Page 75 of Montana Mystery

“Noah,” a voice said, and I didn’t listen. “Noah!” The second one was muffled by the door closing behind me. I didn’t stop. Didn’t look back. I needed to get away from here.

The cold winter wind sliced through my clothes, carrying me back to that moment and threatening to drown me all over again.

Rage and pain, that’s all there was in the center of my chest. I didn’t want to feel this way anymore. I’d thought I was past having that kind of attack—that I was stronger than the memories. Even with everything that had happened up closer to the surface, I hadn’t had a full-on blackout in years. It terrified me. I could have hurt Jude, or, if it hadn’t been at dinner, Kate.

Now I understood why he didn’t want to risk Lena. If I hurt her? I wouldn’t be able to live with that.

Restless fire seethed under my skin. I didn’t want to go back to my house where there was nothing but the gentleness of the kittens and my memories of Kate. The scent of her on my sheets. I wasn’t even sure I wanted to be near the animals right now. They were so sensitive to moods, I would disturb them.

Maybe I could go to the gym and work it off.

“Noah,” Kate called from behind me.

I was already a ways down the road in the direction of my house, so she was far behind me. Guilt clawed at my throat. I’d left her there with everyone, on top of what she’d just seen.

Shoving my hands in my pockets, I hunched my shoulders lower against the wind, and kept walking.

“Noah, wait.” She was out of breath.

I slowed out of instinct, because even if it was just her being winded, no part of me wanted her to hurt. “You can go enjoy dinner,” I said, doing my best to keep my voice gentle. “I don’t want you to see me like this.”

The crunch of her boots on the snow got closer. She’d brought my coat. “Like what?”

The question made me stop dodging her gaze, and none of the emotions that I’d feared were in her eyes. “Kate.”

“Why would I care about seeing you like this, Noah? I don’t mean that in a flippant sense. I mean that I know enough about what you’ve been through to understand. And I’ve seen my brother like this and worse.”

I hadn’t even thought about the fact that she might have seen an episode like this before.

“This isn’t anything new to me, and it doesn’t scare me. If you want me to leave because you need to be alone, then tell me. But if you’re walking away from me right now because you’re ashamed of what happened, then stop. It’s not needed.”

No words came. I just looked out over the ranch, trying to fit together the fractured pieces of what I felt.

“I just need to know that you’re okay,” she said quietly. Taking another step forward, she pushed my coat into my hands. I took it and put it on.

“I’m not.”

Kate nodded. “I know. But you will be.” She didn’t wait, stepping close and wrapping her arms around me, pressing her face into my chest. “I don’t know what it’s like to have that kind of memory. But I try to understand. At the very least, I get it better than some people, having seen it firsthand. Please don’t hide from me.”

That cracked the hold on my mind. I wrapped myself around her, burying my face in her neck where I could feel her warmth, catch that light, fruity scent that always clung to her. “What if it had been you?”

“What do you mean?”

“If you’d been standing next to me instead of Jude? Would I have attacked you?”

Kate’s fingers tightened on the small of my back. “You didn’t attack him,” she said. “He did that to make sure you didn’t collapse or anything else.”

“I could have attacked him.”

Pulling back far enough to see my face, there was fire in her eyes. “You have enough to deal with. Don’t take on guilt for something you didn’t do just because it was one of many possibilities.”

She wasn’t wrong. It also wasn’t that simple.

“Let me help you,” she said, twisting upward in my arms until her lips met mine. “Just like the other night, let me help you forget for a little while.”

“Kate.”

“Noah.” She placed a hand on either side of my face, just like she had when she brought me out of the cold the first time. “Look at me and hear me when I say this. I’m not afraid of you or your past. I wasn’t afraid of you when you got into that fighting pit, and I’m not now. I see you, and I know who you are.”

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