Page 79 of Glad You Exist

“El?”

I haven’t laughed like this in a long time, and it feels good.

Tears from laughter stream down my cheeks at the recollection of those moments from our childhood. We were so damned carefree. God, I miss it.

“Sounds like Kyle.” I smack his arm. “You jerk. I can’t believe you guys.”

He chuckles, swiping my tears away with his thumbs.

“We were twelve. I’ve grown up El.”

Releasing a sigh of contentment, he pulls me deeper into his arms.

“Can you let me hold you while I say what I need to? It’ll give me strength to get this all out.”

I nod in his chest because this moment suddenly feels fragile somehow and it isn’t like I’m not relishing being in the safety of his arms.

I also need all the strength I can get.

“I know you’re wondering why I dated other girls when I had—have—feelings for you and I’m not proud of myself either for that. They deserved better. You deserve better.”

My breath hitches. I will myself to stay silent and let him say what he needs to.

“In middle school, I was confused. I mean, we’ve known each other our whole lives. I didn’t know if I was jealous or simply feeling overprotective and possessive about you. I mean I always…loved you. I don’t remember a time that I didn’t, so what’s different about it? But when I started getting angry with any guy who gave you attention? When I started getting consumed with thoughts of you. I started figuring out that maybe it was something else. But then I got scared that I would lose this friendship if I messed it up, you know? Or what if you didn’t feel the same way? So, I fought my feelings then.”

I nod. I’ve been going through those same thoughts too.

He tips my chin up to meet his eyes.

“Iwasgoing to tell you, freshman year, but everything got so weird between us. All of us. I mean, now that I know why everything fell apart then, I wish I’d gotten past my ego and told you how I felt. And the last three years…”

His hold on me loosens as he leans back on the bay window, but his eyes never leave mine.

“I can’t tell you how many times I thought about stopping you in the hall or coming over to your house, but I was afraid you were going to blow me off. You barely even looked at me in school. And I was heartbroken, I said fuck it, got pissy about that. So, I did what I thought was right at the time. I dated. Tried to forget about you. Wanted to get lost in someone else. Maybe I even liked some of them, but it never even came close to how I still felt—feel—about you.” He rests his chin on the top of my head. “They weren’t you.”

Guilt slams into me fast. I did that. Because I was selfish.

All the irrational and unsure thoughts I had last night while talking to Dan come rushing back. I feel nauseous, bile steadily rising to my throat, and I break eye contact.

Brad senses my inner turmoil. He quickly sets me back down on the cushions and kneels until were eye level again. “El. Hey. Don’t shut down on me. Please.”

Taking my hands in his, he kisses my knuckles tenderly. Like a magnet, I’m looking at him again through the tears pooling in my eyes.

“I didn’t know—I’m so—”

He grips the back of my neck and drops his forehead to mine.

“Don’t youdaresay you’re sorry. This isn’t just on you. Webothmessed up, but we have to try…No, we need to get past that.”

His thumb starts massaging the hollow of my throat, “I love you, El.”

Ilove you, El.

I shut my eyes. The gravity of finally saying those words to her hits me like a two-ton truck.

Both of us are breathing hard, our air comingling in the inches between us. I can kiss her with the smallest of movements, but I don’t dare yet. I stole those kisses before I told her how I feel. I want to do this right and in order to do that, the next time we kiss needs to beherchoice. I’ve had years to sit on my feelings and really understand them. She has had days. She needs more time. Patience is all I’ve got here.

Strengthening my resolve, I open my eyes, fully intending to tell her just how much I love her again when my bedroom door flies open.

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