Page 93 of A Crown of Lies

“I can tell. It’s difficult not to notice when you’re stabbing my leg with your cock.” She sat up and scooted away before he could see her face turning bright red. Divine, the bed was enormous, big enough for five or six people. How had she wound up pressed against him like that? Stupid dream. She started righting her clothes.

“Ah, well, you can’t blame me, can you?” He grinned and stretched, reminding her of a lazy cat who’d just woken from a long nap in a sunbeam. “I’ve made no secret of my desire to have you, have I? Shouldn’t be a surprise, especially given how things went last night.”

“I must’ve thought you were Ieduin,” she repeated, a little irritated that he was dragging it out instead of letting her recover with some grace.

“Would you have been less ashamed if it were him instead of me?”

She froze, halfway through fixing the top tie on her tunic.

Fabric rustled as he came closer. “You don’t have to be ashamed of what you want, Rixxis. Or what you don’t want. If you aren’t interested in me—”

“It’s not that!” she said, twisting. “I just… It’s all so new. You were kissing me, and I started thinking about this time with Lewis when he was hurting me, and I didn’t want to, but he made me.”

“He what?” Something dark flashed across Rowan’s face, something that would’ve sparked fear in her chest if it had been aimed at her.

She shook her head. “It doesn’t matter.”

“It matters to me.” He scooted to the edge of the bed to sit with her. “Rixxis, I never want to touch you in a way you don’t enjoy. If you’re ever uncomfortable with me, or anyone, just say the word and I’ll put a stop to it.”

She blinked, her chest tight. “What about when we’re married? Lewis always said it’s a wife’s duty to—”

He cut her off, curling a finger around her chin and turning her head to face him. “A wife has one duty to her husband, Rixxis, and that is to love herself first. Treat her mind and body with the respect she knows she deserves, and in turn, expect the same from him. Marriage does not give me unrestricted access to your body, Rixxis. Is that what you’re so afraid of? That I’ll make you do something you don’t want to do?”

She lowered her eyes, blinking rapidly. Why did she feel like she wanted to cry? “Maybe. And maybe I just… I don’t feel good enough for you. Last night, all the things you did, it just proved how much more experienced you are than me. I don’t know how to do any of that!”

He shifted, taking her face in his hands and kissing her gently on the lips. “Rixxis, you beautiful, sweet woman. Did you not hear me? You can do whatever you wish. If you want to take part in the things I showed you last night, I welcome it. And if not, I accept it. I may be disappointed, but that’s only because I want to share those experiences with the people I love. And I…” His throat seemed to catch on the words he wanted so badly to say, the words she wanted so desperately to hear.

He swallowed. “What I feel for you, and for Ieduin, is daunting and deep. It scares me sometimes. I don’t want it to scare you. So, if all you ever want from me is this, to kiss and cuddle, and watch me with him, to ask questions and have them answered honestly, I can live with that. But I don’t think it is. I think there is a part of you aching for the opportunity to experience more. There is a goddess deep in you that doesn’t fear her own pleasure and isn’t ashamed of what she wants. I’m willing to wait as long as it takes until she is ready, and when she is, I’ll be here to teach her, to help her. To love and respect her with all that I am.”

She pushed away an errant tear. No one had ever said anything like that to her before. Though it was strange and heavy to hear, it meant something. More than an easy I love you, more than a kiss, or any ceremony, or any words ever spoken. It meant something to hear that he saw her, saw what she wished she could be, and was willing to wait until she was ready to embrace that, and all it entailed.

He was holding her hands. When did that happen? She didn’t remember, but he squeezed them both. “Are you okay?”

She nodded. “Yeah, I think so. It’s just…”

“Last night was a lot. It’s perfectly normal to have some strong feelings afterwards, even though your participation was peripheral.”

“You seem okay,” she pointed out with a frown. He didn’t seem to have any strong feelings. Ieduin, too, must’ve felt okay if he was up before them. It seemed silly that she should feel so overwhelmed when they were both perfectly fine.

He smiled, looking tired. “Would you mind if we continued this in the bath? I’m desperate for a hot soak.”

She nodded. “A hot bath sounds great, actually.” Especially after the long night. Her feet hurt from standing, and so did her lower back. With the long march to the Wytchwood coming up, she’d only be sorer.

The bath was even more beautiful in the daylight than it had been the night before. Steam rose off the water’s surface. Though the morning was a little chilly, and there was frost in the shady areas, she just couldn’t bring herself not to strip and get in it. At least she wasn’t uncomfortable being naked in front of him anymore. She was a little shy about it when he was looking straight at her, but mostly because she was self-conscious about her own body, not his opinion of it.

His speech earlier had helped her reframe her thoughts slightly. Whatever shame she felt wasn’t because of her, or anything she’d done. It was because of how she’d been brought up in Qet, and they weren’t in Qet any longer. Rowan certainly would not judge her for wanting what she did. Not after last night.

Rowan gave a satisfied sigh and sank into the water just before her. He closed his eyes, sliding down until the water was up to his chin. “That’s better. After everything last night, I’m quite sore. I’m sure he is too, which is why I’m a little annoyed he isn’t here, taking care of himself.”

“That’s just how he is,” she said with a shrug. “Ieduin likes to work until he falls over. It keeps his mind off whatever’s bothering him.”

Rowan’s answer was a tired, “Hmm.”

For a little while, there was just the quiet of the foggy morning, the call of birds in the nearby trees, the hoot of an owl settling in for the day. It was like a dream, this place. A wonderful dream.

“I feel guilty,” Rowan said suddenly. He opened his eyes and looked at her. “You said I seemed fine. I hide it well, but I always feel incredibly guilty after an intense session like last night.”

“Why?” She slid closer. “You didn’t do anything he didn’t agree to.”

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