Page 23 of The Love Dealer

When Zo first disappeared, I hated him just as much as I loved him. That hate fueled me daily. I had journals full of letters I wished I could send him and poetry that would break his heart if he read it. I shared a few with him when he told me his truth, and after that, I deleted them all. It didn’t feel necessary to remain in that hate any longer.

Her behavior truly baffled Zo because he swore there was no love between them, but I told him I didn’t think that was the case. He might not have loved her the way he loved me, but they were connected on an intimate level, and that connection created attachment. It was easy for him to detach, but that wasn’t looking like it would be the case with her. That’s what made a lot of people linger—that attachment—not love.

I also felt like Reka probably loved him the best way she knew how. We didn’t express our love the same way at times. For Zo and me, we learned to give each other love the way we needed it, but I don’t think he put forth that effort with Reka, or any other women, for that matter.

While that made me happy, it also made me sad. I didn’t want Reka to hurt, just like I didn’t want Nick to hurt. I hated that he’d chosen the moment I was ready to walk away to fight for us, but I had to keep the right perspective and do what was best for me.

“What’s on your mind?” Alonso asked.

I didn’t realize how deep I was in my thoughts until I heard his voice. We were on our way back to his hotel room. It was so nice out, we had the windows down slightly instead of the air. My eyes were trained on the flashing cars on the interstate while I thought about this sticky situation we both found ourselves in.

“Reka and Nick,” I admitted. “I don’t want us being together to hurt either of them.” I looked over at him. He was so fucking sexy, he made the most common things look good. Just his side profile as he gripped the steering wheel had me squeezing my legs together. I loved a man in jewelry that wasn’t gaudy or excessive, and the diamond studs, small Cuban link chain, and gold Rolex he had on was simply perfect. “I’m talking like we’ve discussed what we’re even doing past this weekend.” I chuckled nervously.

“I like that, though.” He looked at me and shot me a wink with a soft smile before returning his attention to the road. “I know you overthink and try to plan everything out to maintain control, so what would you like for us to talk about?”

“What are your short-term and long-term goals? And where am I in that picture?”

“I think you should answer that first. This is your period of enlightenment. My life adjusts to yours accordingly.”

“Babe…” I called sweetly, connecting our hands. “Zo, I love when you say shit like that. You don’t realize how much it means to me. I love when a man has a we or partner mentality and considers me. Include me. Yassss, Iloveit!”

“You so fucking silly,” he said after chuckling. As he lifted my hand and kissed it, I thought over my goals.

“Long term, I want to get married and have three more kids. I want to get my passport and fill it up. I’m chill and don’t do a lot, but I know that will change if I came back home. One thing that I love to do regardless is travel, especially near water or in nature. I want to set myself up financially to travel once a month, and I also want a tribe around me that can help with my kids so that they are well rounded, loved and cared for, but never a burden that makes me feel like I can’t live my life because of them.”

“Is that how you feel with Trinity now?”

“No, but I feel like if I stay in Dallas and things don’t change, I will be miserable. I never want to resent being a mother. I love my daughter more than anything, so I want to make myself happy because I know she senses that. My desire is to show her she can be happy and at peace, living a life she loves, with or without a man. I want to show her the importance of community, too. But I have a lot to do before that happens.”

“I feel you. It’s a mental thing more than anything.”

“Right. I know if my thoughts aren’t aligned with what I want, I won’t do the actions necessary to have what I desire. I can want change all day, every day, but if my actions don’t align with that, I’ll be manifesting misery.”

He looked over at me for a few seconds in silence before smiling.

“What?” I asked.

“Nothing. Keep going. What are your short-term goals?”

“I need to come back home. If I don’t, Nick is going to convince me to try again, and I might be happy for a few months, or even a year, but eventually, he’s going to go back to his old ways, and I will be unhappy again.” I paused and removed my hand from his. “I need to find my own happiness, yes, but I also can’t be with a man who makes me unhappy. Does that make sense?”

“Fa sho. You gotta love yourself and be happy yourself, but ya man is supposed to increase who and what you already are. If he’s taking more than he’s giving or not adding more than he’s subtracting, you need to end that altogether.”

I sighed and shook my head as I looked out of the window again. “I’ve been so happy with you this weekend. You’ve filled me to the hilt. I was so empty when I got back to Memphis, and in four days, you helped me refill what being with Nick stripped me of in three years. I know in my heart that I should come back to Memphis, start working, and focus on myself and my daughter… But I got a funny feeling that Nick is going to try his hardest to keep us in Dallas because of his guilt and desire to fix things between us.”

“And that’s why you’re thinking about him and Reka?”

“Yes,” I admitted. “I feel like if I come home and get with you for a happily ever after, we’ll be tossing it in their faces. We’re tied to these people for life because of our kids. Nick already feels like I’ve been cheating with you since day one because we’ve been friends on Facebook. If he finds out about us, he’s going to flip. And Reka is clearly possessive of you. No matter how many men she fucks with—she still wants you.”

“But I want you.” Our eyes locked, and the passion in his made my heart palpitate. “I’vealwayswanted you. If you give me the chance to have you, I don’t give a fuck how they or anyone else feels.”

“I want you, too,” I agreed softly, as if we weren’t the only two people in the car.

“I want you to make a decision that’s best for you and Trinity. Don’t worry about us, aight? And don’t worry about them. Decide what’s best for you and baby girl. If we’re meant to be together, we will find our way back to each other like we always do.”

“Thank you for being so understanding.”

“Always, bae.”

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