Page 37 of My Debacle with De Lorenzo

“I’m not sure,” I reply shakily.

My dad notices immediately. “I’ll go.”

“No, it’s fine.” I take a breath to slow my heart rate. “I’ll go. It’s not a problem. I can take a quick drive and get one.”

“Oh, no, take your time, sweetie,” Mom says, actively trying to lighten the mood. “Your dad and I might decide to get naked, put on a little show for Kevin upstairs.”

I shut my eyes to the visuals her words invoke. “Mom, why are you this person?”

“I’m sorry.”

“You need Jesus, Lorraine.”

I don’t even hide my repulsion and glower at her. “There are six billion people on this earth and yet you choose to be you. Honestly, just be better.”

“I’ll try,” she replies with a giggle.

I shake my head, looking at my dad. “This is whatyoumarried?”

He shrugs. “There are some choices I’m not proud of.”

“Please be in a decent state when I get back.” I walk to the kitchen to get my car keys hanging from the wooden key hanging rack that says:Pull your shit together.

I look up hardware stores on Google Maps and the closest one that’s still open is at the mall. I arrive there ten minutes later, and a beep goes off as I walk into the store.

“We close in ten minutes,” a guy yells, but the high shelving separating the aisles stops me from seeing who it is.

“I won’t be long,” I shout back.

Walking through the aisles, I scan the products until I find the wrenches, but all of them come in sets and I’m just looking for an eighteen. I make my way to the check-out counter to ask for assistance. From the signs at the end of this aisle, it’s to the left. As I get closer, I hear murmurs. I halt in my tracks when I recognize one of the voices, staying hidden behind the high metal shelving.

“Tom, it’s, like, date number six already.” The familiar husky voice is a nice surprise that instantly brings a smile to my face. “Surely, you should be playing hide the salami by now.”

“Are we twelve?” Tommy responds. “Rather say screwing or something. I hate references like that.”

“I’m trying not to be crude. A customer is floating around somewhere in the store. Where the hell is he, anyway? We still need to cash up.”

“I have no idea.”

“He’ll surface, eventually. So, what’s the problem with Meekah?”

“I don’t know. I’m just not feeling it.”

“What’s there to feel? I don’t understand you, Tom. You’re so selective with girls, but you jump straight into the sack with guys.”

“I have less resistance with guys. They’re just hotter, more take charge, you know. Especially big guys. They’re my kryptonite because they’re so dominating. I just want to throw myself at their feet and say:Here I am. Choke a bitch out. I can take it.”

“You’re into strange things, Tom.”

“I just want someone who is wild in the bedroom but still willing to wear matching cardigans out in public. Is that too much to ask? Meekah is...nice. I like her, just not likethat. She’s so quiet and timid.”

I feel weird eavesdropping on their conversation like this, but it feels even weirder to interrupt. Do I pretend like I didn’t hear anything? I decide to wait until the topic is less...sexualthen at least it won’t be so awkward for everyone.

“Well, if you’re not into her, don’t string her along. Rather be straightforward and honest. You should ask Dylan for advice on that. He knows how to get a message across.”

Well, now that they’ve dropped my name, I definitely can’t interrupt.

Tommy laughs. “You’re so butt-hurt about that.”

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