Page 96 of Glad You Exist

“I know I mess around a lot but looking back, the joke is on me. I’ve been walking around like I own the school, pretending to be someone I’m not. Buying in to the whole popularity game until it became my job. Became a role Ihavetoplay. I’ve started hating the thought of coming to school. Hell, I even started hating football because damn it, I’m growing tired of the same bullshit, day in and day out. No one I know wants to just talk or hang out. Everyone wants a piece of me. Just once I want someone to look at me and see me and not just see what they want to see. Being around you guys again, I realize just how much I lost, how muchI’mlost.” Leaning back on the couch, he stares beyond us and into the fire, “I don’t have to pretend here. I can just be me. Not the artificial shit I put up but thereal me. I don’t have to smile all the damn time or try to fill silence with jokes that don’t even make sense. You guys don't expect the Kyle show and man, I love it when you guys call me out on my shit. No one has done that in three years. Not until Kim let me chase her around all summer.”

He looks up at Kim, his expression tender and knowing,

"I think that's when I figured out that a huge chunk of myself was missing."

In a matter of seconds, Kim is standing in front of Kyle.

She pulls the beer out of his hand, setting it down on the table.

"Don't beat yourself up for something we all had a hand in doing. If we keep holding on to what happened, we'll never get past it. Important thing is, we are here now. Together."

She sits on his lap, a tender hand on his cheek.

Kyle nods and the release at finally saying the words that have been gnawing at him is so palpable in him. His shoulders ease from the tension he’d been holding in. The easy smile is back on his face as he looks around at us, his body vibrating with joy and relief.

His smile falters when he looks beside him at Liz.

“Liz?”

Kim and I follow suit.

Liz is shaking. Her hands grip her phone as she stares down at it.

Her eyes are wide, like a deer in headlights.

I shoot to my feet, at the same time Kim is reaching over to her but Liz’s resounding, “Don’t!” stops both of us, bringing us back down to our seats.

“El?”

“I—I won’t be able to get this out if any one of you touch me right now.”

Her suspiciously bright eyes meet mine and for the first time I finally understand what’s been lurking behind them this whole time.

Fear.

“What’s going on babes?”

Kim’s hand still floats between them, itching to touch Liz.

I understood. I’m hunched over my seat, wanting nothing more than to hold her, offer her my strength. My fingers are tingling from the sheer force of it.

Liz’s eyes shut for a moment and when they flutter open, there’s a determined glint in them. Her eyes still hold the fear, I recognize.

She holds my gaze like she’s afraid to look away.

That’s when it occurs to me that she’s most worried about my reaction to whatever she needs to say. My lips quirk up in what I hope comes off as encouragement even though I feel the familiar gnawing in my gut I felt three years ago when she cut us off.

Unease trickles down my spine.

“I tried to kill myself.”

Kim lets out an audible gasp. I hear her but I can’t make myself look away from Liz. She continues to stare at me, her eyes shining with tears.

I start trembling. I clench my fists tighter together to keep from falling apart.

“That day I came to find you guys…I was in such a bad place. My parents…they were fighting every day. Mom was refusing to divorce my dad even though he had already pretty much moved out. And Dan, he became distant. Barely even spoke or looked at any one of us until he was never home anymore. I just felt so lost and—”

Liz pushes off the couch, dropping her phone on the floor. She walks around the couch, wrapping her arms around her middle. She looks down at her feet like she can’t bear to look at us while she’s laid herself bare.

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