Page 80 of Thalia De Luca

The rest of the drive is silent and once I arrive, I park the car in the parking lot. I get out of the car and then go to the other side of the car to get Landon. I hold Landon’s hand as we walk towards his father's headstone.

Once we are standing in front of it, I give the flowers to Landon, and he puts them down in front of it.

Alexander Russo

An amazing son, a loyal friend, an unforgettable husband

I found out I was pregnant a few weeks after Alexander died. At first, I didn't want to keep it and I was going to get an abortion because I didn't feel like taking care of someone when Alexander died but then I started thinking about what Alexander would want since he is the father. He would want me to keep the baby and try to move on.

After the night of the ball, I was heartbroken. I didn't eat or sleep, which was bad for the baby, but my family helped me. Thank God the Russian problem was finally solved though, at least for now it is. My father is trying to make sure everything is okay along with Killian since he is now taking the lead of the boss.

When I found out that Cameron’s whole life here was just a front I was shocked. Cameron has been on this mission, trying to kill me and my family for almost my entire life, with his brother.

But when I had Landon, it felt like something beautiful entered my life and made it brighter. He looks exactly like Alexander but with some of my features. He has light brown hair and hazel eyes. He also has Alexander's ears and lips. Every time I look at him, I see a smaller version of Alexander from when we were five.

"Hi, daddy," Landon says. He likes to talk to Alexander every time we visit. "Today momma and I had eggs and bacon for breakfast. She said it was your favorite. We also drew pictures last night too. I drew one of you, momma, and I." I showed Landon some pictures of Alexander because he wanted to see what his father looked like. He said that he looked cool which made me laugh. "I miss you. I wish I could see you." Landon then kisses the headstone and I try not to let a tear slip but when it does Landon sees and he comes up to me and wraps his tiny arms around me. I let out another sob and wrap my arms around him. "It's okay, momma. You can cry."

I don't like crying in front of him. I want to be strong for him.

I'm not going to lie; this whole parent thing has been so hard. But with my dad, Killian, and Alexander's parents have been super helpful. Jane also decided to move in with me for a good year to help me out.

Things with my mom have been getting worse, slowly.

I found out she has cancer a few years ago, around the time Landon was born.

She is dying, I know she is.

But I don’t want to admit it.

She is at home right now with Killian because he is waiting for the hospice to get to the house so he could come here. My dad wanted to stay with her but she forced him to come today.

"I'm sorry, Landon. I'm so sorry."

I still blame myself for Alexander taking a shot for me.

If I was paying attention, then he wouldn't have died.

My mother and father know that it's not my fault, but I blame myself every day.

"It's okay, momma. I'm here. I will always be here," he whispers in my ear. "I love you, momma."

"I love you, Landon. I always will," I say softly. I let go of him and put a fake smile on. "I think Grandpa is here." I look behind him and see my father's car coming in.

“He is?” Landon turns his head and smiles before running.

I smile while watching him before turning to Alexander's stone.

"Hi," I say while trying not to cry. "I can't believe it's been six years. I feel guilty every day." A tear slips from my eye. "Why'd you leave? Why did you have to take the bullet Alexander? You weren't supposed to save me, Xander. You were supposed to be like everyone else and just let me take it." I turn my head away as more tears start to fall. I bite my lip to hold back the tears, but it doesn't work. "Jane comes over every day to make sure I'm okay but I don't know if I ever will be. It helps that she lives close by. Landon looks just like you and every time I look at him, I feel like breaking down, but he also fills that void of you not being here," I sob. "I lost myself in you and then I lost you."

I feel a hand being placed on my shoulder and all of a sudden, I don't feel alone anymore or feel like my heart turned completely black. It's like a switch in my body flipped and all that darkness and sadness washed away with one single touch only one person could make me feel.

"If only you knew how wrong you are," a familiar voice says, and I feel like I am dying from holding my breath too long. I stand up but don't turn around, still staring at Alexander's grave. "I told you before and I am going to tell you again. I am a selfish motherfucker. I would rather die than live in a world without you, rather than you living in a world without me."

I shake my head as some more tears escape my eyes. "No," I whisper.

"Turn around and look at me, angel."

I nip at my lip and turn only to see Alexander Russo staring back at me.

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