Page 7 of Glad You Exist

Mr. Santos shakes his head in amusement as he moves on to the next group.

I understand what made her question the validity of this assignment there for a moment. With what’s been going on in the world lately, it’s a touchy subject. One I know she often struggles with being half Asian. Growing up, she used to confide in me how out of place she always felt like. Not knowing where she belonged. Whether to classify herself as White or Asian. Her deep-seated insecurities whenever there wasn’t even a box, she could check for herself, when asked what she was. I can’t begin to understand her struggle or Kyle’s, but I do acknowledge my privilege of not knowing what that is like. The best I can do is use this project to educate myself better and learn how to be a better ally.

I lean towards Liz, nudging her arm. She barely spares me a glance before going back to highlighting and writing notes on the packet. “I think we should all talk, don’t you?”

I can almost hear the way Kim’s eyes roll next to me. I ignore her and wait for Liz to acknowledge the elephant in the room.

Liz lets out a soft sigh, putting her pen down. She’s still avoiding looking at any of us.

At this point, I am only half-aware of the rest of the class, which is seemingly oblivious to the tension that exists among the four of us, so thick it will takeMjolnirto cut through it.

Before I address it, Liz takes a deep breath and looks straight at Kim.

“I didn’t tell you guys to stop being friends with each other…you know?”

She says it so low that I have to strain to hear it, but the effect of those words cuts through like Thor’s hammer itself.

I drop my forehead on my open palm. I start rubbing circles on my temples as I absorb her words. Suddenly all the repressed disappointment and hurt comes rushing back. I have to grit my teeth to keep them from spilling out. We were in class, forfuck’ssake. I can’t exactly grill the girl who used to be my everything in front of everyone. Especially since I never told her about liking her in the first place. Between the four of us, only Kyle was privy to that piece of information.

“Are you kidding me, Lizzy?” Kim’s voice gets caught on a whisper, which catches my attention. I’m surprised to find her eyes shining with unshed tears.

“I…’’Liz stammers at Kim, looking dumbstruck as if not quite understanding what she just dug up with that statement.

“After all these years? That.Thatis what you choose to say?” Kim’s voice is filled with conviction now. I can tell she is amped to go off.

I know Kyle and I should say something, but I am at a loss. Out of all the times I imagined finally sitting down with them, this scenario never even crossed my mind.

Now Liz has to go and insinuate that we stopped being friends because she said so.

“I have an idea,” Kyle says.

Kim’s head snaps towards him. She is vibrating with repressed anger now. She makes a move towards Kyle, presumably to hit him again or shut him up, when he raises his hand to grab hers. Again.Interesting.

I shelve that away for future questioning.

“We’re in class. I really don’t feel like going to detention for disrupting because that’s what’s going to fucking happen if we keep shittin’ on each other like this. So, calm down.”

I sit back. Unable to do anything but ball my hands into fists, I place them on my knees, trying to calm my rising frustration.

Kim and Kyle are too busy engaging in a silent stare down. Liz is now refusing to look up at any of us or acknowledge what her words have just set off.

After a few moments that pass like eons, the bell rings. It feels like a cold bucket of water over my head. I work on calming down as everyone else starts rising and rushing out of the room in a stampede that only happens when it’s the last class of the week.

I realize how this really isn’t the time or place to hash it all out. Knowing Liz, she is most likely feeling defensive over Kim’s verbal jabs. I may not be friends with seventeen-year-old Liz anymore, but I’ve known her my whole life. I know deep down she wouldn’t say anything with the intent to hurt. I need to convince them to talk, but not here.

Just as I am about to suggest continuing this conversation somewhere else, Liz starts shoving her things in her bag and stands. She slings her backpack over one shoulder.

“I’m sorry for saying that and for what I did before.” Her voice breaks as her face scrunches up like she’s holding back tears. “I hope you guys can forgive me enough that we can at least work on these projects together, but if not, I’d be willing to do all the work.”

As she turns to walk away, Kim reaches out and catches her arm.

“No.”

Liz turns back in surprise. From behind her, I can make out Mr. Santos raising an eyebrow, clearly wondering what is going on but smart enough not to ask questions. He nods to me, further adding proof to my earlier thought that Mom asked him to group us together like this. He gathers his things and walks out of the room, leaving the four of us alone.

Kim stomps her feet in irritation bringing my focus back to our confrontation.

“Look, I’m still pissed, and I don’t have a filter. I’m bound to say some pretty crappy things without thinking them through, but you need to stop walking away and own up to your shit.”

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