Page 98 of Glad You Exist

He’s crying which he rarely does. His eyes kept flickering back to me but he’s unable to hold my gaze for longer than a few seconds. His knuckles are turning white with how hard he’s gripping his fingers. His shoulders look so rigid, I fear they might break from the tension.

Kim and Kyle exchange a look over my shoulder.

I feel the second they decide to give us space.

Kyle gently eases me back onto the couch. Lowering his head, he meets me at eye level. His eyes shine with such tenderness, I feel another onslaught of tears coming.

He gives me a mere shake of his head before he drops a kiss on the top of my head.

“Don’t get weird on me but I love you Little Lizzy. I’m proud to know you. Proud to be your friend. Just damned proud of you. Thank you for being brave enough to tell us this.”

Then it’s Kim meeting my eyes, “My Liz. So fucking strong. So freaking beautiful. I love you with all my heart. You are not alone, you hear me? You will never be alone.”

Then I’m in her arms. I feel her shake, feel her tears spilling on the back of my shirt as she continues to caress my hair.

We hold each other for a few more minutes then she’s gone. Kyle whisks her away into their room, holding her while she cries on his shoulder.

I lose sight of them behind their closed door.

“I almost lost you?”

Brad’s whisper breaks into my trance. I jerk my head to look at him just as he looks up.

I don’t realize I’m crossing the room until I’m on my knees in front of him. He’s hunched forward so we’re mere inches apart. I take his face in my hands and kiss both his cheeks.

“I’m sorry.” My hands move to his shoulders, down to his arms then to his wrists as I untangle his hands from the viselike grip he has.

In a heartbeat, I’m getting pulled into his lap. His arms circling around my waist tight.

“El. El…I almost lost you.” He buries his face on my shoulder, his breath fanning my neck. I feel his tears hot on my skin. I close my eyes, fighting against my own, trying to remain strong, to let him mourn what I already have.

Grateful that my shame has no place here.

He’s simply afraid of losing me. Of what could have been.

He deserves to feel that pain. To be able to lose himself in it in order to get past it.

I love him enough to put his pain before mine.

To understand that my pain is also his to carry. And his, mine.

“You didn’t. I’m right here.”

I kiss the part of his throat I can reach, running my hands down his back.

“I’m so sorry I wasn’t there for you.”

His jaw tenses then he’s on me, his kiss frantic like he needs to be reassured of my existence. His need is reflected in mine as I become just as desperate as he is. My hands glide all over him like I need to be assured that I’m really here with him as well.

His palms grasp my jaw, and he pulls back, resting his forehead on mine.

“I can’t lose you El. You’re my everything.”

“You won’t.”

My promise echoes in my head, instantly filling me with a sense of calm and peace I only feel when I am with him. He kisses me again, his lips urgent on mine. My arms circle his neck and I press myself against him needing to feel as much of him as I possibly can.

“I’m never leaving you again.” He whispers between kisses, his lips trailing down my neck. “I love you. I love you. I love you.”

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