Page 97 of Glad You Exist

She starts shuffling her feet clearly unsure how to continue.

“Alone?” That whisper came from Kyle. It’s an unsteady offer.

Liz nods and she shuts her eyes again, taking a deep breath.

“I went straight home after I told you guys, I didn’t want to be friends anymore to my parents screaming at each otheragain. It was so bad; worse than it had ever been. Things were getting thrown and Mom yelled at me to go upstairs the second I walked into the house. I think at some point one of our neighbors called the cops. I heard Dad leave then Mom. I let myself cry after they left until I couldn’t anymore then just sat there for a while…maybe hours. Just feeling hollow. The other details of that day are still fuzzy to me, but I remember getting up and going to my mom’s room. I remember just looking around, searching, for what, I don’t know. Her clothes were scattered on the floor, and I remember thinking I needed to clean it up, but I felt so tired. I saw her sleeping pills. They were just sitting there, and I—I—needed sleep.” Liz throat bobs, “So I took one and sat down on her bathroom floor, but I didn’t feel sleepy. I remember looking up at her bathtub, still clutching the pills. Idon’tremember turning the water on, but apparently, I did. I remember feeling frustrated because I really wanted to sleep and never wake up, but the pill didn’t work. I was wide awake, and I was sick of it. I felt that distinction. I remember getting angry. Really angry. I think I may have tossed a few more things on the floor and Irememberthe exact moment I gave up. I wasn’t thinking about anyone else anymore. All I thought about was that I was done. I didn’t want to feel the pain of loneliness or fear or anger anymore. I just wanted to be done. So, I took a few more pills. And then the rest of them…”

Liz’s lower lip starts to quiver, tears spilling out of her eyes when she opens them. Her eyes find mine again. I see the pain written all over her face. Feel it mirrored in mine.

“Dan was the one who found me. He said he came home because Mom called him to check on me. He found Mom’s door open, her room a mess, got worried. He heard the bath running and saw the water spilling out. He rushed in and found me on the floor, my face in the water, empty pill bottle in my hand…and—”

Liz turns her back on us. Her shoulders slump as a sob breaks out of her.

In an instant Kim and Kyle have her.

They set her down on the couch, sitting on either side of her clutching her hands.

In the back of my mind, I register that it’s my job to do that.

I should be there with them, holding her but I can’t get myself to move. I don’t get up.

I fear I’ll collapse from the weight of all of this if I do.

I feel the tears scalding my cheeks before I realize I’m crying too. That we all are.

“Dan took me straight to the hospital. I had to get my stomach pumped out. The doctor… he said that if Dan hadn’t found me when he did, I would have died. I didn’t wake up for two days after that and when I did, they put me on suicide watch. I didn’t see my family right away. I couldn’t speak. I was ashamed of what I had done. Then the psychiatrist suggested I go to rehab. They thought I had a drug problem. I didn’t dispute it, so my parents agreed with the assessment. They wanted me to get help, but I wasn’t there for more than a few days. They realized early on that I didn’t have a drug problem. I had depression. So, I started therapy instead…and, well, here I am.”

Liz folds herself in the couch, her knees bunched up in front of her.

Kyle looks over at me as he tucks Liz in under his arm. I ignore his questioning gaze.

I hang my head, shame in my inability to do anything, still frozen in shock.

I watch them under the curtain of my hair.

“Liz…do you—” Kim runs her fingers through Liz’s hair. “Do you think you…”

“Would I try to kill myself again?” Liz’s whisper voices out the fear banging in my head.

I shudder at her choice of words.

A world without Liz isn’t something I want to think about.

Kim just nods, leaning in to place a gentle kiss on the top of Liz’s head.

“No.” There is certainty in that one word.

I utter a sigh of relief.

Liz turns to look at me at the sound and she lets out a deep breath. I feel it in my bones.

“I have depression and anxiety, but I’ve gotten help. Those thoughts I had back then no longer hold any power over me. I’m stronger now. And trust me…I will never forget the look on my brother’s face, the pain in his voice when I saw him after. Never in my life will I do anything that will cause myself or the people that I love that kind of trauma again.”

As I utter those last few words, I know they’re meant to reassure Brad the most.

I can feel in the gentle and tender ways they are holding me together that Kim and Kyle trust in me and in my truth that I’m stronger than those thoughts.

Brad on the other hand—he’s coming undone.

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