Page 8 of Glad You Exist

Liz tilts her head and levels her with a stare. “I thought I just did?”

“Throwing a vague apology three years too late and saying you’ll do our homework for us is not owning your shit,Elizabeth.”

“What do you want from me,Kimberly?”

“The truth.”

This time, it comes from Kyle. In the middle of our exchange, he has gotten up and is now leaning on the windows. His arms are folded over his Seahawks jersey, his legs crossed over his dark jeans.

My head snaps back towards Brad involuntarily. I wait to see if he’s going to add another knife to my gut, but he doesn’t. Instead, he looks at me like I am a stranger with his stupid soulful brown eyes. I guess at this point, that’s what I am.

I glance back at Kim and Kyle, who are both looking at me expectantly.

Even with all of them staring at me, somehow, I’m not feeling seen in all of this.

Hell, I barely recognize myself. Why do I expect them to? I hardly even know them either.

I guess despite everything, I expect Brad to at least recognize that I’m still here, hidden behind all the self-preservation walls I’ve erected. I let my gaze trail back to him. There is something else entirely simmering deep behind his eyes. Something that feels like more than just frustration or anger. I want to break that silent stare, but he remains hunched over his seat. I give up on getting him to back me up here.

I expel a breath; I am not prepared for their anger. Maybe my mom is right—it is time for me to tell them everything. I search for an opening. Something I can say to start the conversation about what caused me to walk away from them. In the back of my mind, the nagging voice that says it wasn’t all my fault, that they severed ties, is getting louder. Self-preservation is winning over logic because, damn it, they distanced themselves just as much as I did. My mind starts conjuring up memories of middle school and freshman year.

Kim and Kyle got popular. Kim started hanging out with other girls. Kyle was busy playing football, dating, and then came his music. Brad started playing basketball while working on his app ideas and learning his dad’s business. All while I was struggling at home and nearly died.

Looking back now, it was like dominoes falling one by one. The incident was simply the catalyst to the end of our already crumbling friendship, so why are they all throwing the blame on me?

I stand up straighter now, angling back so Kim’s hand falls off of my shoulder.

“Listen. As much as I appreciate you all ganging up on me, maybe it’s time you all took a good hard look at yourselves.”

That gets to Brad, and he shoots up to his feet. “What do you mean by that?”

Oh? So youcantalk?

I have to tilt my head up to look him in the eye, but I manage to huff it out. “I mean that you need to stop saying this was all my doing. We all had a hand in destroying this friendship. It was over way before I said it was.”

I mentally pat myself in the back for that winning retort.

Brad blinks, opening his mouth as if to argue, before closing it and turning to look down at Kim beside him, then at Kyle, then back at me.

“You’re gonna have to walk me through this, Liz.”

“Why?”

“Because I don’t know what in the hell you’re talking about!” Brad growls.

My mouth drops open in shock. In the almost 18 years I have known Brad, he has never once raised his voice at me or spoken to me in such a careless manner. It prompts Kyle to push himself off the windows and stand next to Brad, with a hand gripping his shoulder.

I take a step back, trying not to show them just how anxious I am becoming because I needed to stand my ground. This is not going to be all on me.Not anymore.

“I’m tired of being the bad guy in all of this. Yes, I walked away after I said I was done. Yes, I regret that. I AM sorry, I mean that, but I am not about to stand here and be subjected to the blame game, like you guys didn’t stop being my friendfirst. I want to point out that I walked away. I never made demands or said you guys couldn’t be friends. You guys are so fixated on the idea that I was a bad friend. But did any of you even act like my friend before that? Or did you keep blowing me off? Did any of you even bother to ask if I was okay?”

I manage a look at Kim, who has stayed uncharacteristically silent, and find her deep in thought, like she is recalling all the events that took place before that day. A deep crease forms between her eyebrows, her teeth clamping down on her bottom lip.

When she finally glances at me, I see a rush of emotions in her eyes. Before I can decipher their meaning, she suddenly turns to Kyle. It makes me flash back to ten minutes ago when they held hands. To that moment Kyle looked like he was uncomfortable with her skirt pulling up when she sat down. Yeah, I noticed that. It was hard not to. There is also something there in the look they share now. I shelve it for future dissection before finally turning to Brad, whose face is hard with the rush of realization creeping up as he figures it all out in real time.

This time I direct my words at him knowing it will strike a nerve, because why not?

He hurt me too. He just conveniently forgot, apparently.

---