes us so damn defenceless against each other. It’s one thing us fucking in hotels, but doing it in his bed, under the same roof where his sister—my best friend—is asleep across the hall feels so immoral, but for the life of me I can’t find the strength to resist him. “Dean, we need to stop, we’re being reckless. We both know this isn’t heading anywhere good.”

Dean’s hand moves from my waist to comb his fingers through my hair. Our foreheads are pressed together, lips a hair apart. Dean rocks himself against me and a surge of pleasure ripples through my body eliciting a breathy moan from me.

“Do we?” Dean groans, brushing his soft lips over mine. “Because that moan sounded like it came from somewhere pretty damn good.” Feeling the hard and throbbing length of him pressing against me quells the very last shred of fight I have left in me. Dean’s lips close around mine and the moment our tongues glides over each other there’s no stopping us. We moan together, kissing amorously. Dean rolls me onto my back, his large, burly body covering mine when he shifts his weight so he’s on top of me, and my goodness I love feeling his weight on me, pressing me deeper into his mattress. My fingers rake up his back, tracing every dip and ripple of muscles I could reach. Dean groans quietly into my mouth, sucking my tongue when I flick it over his.

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