Page 104 of My Debacle with De Lorenzo

“But then you just switched your phone off. Do you know what panic and anxiety it causes every time I hear the words:the subscriber you have dialed is not available? Hearing that sets me off and my head goes all over the place.”

He cups my face and lightly kisses my mouth. “I’m sorry about that. Honestly, the best thing is to just not call me when it happens.”

“You didn’t give me any warning. How am I supposed to know when it’s going to happen? How will?”

“Every eight weeks.”

The certainty of his statement makes me take pause. No one just knows when they’re going to be depressed or need a break. Emotions don’t work on a schedule.

“Dylan, please tell me what’s going on with you.”

“I don’t want to. I don’t want you to know.”

I try not to get offended by his clipped response. “Is it because you don’t trust me? Or is it because this arrangement is temporary, so you think it might be pointless to confide in me?”

“Jesus, Bella, it’s not aboutyou.” His frustration is carried in his tone, but he gently strokes his thumb over my cheek, so I don’t think he’s mad. “Imagine you’re on a sinking ship. The whole thing is flooded with water, but you’re in a compartment that’s completely sealed. It’s a little air pocket. Would you preserve that air pocket for as long as humanly possible or would you say: Screw it, I’m just going to open this door and let the water in because the ship is sinking, anyway?”

It’s a no-brainer. “I’d preserve the air pocket.”

“Yeah, me too. That’s what I’m doin’ here. Other parts of my life get so overwhelming sometimes it feels like I’m drowning. The only time I feel like a normal teenager, the only time I feel like I can fucking breathe, is when I’m in this air pocket with you.”

I take one second – just one – to swoon over the way he saysdoin’andwichubefore focusing on the conversation again.

“And if I tell you, it’s gonna let the water in. I want to keep you separate from all that because...you’re my only escape. Bella, when I’m with you...and you’re sober, it’s a different kinda high. I don’t think about any of that other shit, so please don’t take that away from me. Understand that other aspects of my life are going to pull me away from time to time. And when I disappear like that, I’m not off with Fran or any other girl. I just need some time to deal with me.” Keeping both hands on my face, he drops his forehead against mine. “And then I’ll come back to you...okay?”

I’m not gonna lie, my heart melted listening to him say that. Not only was that the most romantic thing I have ever heard, but it sounded like he wants this arrangement to continue for a while. This disappearing act is only going to happen again in eight weeks and he’s speaking as if he still wants me to be around then.

“I’ll stop drinking,” I say softly.

“Don’t do that for me. If you’re going to do it, do it for you.”

“I am doing it for me. I have no direction. I don’t know what I want to do with my life...but being drunk all the time isn’t it. I’m not saying I’ll never drink again, but I’m not going to use alcohol as a crutch anymore. I have to crawl out of this rut at some point. I might as well start today. If I decide to drink in the future, it will be for fun, not to numb the pain.”

He smiles. “So, when we go to Scott and Cat’s party later, you can join me at the uncool kids’ table, and we can put soda into shot glasses and pretend it’s real alcohol so we can fit in.”

“That’s so dorky...but let’s do it.” I give a small smile and try to be the bigger person this time. “I’m sorry for overreacting and?”

“Woah, hang on. Save your apology until we get to the end of this discussion.”

“There’s still more?”

“Yep. Why is the fact that we’re not having sex such a problem all of a sudden? You told me to goscrewFrancesca. C’mon, what is up with that? That’s...not cool.”

I feel a little sheepish now, but it’s still something I’m having doubts about. “Dylan, we’ve gotten close to doing it so many times and you always just...stop. It’s very obvious that you don’t want to.”

His eyes widen in surprise. “I don’t want to? Have we been in the same room? Stop making assumptions because you’re clearly making the wrong ones. I want to. Ireallywant to.”

“Then why haven’t you?” Charlotte’s words come back to haunt me. “I’ve been tested if that’s what you’re worried about.”

He physically cringes. “That’s not it.”

“Then what? Are you waiting for someone special?”

“Shit, your self-worth issues are going to be the death of me. Youarespecial to me, Bella...but it’s not like you’ve decorated the bed with rose petals or anything.”

I don’t even know how to read the expressionless face he has on right now. “Were you serious about that?”

“No!” A loud laugh bursts out of him. “I had you there, though.”

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