Page 78 of When love and Hate Collide

Goddamn it. Why are my limbs refusing to move? I need to push him away and put a stop to this, but it feels like my arms and legs are locked in place.

“Dean, stop it.”

Dean’s lips brush over mine as he speaks to me in a low, deep tone. “Stop what?” My eyes close when his tongue replaces his thumb, and he sucks my bottom lip softly and groans deep in his throat. “Mm, you still taste like me.”

Finally finding my senses I place my hands on his chest and push him back. I open my eyes and peer up at him. “And you taste like you’re threatened.”

Dean chuckles throatily and slowly licks his lips, drawing my eyes down to his inviting mouth. “JJ, you’ll be bored with him now you’ve had a taste of me.”

“Then it’s a good thing I want someone who has more to offer me than his prised cock and a quick fuck.” I point out to him in the same haughty manner, and the smile on his face falters, “Let’s say I don’t end up getting back together with Paxton. What will that change for us, Dean?” I ask him earnestly. “Can we just stop digging each other out and be real for a second? Do you honestly see us being good parents to this baby given the way that we are?” Dean straightens, and his dark brows pinch causing a deep v to form between his brows. “I’m terrified Dean, I made that list like we discussed. Here, take a look,” I take the folded up piece of paper I slid into my back pocket and hand it to him. Dean unfolds it and his eyes scan the writing across the paper. “The cons column has over nine reasons why we shouldn’t have this baby. Look at the pros column. Nothing. I couldn’t think of a single reason to keep this baby.”

“Are you saying you want to… terminate?” Dean expresses cagily when he looks up at me again.

I shrug and shake my head slowly, wiping away the tears that roll down my cheek. I start pacing back and forth. “I can’t see any other solutions, can you?” Dean looks down at the list again and sighs. “Are you honestly ready to be a father and quit your dream job to come back home to work in a job you hate and try to co-parent with me?”

“Of course I’m not, but I’m not thrilled about aborting my kid either, JJ.”

“Neither am I!” I exclaim, sinking onto the swing and burying my head in my hands. Dean moves over to me and perches down in front of me.

“JJ, look at me.” I shake my head and Dean takes hold of my wrists and pulls my hands away from my face so he could see my face. “What do you want to do?”

“I don’t know,” I whisper. “I feel like I’m going crazy trying to figure out a solution that doesn’t end with us both burning our futures to the ground.” I look at him imploringly. “If we tell our families, you know what they’ll do.”

Dean nods sullenly, “They’ll force us to get married.”

I nod, chewing on my lip thoughtfully, “Can you see us married and trying to make it work with a kid? Putting aside the sex, which let’s face it, the passion will eventually burn out and what then? We’ll just resent each other forever and that toxicity between us will bleed into the child’s life. When I pictured myself having a baby someday it was with a man who loves me is excited to build a happy home with me for our family.” I explain desolately and gesture between us. “Not like this.”

Dean sighs and stares down at the ground pensively, “No you’re right, I can’t see us working beyond the sex either.”

I close my eyes and ignore the squeeze in my heart, “So, we’re in agreement. We’re not keeping it.” Dean pinches the bridge of his nose and shakes his head wordlessly before he stands. “It’s still early enough that I can medically terminate, I’ll need to make a doctor’s appointment.”

“Okay.” I peer up at him and he watches me attentively. “I’ll take you when you’re ready.”

I rise from the swing and nod. I should feel relieved, but I don’t, if anything I feel worse, and that giant gaping hole of dread just grows. I have the overwhelming urge to curl into a ball and cry. Dean doesn’t say another word; he turns and walks away, leaving me standing in the playground watching his retreating back.

* * *

I manage to get an appointment with a specialist family planning clinic three days later.

“All right Miss Jenkins, your test results are back, and you are indeed pregnant.” I look over at Dean who is sitting in the chair opposite the bed I’m lying on, his head hung low, hands laced together tightly. “I’ll need to do a quick ultrasound just to make sure there’s definitely a baby in there. Because the baby is still small, we’ll have to do an internal scan. Bend your knees for me and just let them relax and drop to the side.” I do as I’m instructed, and the doctor slides the receiver inside me. I draw in a sharp breath and grip the side of the bed when an uncomfortable ache shoots through me. Dean’s head snaps up and he looks at me, concern shadowing his handsome face.

Thankfully he’s not in a position where he can see the probe being inserted. As if this whole ordeal isn’t hard enough as it is, the last thing I need is him seeing my vagina laid bare and being probed.

“Sorry lovely, bear with me, it can be a little uncomfortable at first.” She says and I keep my eyes fixed firmly to the wall and don’t dare look at the monitor. The scan is over within a couple of minutes, and I sit up after she removes the probe and hands me a wipe to clean the gel off. “Okay, I’m legally obligated to ask once more. Are you absolutely sure?” she asks, smiling at me warmly. I sneak a look at Dean who is staring hard at the floor again.

I exhale and nod, taking the pill from her. “Okay, so, you need to take both pills for the abortion to be effective. The first pill is a pregnancy hormone blocker, after you take this, you need to take the second twenty-four to forty-eight hours after. Once the second pill is taken, within four hours you’ll start cramping like you would during your period and start to bleed like you would when going through a miscarriage. Do you have any questions?” I shake my head.

“No, thank you.”

“There’s a number on the leaflet if you require any further support and if you find you’re bleeding too heavily or are in too much pain please seek medical attention immediately.” My hands and legs are trembling uncontrollably as I pop the first pill in my mouth and wash it down with water.

God, please, please forgive me.

On the drive back home Dean and I barely say two words to one another. I can see him from the corner of my eye every so often looking over at me, looking like he wants to say something but thinks better of it. I discreetly wipe away the tears that just keep coming. I’m dreading the next twenty-four hours. The waiting and apprehension in-between pills feels like slow torture. Dean pulls up around the corner from our street so I can walk the rest of the way, the last thing I need is Ash seeing us together and asking questions neither of us can answer right now.

“Are you going to be okay?” Dean asks when I take my seatbelt off. I force down the lump forming in my throat and blink away the tears.

“Yeah,” I answer quietly and reach for the handle to open the door and get out, but Dean reaches over and grabs my arm, stopping me. I turn my head to look back at him. I can’t look him in the eyes—the sadness he’s holding behind his gaze is making me ache profoundly.

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