Page 10 of Glad You Exist

I give him my best neutral face, but he folds his arms and peers down at me. I roll my eyes at him, using his height to his advantage, but I sense the interrogation coming.

Dan takes after our dad. Side by side, no one would be able to guess we were siblings. He’s tall, I’m short. He’s white-passing and I take after our Filipino mother. I can’t count how many times strangers have walked up to me to speak to me in a different language or ask me where I am “really” from. Meanwhile, Dan has never been on the receiving end of any of the outward scrutiny, judgment or micro-aggressions that come with being biracial, even though he is. Sometimes I envy that about him. Then I remember he has his own internal struggles. Other people completely disregard the other half of who he is, simply because he doesn’t look the part. All of it just comes with the territory of being racially confused.

I look down at my feet, unable to deal with the scrutiny. My brother and I didn’t use to be this close. The last few years have made us really bond, and although he is four years older than me, he has never once made me feel like I am not on equal footing with him.

“What’s going on, Liz? I can tell something happened.”

I grip my thumbs in between my fingers to keep my breathing even as I fill him in on what happened in Social Studies and our sudden weekend plans.

“So…” He sits next to me, propping his elbows on his knees, rubbing his jaw in thought.

Suddenly a thought crosses my mind. “That means Summer might be there too.”

He grins at that, lifting his shoulder arrogantly.

“Good. Then maybe she’ll realize what she’s been missing.”

Summer is Kyle’s older sister, whom Daniel used to have a huge crush on back when they were in high school. They’d never seemed to be anything more than friendly. There is something in his tone that hints at something more, and I turn to ask him.

He waggles a finger at me. “Don’t change the subject.”

“Dan, I’m not ready.”

“So, you just want to graduate without talking to anyone about it?”

“I talk to Dr T, to you, and to Mom. I had to sit in therapy once a week for two years, and Mom still makes me go once a month. I am all talked out.” I lift my hands in exasperation, then ball my hands into fists as I run my knuckles up and down my legs.

He sighs as he leans over and grasps my hands, rubbing a thumb over my knuckles like he has had to do countless of times, whenever I’ve started having a panic attack.

“Being alone is not the solution. In fact, it’s made it worse.”

“I—I know that. I’m just…”

“Scared?”

“Yeah…”andashamed. I bite back that last part, not wanting to admit even to my brother that shame is a shade I wear quite often. I can admit to myself that that was the real reason I choose to be alone. I would never have to wonder if they would have kicked me out of their lives if I walked away first. At least with that, it’s my choice.

Myonlychoice, I remind myself.

He frowns like he knows what I’m thinking, “I don’t think you have anything to be scared of. Listen to me, your brother is the most judgmental dipshit on the planet, and I don’t judge you one bit.”

“That’s because you’re my brother. You have no choice but to love me no matter what.”

“Liz. Tell me one thing. If it were Brad, would you stop being his friend over it? Or would you want to be there for him and be his friend? What if it were Kim? Or Kyle?”

I bite my lip, feeling the tears I have been fighting all day spill down my cheeks.

Deep down, the same thought has crossed my mind at least a hundred times before.

“I thought so.” He hugs me now, wrapping his arm around my shoulder.

“I think it’s time to stop hiding and start over. Maybe you guys won’t be as close as you were before, but at least you can stop pretending you’re strangers.”

I rub a hand over my face, wiping away my tears as I struggle to compose myself before Mom walks in, sees me in this state, and makes me go to weekend therapy. I nudge him with my shoulder, offering him a small smile to indicate I am okay now—because I really am. Talking to Danny always helps me see things clearly. The only good thing to come out of any of this is this new friendship I have with my brother. We used to bicker a lot growing up and play stupid pranks on each other, but ever since that night, he has been my best friend. I would not trade that for anything. Not even a do-over. Thanks to my brother, one thing has become abundantly clear. I may not be ready to give them all the details, but I am ready to hear them out and let them in. All I can do is hope for the same.

Come Sunday, I will do what I should have done three years ago.

Talk. And not walk away.

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