Page 61 of Lost Soul

Gorgeous blue eyes peer over the rim of his cup as he drinks, a smirk lifting his cheeks. Obviously, he finds amusement in me walking in these ridiculous heels while trying to keep my modesty.

“The dress is Carly’s,” I explain, taking the seat opposite him and trying to hide the flush in my cheeks.

“It means a lot that you convinced Prez to let me come today,” I say picking up my fork.

Jessie shakes his head like it’s no big deal, but for me, it means everything that I get the chance to say goodbye to her properly.

“Do you think I’ll be safe today… from the… you know?” I check, the thought of leaving the safety of the club makes me nervous.

“You think I’d let you come if I wasn’t?” he snaps, then suddenly looks guilty again. “Look, they wouldn’t dare show up today. We have brothers from every Charter riding in to pay their respects. You’ll be safe, I prom…” Something stops him from finishing his sentence. Instead, he screws up his eyes and swallows his words. We eat the rest of our breakfast in silence, and he waits for me to finish before he stands up and clears the table.

“I’m heading down to the club, Carly said you could catch a ride down with her.”

“And Mads…” He moves to stand in front me, shocking me when both his hands take hold of mine. Him touching me feels good, and I look down to where his thumbs rub over my skin. “I’m gonna need you to stay real close today.”

I smile at the thought of being close to him for a whole day as he backs up and pulls his cut over his black shirt. He rolls his sleeves up to his elbows, and with the thin black tie around his neck, he looks delicious.

“I can do that,” I assure him, and we spend the next few seconds staring at one another. Jessie relieves the awkwardness when he shakes his head and steps out.

Carly and I drive down to the club a little after Jessie leaves, and the scene that greets us punches all the air out of my lungs. The yard is bursting with chrome and leather, bikes are parked in rows, and there are swarms of people, way too many to count. Carly struggles to find anywhere to park so ends up dumping the car behind the garage and grabs my hand, leading me through the people congregating outside into the club.

The smoke-filled room is packed, the noise deafening as people greet old friends and glasses clatter on the bar. I take a few steps inside and all conversation stops. All eyes move to focus on me. The silence pinches at my ears and blood rushes to my cheeks, heating my face.

Carly tugs on my hand trying to move me forward, but I don’t budge, the judgmental stares are anchoring my feet to the floor.

What had made me think it would be okay to come here today?

I didn’t deserve forgiveness from these people, every single person here knows it would be me being buried today if it wasn’t for Hayley’s sacrifice.

They all wish it was me.

I manage to control my body enough to turn, preparing myself to run and retreat back to Jessie’s cabin, but I’m blocked. My eyes raise slowly over the tall, bulky body standing in my way until I reach eyes that resemble hers. It strikes me how different he looks, his crisp white hair combed neatly back off his face and his beard trimmed to perfection.

“Where you think your goin’?” Hayley’s dad looks down his nose at me, his voice rough and so deep it vibrates in my chest. I don’t need to turn my head to know that Jessie is beside me now, I can feel that flutter in the pit of my stomach that comes whenever he’s close.

“I…” My words fail to come out. “I shouldn’t be here. I’m so sorry.” I attempt to step around him, but with a simple slide, he blocks me again.

“Why?” He folds his arms across his broad chest and waits for my answer like it might give him the pleasure he’s been craving. So, I tell him exactly what he wants to hear. It’s the truth after all.

“Because it should be me. I should be the one who’s being mourned today. Not Hayley, not your daughter who was loved by all these people,” I tell him, somehow managing to look him in his eyes.

“Sir, there aren't words that will ever tell you how sorry I am that it was her and not me, and I can’t imagine the pain you must be feeling.” I push through tears to finish what I have to say. “Every morning I wake up with the same heartbreak, feeling like I can’t face another day being tormented by that guilt. But I make damn sure I do. Because of Hayley, and what she gave up for me. That may be little or no comfort to you at all Mr. Carson, but I wanted you to know it.”

I’ve rambled but I’m still impressed that I managed to say everything without bursting into tears. Embarrassed, and more than ready to leave, I step around him again. This time he doesn’t move, and I’m almost clear past him before his hand reaches out and grips the top of my arm. I feel Jessie tense, as his Prez leans his head into my face, close enough so no one other than myself, Jessie, and Carly can hear him.

“You were my daughter’s friend. She’d want you here, and today that’s all that matters. Now turn the fuck around, hold up your head and come to say goodbye to her.” Even the heat in his fiery eyes doesn’t take the chill out of his voice, and I nod until he lets go of my arm. He walks on past me like our encounter never happened, and when I turn around Jessie is staring back at me equally as shocked. I don’t know what to say to him, but the way he dips his head and gives me a trace of a smile lets me know I haven’t imagined what just happened.

Jessie takes my hand, and leads me out the clubhouse and to his bike in the yard. It’s parked in front of all the others, directly behind the hearse, and I guess the bike beside it belongs to Hayley’s dad. Jessie lets go of my hand and slings his leg over its leather seat. Steading the bike between his thighs he grips the high handlebars with one hand, then holds out his other one to me.

“You want me to ride with you?” I ask in disbelief.

“Told you, I want you close,” he reminds me. “You got a problem riding with me, darlin’?”

“No. Just Carly told me there were rules about girls riding on the back of bikes.” I bite my lip, regretting the words as soon as they come out of my mouth. He’ll probably make me ride in the truck now, and I really do want to ride with him.

“Carly’s rarely wrong.” He shrugs. “Now you gonna stand there gawking, or are you gonna get on?” He treats me to that sexy smirk that always triggers a reaction from me.

“My dress, it’s real short, and I’m wearing these heels.” I look down to the ridiculously high heels that Carly’s convinced me to wear. Hardly bike riding get-up.

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