Page 14 of Pretense

Footsteps, light and soft, brushed the porch floor before a light touch rested on his arm. Essie did not crowd him as she sat next to him. “You don’t have to do this. If you can’t handle this, then I’ll go back in there and tell my brother to figure something else out. He’ll understand.”

Farrendel dug his fingers into his knees, focusing on that point of pain. He shuddered through one deep breath, then two. The scent of Essie’s shampoo wafted on a breeze that carried the warm, growing scents of Ellonahshinel in spring.

A part of him bristled at that word. Cannot. It might be true, but it would be humiliating to admit that out loud to their families.

Even then, he still wanted the relief that admitting cannot would bring. He and Essie could go to Lethorel and hide for however many weeks, months, or years it took for the scandal to disappear. Safe and alone.

He released a long exhale, loosening his grip on his knees as his head and stomach settled. Hiding would be best for him, but it would not be best for Essie. She would not last a month before she was miserable. Whenever she returned from a public appearance, she was just about glowing, talking nonstop as she told him about every minute of her day.

She had never asked him to go with her, even though he could see the edge of disappointment that she tried to hide. She wanted to share this part of herself with him, even if she accepted that he could not handle it.

He would have to handle it now. For her sake, he needed to fight for whatever shred of their reputation he could salvage.

“No.” He shook his head against his arms, still gripped tightly around his knees. “No. I can do this. I have to do this.”

Even if it broke him again, he would survive it. After all, he had survived two weeks of torture at the hands of King Charvod of the trolls. This was shorter than that, at least, even if the mental anguish was no less real than the physical anguish had been.

Essie eased closer, her head against his shoulder. “You aren’t going to be forced to do you don’t want to do. It’s your choice, in the end.”

Then it would be his choice to force himself through it. Farrendel lifted his head from his arms, forcing his body to uncurl so that he could lean against the wall behind him. He wrapped an arm around Essie, and she tucked closer against him, her red hair spilling across his shoulder and his chest.

He would have Essie at his side every moment. Her presence would make the public appearances, the crowds, all of it bearable. There, she would be his shield. His protector. If the panic overcame him, she would rescue him.

“I know.” He rested his cheek against the top of her head.

“Then we’ll make this work.” Essie’s arms tightened around him, as if she was trying to hold him together. “We’ll meticulously talk through every appearance until you’re comfortable and prepared. Captain Merrick and Iyrinder will be there to watch your back. You’ll be able to take your swords nearly everywhere we go. And, thanks to the magic in the heart bond, both of us can use your magic to protect ourselves.”

That did not sound so horrible. He would not feel so vulnerable if he had his swords strapped across his back. And he did have his magic, a magic he could use with much more control and confidence than he had in the past.

Essie tilted her head to look up at him. “Then we can return to Tarenhiel to wait out the initial scandal. Maybe we can go to Lethorel for a few weeks like I know you want to do.”

He released a long breath, the tightness in his chest loosening rather than twisting again. “It would be nice to spend our anniversary at Lethorel.”

Just him. Essie. A few guards who could be convinced to give them lots of space. It was his idea of the perfect holiday.

If he focused on the coming trip to Lethorel, perhaps he could survive the next week. One week or so of near panic, then he could escape with Essie for a while.

“Yes.” Essie sat up, pushing off him and brushing her hair out of her face. “Now go on. I know you’re just itching to get in a little alone time before we set out for Escarland. The train won’t leave until you’re ready.”

“Linshi, shynafir.” Farrendel kissed her before he stood, his muscles tensed with the need to disappear into the vastness of Ellonahshinel and lose himself in movement and solitude until his tension bled away.

Perhaps, by the time he boarded the train for Escarland, he might even be tired enough that he would not panic when Averett and Edmund inevitably wanted to rehash the plan yet again.

Chapter Five

Edmund’s heart pounded as he faced Jalissa, the cold Kostarian wind whipping around them. This wasn’t the right time. She was leaving for home while he would stay here in Kostaria, spying for both Escarland and Tarenhiel.

But despite his secrets, he found himself tugging Jalissa aside, looking into her eyes, and saying, “Jalissa, I would like to court you, when I return.”

Jalissa’s face had already been strangely cold, but now her whole body stiffened. When she met his gaze, it was with the same icy, detached expression she had given him when she’d arrived in Escarland on her diplomatic mission. “I am sorry if I have given you the wrong impression these past weeks, but I could never court a human.”

With that, she spun on her heels and marched to the train, her head held high as if she had not just chilled him more than the icy wind scouring the Kostarian mountainside.

It was for the best. He had too many secrets he could never tell her. Those secrets had, after all, broken both their hearts once already.

Edmund followed Jalissa as the meeting broke apart. She kept her head down, her glossy dark brown hair flowing across her back, as she hurried from the sitting room at a pace only slightly more dignified than Farrendel’s when he’d fled the room a moment ago.

She hurried onto a branch that led to her room, and Edmund quickened his pace to catch up with her before she could disappear within. His heart pounded, and every bit of common sense screamed that this plan was foolhardy. Hadn’t he toyed with Jalissa’s heart more than enough already? He had too many secrets, too many reasons why things could never work between him and Jalissa.

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