Page 73 of Reckless Liar

I shook my head at him. “No. I don’t remember.”

“You asked me who can you blame. I told you I didn’t know. But I did. The only person who’s responsible for Max’s overdose was Max. The only person who could’ve saved Max was Max.”

“You’re wrong. I killed him—it’s my fault he died.”

And I told him about finding the pills. How I ignored the warning signs and the sleepiness when he shouldn’t be tired. I told Xander everything—how Max got fired from all his jobs and money and jewelry went missing. My mother’s sapphire earrings went missing two Christmases before; forty bucks went missing from my wallet and the powdery film I’d find in the bathroom.

The way I kept it inside for weeks until I found him dead. I had so many moments where I could’ve confronted him, and I didn’t; I couldn’t face his wrath I knew would come. The way I never mustered the backbone it’d take to tell him I loved him, and I needed him to get clean because the road he was going down was a dangerous one.

These are the things I never told anyone. Max wasn’t the only one keeping secrets. I knew what he was doing, I knew the danger he was in, and I didn’t say a word. I could have saved him. Instead, because of my cowardice I let him die.

Xander sat back, his eyes narrowed. His jaw tensed as he swallowed. Inside my chest was a flood of shame and relief. I understood why they tell people not to admit affairs. There was a catharsis in telling the truth, but in relieving yourself you’ve thrown the pain onto the ones you’re closest to.

“So, this is the big secret you’ve been keeping from me?” he asked slowly, his face blank. I wished he would show his anger. I didn’t know what to do with this impenetrable wall he’d put up. “This is the reason you keep pushing me away?”

“Yes,” I whispered, glancing up from my hands to his face. His face didn’t betray a single emotion. “Do you hate me?”

He leaned forward, scrubbing his face with his hand, the familiar scrape of his hands against the bristle of his unshaven cheeks. “Of course not.”

He wouldn’t look up at me and I felt the reticence in his shoulders. “I think I should...” he sighed, standing up to grab his jacket where he’d flung it onto the stool the night before. Soundless, I watched as he shrugged it on his bare shoulders. “I need a minute.”

I pulled my knees up to my chest, watching him as he paced. I didn’t trust myself to talk; nothing I could say would take back what I did. His silence sent rejection coursing through me. He might not hate me, but he wasn’t going to love me again. I’d ruined it. I’d destroyed the first good thing I had in my life in years.

I wanted so many things. I wanted to rush to him and beg him to forget everything I’d said. I wanted him to touch me the way I needed to be touched.

“Look, if you want to end it...us...just do it,” I whispered. My voice couldn’t get any louder, as if the words were soft enough, he wouldn’t let me go. “I know you’re mad at me.”

“You’re damn right I’m mad at you.” He sank into the couch next to me, tilting his body toward mine. He looked down and took a deep breath as if he was trying to muster the courage to say something.

Tears stung my eyes as they threatened to overflow. “So do it.”

“I’m not doing anything,” he said firmly.

“You’re not?” I asked softly, not understanding. “So why did you act like you were going to leave?”

“I was pissed,” he replied. “I had to cool down for a bit.”

“Good. You should be pissed,” I mumbled more to myself than anything.

He squeezed my hand and set it down on my lap. I stared down at my hands, the pink places where his hands had touched mine. He got to his feet to look down at me. “This was your big secret? This was the big thing you were using as an excuse not to be with me?”

“Yes,” I replied.

“All that time we could’ve been together. Years that we could’ve had together. You held on to this bullshit for years and let it drag you down.”

“It’s not bullshit. I really sat back and did nothing.”

“I know. And I don’t care.”

“What?” I sputtered. “But I—“

“I love you, Ana. I don’t know how many times I need to say that. I don’t get how you can be so oblivious. How could doubt my feelings? How could you think I’m going to stop caring for you?”

“Because why would you stay? After what I told you, you should leave me. This is more than you bargained for.”

He took my hands in his. “I told you I know you. I might not have known what was going on, but I’m not surprised. And I’m not surprised you’d react that way. You’re not going to scare me away with this confession, Ana. You cannot keep doubting how deep my feeling are for you.”

“But I—“ I stammered.

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