Page 72 of With All My Heart, Joy

Chapter Nineteen

Joy ran her hand down the knee-length red dress. The simple red sheath overlaid with lace that Melody had chosen for her bridesmaids was more practical than the floor-length number Joy had been forced to wear twice for Lucy. She would never wear that one again. Especially due to the memories it held.

Isaac kissed her in that dress for the first time. How was that only one week ago? The most life-altering relationship she’d ever had was also the shortest.

Joy had spent most of yesterday on damage control. She shut down comments on the replay of her live disaster, but it was too late. It had already gone viral. Over three million people had witnessed her meltdown and subsequent irrational breakup.

She gritted her teeth, clenching the gorgeous bouquet of lilies in her hand. If she cried right now, would people assume it was tears of joy over her brother’s nuptials? Doubtful.

Firming her resolve not to ruin TJ and Melody’s long-awaited day, she shifted her focus to her brother and his glowing bride. Everything about the night spoke romance, from the myriad tea light candles that dotted the perimeter of the church to the mistletoe that hung from dozens of locations. Garlands swooped from pew to pew, each knot affixed with a red heart and a cluster of holly. A row of pine trees formed a backdrop to the wedding party, simple white lights twinkling on the boughs, the air thick with the piney scent.

Melody knew how to stage a production, that was sure. Joy’s parents had footed most of the bill since Melody had little family to speak of. She hadn’t invited her mother. Joy didn’t know many of the details, but she knew enough to understand Melody’s choice. Lucky for Melody, she was marrying a Halverson. A welcoming family was part of the package.

Joy almost forgot her sorrow as she watched her brother, his gaze fixed unwaveringly on Melody. He’d loved her for fourteen years. Joy had been oblivious most of that time. She was only eight years old when TJ set his heart on Melody. He deserved this moment.

As he said his vows, original lines he had penned himself, Melody’s dimple dug deep, and she dashed a tear from her cheek.

“Melody, I vow to you this day to be true to you, today, tomorrow, forever, as I have been from the moment I met you. Not a day went by that I didn’t dream of this moment. Now that it’s here, believe me when I say I love you. You hold the key to my heart. You always have. You always will. And I pledge before God, before you, before all those present to love you to the best of my ability for all of my days.”

Melody’s hand shook as she glanced at her notes, then looked into TJ’s eyes.

“TJ.” Her voice warbled, and he squeezed her hand. “When I was thirteen, I met a prince who was bent on rescuing a certain damsel in distress. You have sought to rescue me ever since, sometimes even from myself. I tried not to love you, but there was no way. I’ll love you till I die, TJ Halverson. I vow to cherish you, come what may, as you have chosen to cherish me.”

Joy couldn’t stop the tears that slipped down her cheeks at the beautiful words of commitment. Would she get to make such a declaration of love one day? She hadn’t thought she wanted to. She’d thought influencing was her lot in life, and she was more or less content with that. Until Isaac turned her life upside down, and with it, her notions of what was most important. What her purpose was. Now that she was finally figuring it out, she’d lost the one who had taught her.

She tried to act happy at the reception. It was Christmas Eve. Her brother was married. He and Melody danced in each other’s arms like they were the only two souls alive on the planet, and everyone let them. Her family tiptoed around Joy, worried afresh about her mental health after the public end to her relationship.

“You alright?” Lucy stopped behind Joy’s chair and put a hand on her shoulder. Joy longed to ask how Isaac was. Surely Silas knew. But what was the point? She’d seen enough comments to figure there was a good chance she had cost Isaac his career. He would never want her after that.

But he was right about one thing. She had let her feeling of being unwanted dictate her life for too long. It was time to put that to an end. And it started with Ben.

“Yeah, I’m okay, Luce. Hang on. I need to talk to Ben.” Determined, she strode onto the dance floor where Ben, the best man, danced with Charity. Joy tapped her on the shoulder.

“Can I cut in?”

Charity’s jaw dropped. “Of course, Joy.” She swept her hand toward Ben. “Be my guest. I’ll go check on Azalea.” She left, but not without a wild-eyed look behind her at the brother and sister.

Ben hesitated, then offered his hand. His face was a mask of confusion and uncertainty. “I’m sorry about Isaac. I liked him.”

“Me too.” Joy couldn’t breathe. She was going to keel over.

“Are you okay?”

She didn’t know if he meant okay right now, okay about Isaac, or okay in life. All she knew was that she was absolutely not okay. “No, I’m not, Ben. I haven’t been okay for a very long time.”

They weren’t dancing anymore, but standing a foot apart. He dropped her hand. “Okay.” He scrubbed a hand down his face. “Can you, uh, tell me the reason? Because I feel like you hate my guts, and I’ve never had a clue why.”

Joy suddenly wanted to break down into sobs, the kind that filled up a room. But she couldn’t do that. Not here. Not at TJ’s wedding. “I should have told you a long time ago. But when I was six, you told me I was the product of an accidental pregnancy and that no one in our family wanted me. I’ve believed it ever since.”

His face drained of color. “Joy…”

“I’ve felt since that day that no one in our family wanted me to be born. Thanks to counseling, I realized how much that belief has colored my life. I want it to stop affecting me. Isaac told me I should confront you. So.” She held her hands up. “Here I am.”

Ben couldn’t seem to find words. He opened his mouth, clamped it shut, then dropped his head into his hands. At long last, he dragged his head upward and sought out Joy’s eyes with his own. They were red.

“I’m so sorry,” he croaked. “I had no idea. I was a selfish jerk back then who didn’t like to be on babysitting duty when I’d rather be with friends. I said those words in anger and promptly forgot about them. I want you to know that never, in my heart, did I not want you. You were a sweet little sister then, and you are now, and I’ve wished for years to be closer to you, but I thought you didn’t wantme.”

Tears stung Joy’s eyes. She’d been so, so wrong to hold this in for all these years. Doing so had made her family feel unwanted by her, the very same feeling she so abhorred from them.

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