Page 81 of Honest With You

Like molten lava, her eyes ignite.

"Pushing you away? Do you even hear yourself, Jesse? This entire time I’ve handed you my heart. My trust. I gave youeverything. All I asked was that you reciprocate. That you put me first."

"I do put you first, Ava," I repeat for about the hundredth time. My frustration climbs. The jealousy and insecurity I stirred up in her is fanning the fire that’s burning us both down.

"Then why do you keep leaving me to be at her side?"

"Ava, the level of responsibility I feel for what happened to her… I––"

"What about me, Jesse? What about your responsibility to me? When will you stop hurting me like this? Leaving like this? Will it be like this every time? Are you going to run to herevery time?"

"No.. I––"

"I just want…” She trails off, wrenching her hand away from mine as she points a finger towards the door. “I can't do this. You want to leave so leave. Go and do what you need to do."

"Ava..." I try again, grabbing hold of her shoulders.

"I SAID GO!" Her expression crumbles as she screams. Her body folds and she sinks to the bathroom floor.

I drop down to my knees, cupping her face. “Baby, I swear this is the last time. My mom will be with me and–”

She shoves me off of her, stumbling in her attempts to stand.

I came here with the sheer intention of letting her know my mom and I were going to meet with Margaret and her parents. My mom wanted to free me of the accusations they seem to put over my head, every time Margaret has a breakdown. I need to do this for Ava and I to move forward. I knew telling her would cause a negative reaction but I wasn’t about to omit the truth from Ava again. I definitely never expected her to be this angry.

The moment I walked into the door, I felt like she was already on the defense. She was huddled in her alcove, her arms wrapped around her middle. The second I told her, she immediately went off on me as if she had been preparing for this moment. We’ve been going back and forth like this for an hour, with her unwilling to let me explain and quite literally pushing me away.

I grasp her elbow, helping her up, and that elicits another wave of anger as she nearly trips in her haste to rid herself of my touch.

“I told you to leave, Jesse.”

I’m at an impasse. I know if I leave her in this state, the chances of her forgiving me for leaving her again are slim but if I didn’t do this, Margaret’s parents would continue to hold this over my head and that might break everything Ava and I have completely.

I have to do this.

I clench my fists, trembling. “We’re going to get through this, Ava. I’m going to fix this. Fix us.”

Iwake up drenched in sweat but before I could even process what time it was, my stomach churns. I start to feel nauseous and I shut my eyes as a bout of vertigo hits. I clutch my belly when a painful spasm wrenches through me. Then another until I’m doubled over in bed in pain.

Iwatch from the doorway, helpless and broken as my kids climb onto the hospital bed to console their sister. Ava’s tormented sobs fill the room and each time it's like a sword to my heart.

Oh, Mary…

How I wish you were here right now.

How do I fix this?

Ava has always been the rock of our family. The one constant source of strength for her siblings.

My children think it was easy for me to stay away from them, but it wasn’t.

It was a habit I didn’t know how to break.

At first it was something Mary and I decided to do so they could have a normal childhood away from the limelight and the industry. Then when Mary died, I buried myself even more at work. It killed me, but it was what I needed to do to survive the heartache and to protect my children from the scrutiny of the press.

Now, as I watch my eldest and youngest sandwich their sister, her pain becoming theirs, I realize just how much damage I've done by staying away.

All I want to do is to hold them and take away all the heartbreak and tragedy, but can I really do that when I’m their biggest one?

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