Page 74 of Reckless Liar

“You think I don’t have the same regrets?” he interrupted me. “There were so many times when I should’ve spoken up. There were nights when I let him get behind the wheel after he’d been drinking because I didn’t have the fight in me anymore. There were nights I’d watch him drive off, with you in the passenger seat. I stand there and think I’d be the one at fault if both of you died.”

“But it wasn’t your fault. It was—“

He interrupted me. “It was Max’s fault. It’s always been Max’s fault. I don’t care if you found the pills, I wouldn’t have cared if yougavehim the pills. He was an addict; he was an alcoholic; there’s nothing you could’ve done that would get him clean. He didn’t want to be sober. He might have cared for you, but you trying to make him stop wouldn’t have changed a single thing. He always felt guilty about letting you down. If you’d told him you knew about the pills, it would’ve made him feel worse.”

“You can’t know that...” I murmured. I wanted to believe what he was saying. I wanted to let go of what happened to Max. “You can’t possibly know...”

“I do know. Max and I may not be similar, but I know this—both he and I have spent our lives trying to deserve you and failing every step of the way.”

“But you more than deserve me. You deserve more than me! You’re the only thing I can count on.” The words hit me in the chest with a force that took my breath away. I knew I shouldn’t touch him; I knew I should give him up, but I couldn’t do it. I brought my hand up to cup his cheek, pulling his face closer to mine. “You are the one thing that has never failed me.”

I leaned forward to kiss him. His lips were soft and warm against mine. He wrapped his arms around my waist and pulled me closer to him. I climbed on his lap, deepening our kiss. His hands roamed under my shirt over my ribs and across my back. His lips moved from my lips, over my chin and down my throat. He gripped my shirt tight in his fists to bunch around my waist. His mouth was on my throat, his hands felt like fire trailing along my skin.

He leaned forward to lower me onto the couch. My shirt came off followed by his. His hands were everywhere. All I could feel was him above me, his kisses, his touch, and his love. I threaded my hands through his hair, pulling on his curls to bring his mouth to mine. We fumbled together, the rest of our clothes ending up on the floor.

A sense of urgency burned through me. I needed him closer to me. I needed him on top of me. I needed to know that, for that moment, I could have him, and I hadn’t ruined everything.

I needed to trust in him, to trust in how he made me feel. For the briefest moment I needed to allow myself to be adored and not worry it could crumble away.

His face was between my breasts, brushing the lightest of kisses against my skin. Words traced across my body. “Love me,” he pleaded against my skin as his kisses moved farther down my body.

“Love me, love me, love me.”

I flung my head back, drinking in the sensations. I savored it all in that moment I whispered the words into the night.

I’m trying... I want to... I do... Is it enough... will I ever be enough...?

Chapter twenty-seven

“I'll never forgive you.” -Ana to Max age twenty-one.

It’dbeenovertwoweeks with no contact from Eloise. She wouldn’t return my texts and all my calls shot straight to voice mail.

I tried to distract myself with work. I’d started helping Barbara with the new grads, not so affectionally called “baby nurses,” who showed up in the emergency room fresh-faced and idealistic. Over the past few years there was a gradual thaw toward me as I had apparently proved my worth to Barbara and I was no longer placed in the same category as the other “ninnies from nursing school.” After treating a man who’d been shot in the foot by a friend while celebrating, a new nurse commented, “This is so exciting! It’s not every day someone gets shot.” I had to inform her in the emergency room, it was in fact, every day.

Spring brought an increase in work for Xander as he was called out to clear out flower beds, clean up the various landscapes, and do other general things I didn’t understand. If we were lucky enough to be home at the same time, we were both so exhausted we didn’t venture outside the confines of our four walls.

The night of St. Patrick’s Day I was working a double, with more charcoal and IV drips than I cared to see in a single night. I even had the pleasure of treating Tracy Penrose’s boyfriend who was brought in crying. I had to fight my urge to smirk at the turn of events when I brought her a towel because he threw up all over her Frye boots.

When I got home, I collapsed onto the bed still wearing my scrubs. Xander wasn’t getting home for hours, having left only an hour before I got off work. I barely remembered closing my eyes before my phone dinging woke me up. Bleary-eyed, I grabbed my phone off the nightstand. I glanced at the message and bolted upright in my bed. It was Eloise asking me if she could stop by. Quickly I replied I’d be home along with a smiley face emoji. The clock on my nightstand said it was nearly three in the afternoon. I’d slept more than seven hours.

I peeled off my scrubs; grimacing at how smelly they were. I didn’t have time to take a shower but at least a pair of clothes would mask the funk of running around the ER for twenty-four hours straight. By the time I heard the knock on my door I was pulling my greasy hair back into a stubby ponytail.

She stood on the doorstep, rocking back on her heels. Her face was scrubbed clean from makeup, and she looked so much younger than her eighteen years.

“Hey,” she said quietly. She glanced at me and then away quickly. I realized I had grown so used to how she looked with her thick black eyeliner, I’d almost forgotten what she looked like without it. “You want to take a walk?”

The sky was a blank sheet of marbled clouds that looked light enough that we wouldn’t be risking too much rain. “Sure, let me grab my jacket and we can go.”

I followed her down the road to the small park at the end of the street. When I was a child Scarlett and I used to play down here. We played princesses and pirates (She was the princess; I was the pirate). When we got older, I’d come with Max and his friends, ignoring them smoking pot on the merry-go-round while I’d do a paranoid watch on the road for cops.

Eloise settled into a swing, and I took the one next to her. The whole walk over she was quiet, as I tried to ask her about how she’s been. I found myself babbling like a lovesick schoolgirl trying to impress a crush. I deftly avoided any mention of Xander, hoping that somehow, she wouldn’t ask about us.

“Have you heard from any colleges yet?”

She frowned across the playground, narrowing her eyes at a little girl who was running up the stairs. “Yeah, I got into WSU, San Diego State, and Southeastern.”

I reached over and squeezed her arm with my hand. “That’s great! I’m so proud of you.”

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