Page 34 of Let Me Be the One

Lainey

Five and a half monthsafter my break-up with Lucas, I feel like my heart is on the mend. I no longer think about him as much as I used to or cry every time a sad song plays on the radio. It probably helps that I’m out every weekend with Cass, Duncan, Seb, and Ben. The five of us have become a tight-knit group since Cass and Duncan told us they were dating, around a month ago.

Tonight, we’re at Barnaby’s, and Ben is in pick-up mode. He’s talked to four attractive women so far, and they all seem interested. Not that I can blame them. I can finally see what Cass was talking about when she said he’s better looking than Lucas. He’s darker and broodier, but there’s something about his brusqueness, honesty, solidity, and down to earthiness that promises... a certain kind of pleasure.

After spending a few minutes testing the waters with the different beauties that have caught his eye, he’s finally settled on a very pretty blonde with a pixie cut, and judging by the way she’s smiling and touching him now, he’s got this one-night stand in the bag. As she trails her fingers up and down his forearm, I can’t help but notice her red dress is too tight and her small breasts are being pushed right in his face.

I wrench my gaze away from Ben and the blonde after I see him lean in and whisper something in her ear. My stomach feels like it’s been hit with a bowling ball on fire, but I’m not jealous. I can’t be. I just feel a bit... possessive, that’s all. I love spending time with Ben. I appreciate his friendship and company more than he knows, and I wish he was sitting next to me, talking to me instead of those women who can’t see how awesome he is underneath his sexy bad boy looks.

However, it’s Saturday night. Just because Cass and I now hang out with the guys every weekend doesn’t mean Ben is no longer interested in sleeping his way through Melbourne’s female population.

I pick up my nearly empty wineglass and drain the dregs, hoping to dislodge the fiery bowling ball from my stomach. No such luck, though.

Putting my glass on the table, I glance at Cass and Duncan in the booth with me at the back of Barnaby’s. The two lovebirds are taking a time out from kissing to talk to each other. Duncan is stroking Cass’s face as he says something softly. Sitting here with the two of them while Seb and Ben are at the bar, getting their flirt on, has me feeling like a fifth wheel.

It’s time to go.

“Where are you off to?” Cass asks, seeing me grab my handbag.

“I’m going to head home. I might have a movie night with me, myself, and a bowl of popcorn.”

“It’s too early to leave. Get another drink and stay here with us.”

I look back over at the bar, where Ben is still working on the slender blonde, and then back to my friends. In my current mood, I’m not sure that staying is a good idea. I’m feeling a bit maudlin and sorry for myself.

“I think I’ve had enough to drink. Any more and I won’t be able to drive.”

“So take an Uber,” Duncan says.

“That’s money I don’t really want to spend right now.”

I’m picking up extra shifts where I can at Dixon’s, but it’s still not full-time work and I’m saving my pennies. It doesn’t help that I’m not getting the extra royalties I’d been counting on because the book I wrote months ago was never published.

“How’s the new book coming along?” Cass asks, reading my mind.

“Slowly. My editor likes the plot I have, but something isn’t working. The characters are confused about who and what they want. It’s not as straightforward to write as it should be.”

“You know what you need?” Cass asks, leaning in as though she’s about to whisper some big secret. “You need some inspiration. Why don’t you let Ben and Seb be your guide tonight and go strike up a conversation with some hot stranger? That guy at the end of the bar has totally been checking you out ever since he got here.”

Duncan frowns. “How come you’re noticing other guys?”

Cass grabs his face with her hand as if he were a cute little baby. “No one is as handsome as you, babe. You know that.”

Desperate to tune them out, I look over to see a man with dirty-blond hair and blue eyes looking back at me. He is attractive. When we make eye-contact, I smile. He smiles back, revealing deep-set dimples that remind me of Lucas. I wait for the usual stab of pain that thought should bring, but it isn’t forthcoming. I really am getting over Lucas.

“Go talk to him, Lainey,” Cass instructs.

I’m tempted to for a second, but then I imagine myself walking over there and starting a conversation, and him realising he’s not interested. Nope. I can’t. My heart might be on the mend, but I’m not ready to be rejected again. I’m not ready to go out there and put my heart on the line yet.

Even if I am struggling with this whole being single business.

I’ve been single five and a half months now—and that’s a record for me. I miss being in a relationship. I miss having someone to hold me at night and talk to me before I fall asleep. I miss the connection I feel with someone during sex. I miss having someone to prop me up socially while I’m out. But I can’t allow myself to fall into another relationship like the ones I’ve had before.

Not when there’s this void inside of me waiting to be filled with love.

I need to stop looking for love and approval in my relationships with men. Next time I fall in love, it has to be with someone who can love me back. Until then, I need to focus on cultivating more of Ben’s I-don’t-give-a-crap attitude, so I don’t throw myself at the nearest available male in the hopes he’ll fill me with the love I crave.

“And if a guy comes along who gets you and appreciates you, and looks at you the way you want him to, then you give him a chance.”

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