Page 89 of Allure

Dawn says nothing.

“You think I’m overblowing things?”

"Well, maybe. If he just gets this Julie girl, what makes you think he's going to sleep with her right away?"

“Maybe he would do it to get back at me,” I mumble.

“Do you think he would use her like that?”

“I…”

“Because if so, then he’s an ass. Once an ass, always an ass, but I don’t think you would’ve slept with him again if you thought he was still an ass, hmm?”

“I don’t think clearly when I’m around him,” I murmur. “I lose track of things… of myself. I get lost in him, and that’s not a good thing.”

“Why not? When two people love each other, two become one, right?”

“Hmm, I think your jumping from love straight to marriage, and that’s a hell no. I don’t know if I’ll ever get married.”

“Why not?”

“Because I don’t need a guy in my life for it to be fulfilled.”

“Just because you don’t need a guy doesn’t mean you can’t fall in love,” Dawn protests.

She gets up and hands me a bottled water from our mini-fridge. I take it, crack it open, and chug the entire thing down. My throat is parched, but then I think it's always parched if I'm talking about Declan.

Even from afar, he still manages to affect me.

“Have you ever been in love?” I ask Dawn.

“I thought I was once, but that was just an asshole of a guy in sheep’s clothing.”

I can’t help laughing at that. “That bad, huh?”

“He makes Declan sound so very tame. A few comments? Bah. This guy took me under his wing, lavished me with attention, bought me a few nice gifts, and then tried to turn me against my friends so that I would have him and only him. So very twisted.”

“Shit, Dawn.”

“Yes, well, as soon as I realized that, I dumped his ass. I’ve dated a few guys here and there since, but nothing serious.”

“See? Why can’t Declan be like that and accept a casual relationship with me?” I cry.

“Maybe because he clearly wants something more from you, and if you aren’t willing to give him what he needs, that doesn’t mean he’s going to just shut off his feelings for you. Are you sure you didn’t imagine the stuff between him and that new student?”

“Julie,” I supply, “and I really don’t think I did. He can be tough on the newbies, but he treated her as if she was the most important person in the room. In the world.”

“You’re so green right now,” Dawn mutters.

“I heard that.”

“I’m sorry,” she says, lifting her shoulders toward her ears. “What can I say? You need to figure out why it bothers you so much that he was kind to another girl. How is that the end of the world?”

“It’s not the end of the world,” I protest.

“From the way you look and seem so downright depressed about him being nice to a newbie… I don’t know. It just seems to me that you’re acting like you lost the world when all you lost is maybe the chance to date Declan. Ask yourself why that’s earth-shattering, why it’s leaving you so numb.”

I don't like to think about my past, to dive too deeply into those memories that hold so many memories. I'm not sure I want to dive into this either.

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