Page 77 of When love and Hate Collide

“You have every right to hate me, I know I fucked up and there is no plausible excuse for what I put you through,” he explains, combing his fingers through my dark hair. A shiver passes through me, and I fist my hands in my lap. “I know it was wrong and I swear I intended to tell you about Tasha, but every time I tried the thought alone of losing you stopped me. Tasha and I weren’t happy long before you came along, Jeyla. I wouldn’t even consider what we had a marriage. We’re more like two strangers residing together out of convenience.”

I bat his hand away from my face and scowl up at him, “I don’t care whether or not you were happy. It doesn’t change the fact that you were still married, she was still your wife, Pax.”

“Jey, I made a mistake.”

I stand from my bed, narrowing my green eyes to slits.

“A mistake?” I hiss. “You lied to me endlessly for two years. Not one day, not a month but two whole years, Paxton! We were in a relationship; we were in love! You asked me to marry you while you were still married, what kind of twisted person does that to someone they love?!” I shove him away from me, those deep scars that were slowly starting to heal are now wide open and bleeding like the day he cut me.

“I wasn’t expecting to fall in love with you, Jeyla. Despite the broken state of our marriage, I had never been unfaithful to her until I met you. I proposed to you because you’re the one I want to spend the rest of my life with, you’re the one I envision my future with, the one I want to count down minutes throughout the day to come home to,” Paxton affirms, taking a step to me and cupping my face in his large hands, his woeful eyes searching mine. “I swear to you Jeyla, I never touched her after you and started seeing each other, we slept in separate beds. You were all I wanted. You still are. The only thing tying me to Tasha was a piece of paper, that’s all. It’s over now, I’ve left her.”

I shake my head out of his hold and take a step back. “You’re two years too late, Pax. If you had any respect for me, or our relationship you would have been honest with me, not strung me along for two years making me believe that we had something.” I state, not bothering to mask the hurt straining my voice. “I asked you that night when I saw her name on your phone, and you lied to me. You looked me in the eyes and told me she was your sister! So don’t stand there and act like you never had an abundance of opportunities to tell me throughout our relationship, because you did. Instead, you chose to make an absolute fool of me. All those excuses about you not being close to your family and not talking to your parents. It was all a lie you spun so I wouldn’t ask questions.”

Paxton pinches the bridge of his nose, and exhales. “I was a coward okay, I panicked, baby. I couldn’t bear to see that betrayed look in your eyes and blurted out the first thing that came to mind. I wish I told you everything. Believe me, I am full of regret for messing everything up but I’m still crazy about you,” he declares, reaching out for me again. This time I don’t move nor push him away.

“What am I supposed to do with that information now? Do you want a pat on the back or a round of applause for finally admitting that you’re a fucking liar and a coward, what?” I ask sardonically. A look of hurt flashed in his blue eyes, and I feel heavy with emotion, but I refuse to let him see me cry. “Am I supposed to be grateful that you left your wifeaftergetting caught and lying to me for two years? What did you expect coming here? That I would jump into your arms, and we’d just pick up where we left off and live happily ever after?”

“Jesus Jeyla, of course not. I came here because I needed you to hear me out and know how sorry I am for everything. I’m not going to stop fighting for us, I know you still love me just as much as I do you, and I’m willing to do whatever it takes to fix this… fix us.” Paxton professes, taking hold of my shoulders as he stares down into my upturned face. “I would never intentionally hurt you babe, and I’m truly disgusted with myself for everything I’ve done to you. My relationship with you was more real than my six year marriage to Tasha. Physically and emotionally, I was always yours, I still am.”

“You really hurt me, Paxton. I loved you more than anything and you broke me with your lies.” I admit sorrowfully, the tears I’ve been fighting to hold back are now streaming freely down my cheeks. “There’s no fixing this now. I don’t think we will ever be the same because the damage is already done. I don’t even know if I’ll ever trust you again.”

Paxton wipes my tears away, his doleful eyes glistening. “Don’t say that.” He utters quietly, pressing our foreheads together. “As long as we love one another we can figure the rest out. I’m an idiot, I know, and I understand if you tell me to fuck off, but my proposal still stands. I still want to marry you. I’ve been a wreck without you, Jey,” he pleads, pulling back he holds out my hand and presses the engagement ring he gave me before into the centre of my palm. “Just think about it, please?” I nod, looking down at the diamond ring sitting in the centre of my palm. “I’m staying at a hotel nearby for a couple of days.” Paxton informs me and brushes a kiss to my forehead before he walks out, leaving me alone in my bedroom.

After Paxton drives off,I stand in my room, staring down at the ring between my fingers. My head is an even bigger mess than it was before I came home. I’m taking one hit after another from every angle, and I honestly don’t know how much more I can take before I have a full-on nervous breakdown. I can’t breathe, I feel like I’m suffocating between these walls, so I leave the house and take a short walk to the playground behind our house. Ash called me after Paxton left to check in; I told her I wasn’t in the mood to talk and I needed some time alone to process, and she kindly understood, leaving me alone to lick my wounds.

I slowly rock back and forth on the swing, sifting through my thoughts and feelings that are currently a tangled mess inside my head.

I start out of the trance I’m in when I hear someone behind me. I look back over my shoulder and sigh when I see Dean leaning against the tree, his hands stuffed in his pockets looking at me with those glacial eyes of his that cause every hair on my body to stand.

I close my eyes and exhale slowly before speaking. “If you’ve come here looking for a fight, I’m really not in the mood.”

Dean shrugs in response, kicking away a broken piece of a branch from the tree he’s leaning against.

“You’re just one big cliché, aren’t you, JJ?” I stop rocking and look up at him, frowning.

“Excuse me?”

Dean licks his lips and wanders over to me, hands still in his pockets. “Sleeping with your married Professor. Don’t you see the irony of the situation you’re in? You’re upset with your ex for lying to you and not telling you he was married, yet you’re spinning one lie after another to everyone around you. Hypocrite much?” I stand up and move closer to him.

“Right, because you’re the pilgrim of honesty, are you Reyes?” I ask, placing my hands on my hips and glaring at him hard. “I don’t see you running off and telling your sister that you fucked and impregnated her best friend. Go ahead, go tell them all the truth and let’s see what a shit storm that will cause.”

Dean’s entire demeanour tenses; I shake my head, veering my gaze from his to look at the see-saw opposite me.

“What are you pissed about now, Dean? My past with Paxton has nothing to do with our situation, so why are you here wagging your venomous tongue at me again?”

“Are you getting back together with him?” Dean asks, crossing his arms over his chest, his expression grim.

Closing my eyes, I tilt my head back and heave a sigh, “I don’t know.”

“You don’t know?” Dean’s eyes narrow questioningly, and he takes a giant step toward me. When I open my eyes, I’m surprised to find him in my space, all heated and oozing agitation. “You’re actually considering taking him back after he mugged you off for two years?”

“It’s not that simple, Dean. I was in love with him. We were in a two-year relationship, we have history, I can’t just disregard everything I felt for him and just move on, it doesn’t work like that,” I fire back at him hotly.

“You don’t sleep with someone if you’re still in love with someone else, JJ. If you’re still in love with him as you claim to be, why the hell have you been sleeping with me?” Dean demands, inching closer to me.

“You’re acting like us sleeping together was ever premeditated. I didn’t come crawling into your bed in the middle of the night, Dean. Every encounter we’ve had was either because we both had too much to drink, or we’re fighting and need to vent our frustration. We don’t sleep together, we fuck.”

Dean’s brow arches and he nods, wetting his lips while he looks me dead in the eyes. “Did you tell him that you’ve beenfuckingsomeone else?” Dean grips my jaw and brings my face close to his. “Does he know that he was nothing more than a distant memory while I was stretching your tight cunt and you were begging for more, cryingmyname?” My pulse spikes and a quivering breath pushes past my parted lips. Dean’s thumb drags across my bottom lip, “I wonder if he will still want you if he knew in just how many ways, I’ve ruined you.”

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