Page 35 of Loved to Death

Thomas looked back up at the captain and said softly, “I never wanted to kill anyone. The guilt of it weighs on me, and I…” He looked down at his hands and swallowed once before continuing. “I shudder to think of the hell that awaits me once I die my final death. I’ve killed one hundred and sixty-seven people for sustenance so far.”

Silence fell over the three for a few seconds before Captain Martinez said decisively, “Nonsense.”

Thomas glared at the older man. “I’m not telling tales. I have killed a hundred and sixty-seven people.”

“I’m not calling you a liar, lad. I’m calling you an idiot. Did you kill anyone before you became a vampire?”

“Of course not.”

“Then your soul is probably already in heaven. You’re no longer human. You’re dead. Why do you think your soul would stay in your corpse?”

Shocked by that perspective, it took Thomas a moment to think it through. “Why would I feel guilt of any kind if I didn’t have a soul?”

“You wouldn’t,” Mr. Johansen said. “Of course you still have your soul. You’re not a wild animal. If you were, you would have eaten everyone on board.”

“Nonsense again,” Captain Martinez said, slapping the table for emphasis. “Do you believe dogs have souls, Mr. Johansen? Because my childhood dog surely felt guilty when he did something wrong, and he didn’t try eating family members when he got hungry, but I certainly don’t believe that God gave my dog a soul. Humans alone have souls, and God only judges humanity. Mr. Clarke is no longer human.”

Mr. Johansen shook his head. “If Mr. Clarke had lost all his previous memories when he became a vampire, then maybe I could believe his soul was gone. But if he still has all the thoughts and feelings that made him human, then his soul must be intact.”

The captain narrowed his eyes in thought before pouring himself another tankard of wine. “You make a good point, Mr. Johansen, but I still don’t agree.” He turned to Thomas and added, “But soul or not, wallowing in guilt all the time is a horrible way to live.”

Thomas sat up straighter and leaned toward the captain. “Since coming aboard, I’ve been thinking. Maybe I could try feeding on a human before I get hungry to see if I’m able to stop myself from draining them. When I have animal blood, I’m able to stop after just one swallow because of the taste. Maybe if I had human blood regularly, I could stay in control.” He turned to the first mate. “And if I could stop killing and do penance for the killing I’ve done, maybe there’s hope for my soul. If I still have one.”

The captain and the first mate exchanged a glance before Captain Martinez asked, “When you say regularly, what exactly do you mean?”

“I could fill up on animal blood, and then have a few swallows of human blood directly after.” Thomas couldn’t keep the hopeful tone out of his voice. “Maybe if I bit someone’s wrist instead of their neck, I wouldn’t be overpowered by my urge to continue feeding.”

“Are you asking us to let you try this on the crew, or are you asking us to let you off the ship so you can try this on land?” Mr. Johansen asked.

“I uh…I guess I wasn’t thinking that far ahead.” Thomas frowned at the thought of having to leave the ship. He’d gotten used to living with people who knew what he was.

The captain looked at his first mate and said, “We could stop in Ensenada for a few days. Give the men some much needed shore leave, and supervise Mr. Clarke while he tries it out on the locals. Assuming nothing goes wrong, we could ask for volunteers from the crew to keep him fed while we’re at sea.”

“You’d do that for me?” Thomas asked, hope rising in his chest again.

Ignoring Thomas, Mr. Johansen focused on the captain. “If he can prove that it works on the locals and he’s able to bite a wrist instead of a neck, I’m certain at least thirty of the men would volunteer. As you know, Mr. Clarke has made several friends this past week.”

“Not a bad idea,” the captain agreed. “But not something I can decide on when I’m on my fifth tankard of wine.” He waved a hand toward the door. “Out with you both, and we’ll discuss it tomorrow.”

“Aye, sir.” Mr. Johansen nodded and stood.

“Thank you, Captain,” Thomas said, close to tears. “It means a lot to me that you would even consider it.”

“You’re one of my crew now, Mr. Clarke. I always look after my own.”

“Come, lad. Let the captain get some rest.” The first mate pulled Thomas up by his arm and gently pushed him toward the door.

***

Shen sat behind Polly on a horse riding north along the California shoreline. Yesterday, the horse belonged to an elderly fisherman living on the outskirts of a little ocean town.

Shen cringed at the memory of biting into the left side of the old man’s neck while Polly bit the right. And remembering the urgent sex he’d had with Polly next to the dead man made his stomach turn. But the lack of constant hunger after subsisting on animal blood for two weeks made it easier to think about other things. Things like Thomas and how drastically his life had changed since meeting him. He wanted to go back in time to the night he’d spent with Thomas. Not to relive the moment but to change his answer when Thomas asked him to leave his life behind.

Going back in time was impossible, but the thought of reversing his decision made him wonder if he could reverse what had been done to him.

“Miss Polly?”

“Yes?”

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