Page 99 of A Manny for Christmas

As I chat to Clara and Sadie, I can’t resist surreptitious glances at our menfolk. It’s surreal, in the most thrilling way possible, to think that this could be our future.

That Max and I could be a real, live couple. Out in the open. Hanging out with our friends on a Sunday while our children all play together happily.

Maybe it’s the half-glass of champagne I’ve already ingested.

Maybe it’s the novelty of being out for a smart Sunday lunch.

Maybe it’s how bloody gorgeous he’s looking today, in a pressed white shirt under a navy blazer, his stubble the perfect length for my fingernails.

I don’t know.

But I do know that, as I stand here, I want this future with him very, very much.

So much it practically steals the breath from my lungs.

The weight of my stare must be pretty heavy, because he glances over and catches my eye, and the sight of that face breaking out into a smile is spectacular.

That’s all I want. That he smiles at me like that every day.

‘When you’ve finished eye-fucking your delicious dream-boat over there,’ Sadie purrs next to me, ‘you can tell us how it’s going.’

I tear my gaze away from Max. Sadie wiggles her eyebrows at me suggestively.

My cheeks heat. I’ve been busted. ‘Sorry.’ I sigh. ‘I can’t help it.’

‘No judgement here,’ Clara says. ‘How hot are our menfolk? It’s ridiculous.’

‘It really is,’ Sadie says.

‘I have zero concerns in that department,’ I admit. ‘I mean, look at him. He’s gorgeous. It’s just—I feel so responsible for Toby and Daisy. It seems so overwhelming that I not only have to find a guy I’m crazy about, but also someone who’ll make the perfect stepfather. The pressure’s insane.’

While Sadie scrunches her face up in sympathetic agreement, Clara puts a hand on my arm.

‘Don’t forget, it’s a work in progress. You can’t expect him to be an amazing dad right from the get-go. You also can’t expect him to be instantly as head over heels in love with your kids as you are. Nor should they love him as much as they love you, or their father. Not for a while, anyway.’

‘You’re right.’ Her words make sense. I haven’t thought about it like that. Maybe my expectations are unrealistic. ‘I suppose it really is a work in progress.’

‘Very much so.’ She nods vehemently, like she’s desperate to get her point across. ‘Honestly, it’s a miracle anyone ever manages to make a go of it second time around. There is a leap of faith involved, and it feels so wrong to be putting your own happiness first. God, the guilt I felt over breaking up our family and pulling Violet and Charlie into a whole new life with a new man was excruciating.’

‘How did you find the strength to make the move?’ I ask.

Her voice is quiet. ‘Because, deep down, I knew Alex was a better man than Jeremy. That he’d be a better role model for my kids. That was all I could do, really—take a view on his integrity, and his character, and believe him when he said he’d do everything in his power to make them happy.’ She shrugs. ‘And he has. It helps that they knew who he was, from YouTube I mean, and that he went to so much effort to make this place an incredible home for them.

‘But honestly, that’s all you can do with Max. Ask yourself if he makesyouhappy, and if he has the right set of values to expose your children to, and whether you can see the beginnings of a good relationship between them, even if it’s not fully fledged yet. Because there aren’t any shortcuts. It’s just about him showing up for them every day—in that respect, it’s exactly the same as being their biological parent.’

Clara’s right. She’s completely right, of course.

I can’t expect Max to fall head over heels in love with my children overnight and instantly transform into a father figure.

All I can ask myself is whether he’s a good man.

Whether he’s committed to me, and Toby, and Daisy.

Whether I can see the foundation of a healthy, joyful relationship between him and them, even at this early stage.

And the answer to all those questions is a tentative, quiet, hopefulyes.

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