Page 31 of The Hot Mess

“I shouldn’t have come here straight from the airport,” I decided out loud. “It was a mistake. I’m tired and strung out. Nothing’s coming out right. I—I should go.”

“Yes. You should,” she said quietly.

The pain and quiet resolve in her voice tore me to shreds. I wanted to hold her, to kiss her. To chase all the bad away. But I brought all of this on her. If only I could have controlled myself that first night we had dinner, or any time after that. Better yet, if I could have kept my big mouth shut long enough to avoid asking her to dinner in the first place.

I quietly slipped out her door. Just outside, I hesitated for a moment, thinking of going back in. I didn’t know what I’d say or do. Walking away from her just felt wrong. But just as I turned for the door again, I heard the lock turn. She was ready for me to be gone and not come back.

Against my better judgment, I walked off down the hall towards the elevator, my heart sinking deeper with every step. I thought breaking things off would make me more clear-headed. I thought it would help. But it had only made things worse. Now in addition to facing this huge decision, I would have Jada’s heart weighing on my conscience, while my own heart was in just as bad a shape as hers.

16

Jada

After locking the door, I tried to go back to doing the dishes and pretending like everything was fine. What did I expect to happen anyway? I knew what kind of man Jack was. I knew what he was—or rather what hewasn’tlooking for, which was anything committed or serious. And I wasn’t looking for that either…Was I?

No, of course I wasn’t. No one ends up with the man they lose their virginity to. Not in this day and age. With my new look and lease on life, I was supposed to go out and paint the town. Sleep around. Live daringly and do things I had never done before. All Jack had done was distract me from that. The time and space he wanted was perfect, and I was determined to convince myself I wanted it too. A permanent break. That was what we really needed. To put this whole silly fling behind us and accept that it was never going to be anything more.

But as I scrubbed away at a piece of dried food stuck to a pan, my vision blurred with tears. No matter what I tried to convince myself of, my heart felt like it was shattering into a million pieces. I thought I had been keeping my head above water with him, but I was so wrong.

It was bad enough that I felt humiliated and stupid for feeling so much for him. But on top of that, my emotions had been a wild roller coaster for the past week. It was like PMS on crack. One minute I felt on top of the world, the next I felt like crying for no reason. And that was before Jack came back and dropped his bombshell of wanting to take some time apart. If I was struggling to keep it together before, I didn’t stand a chance now.

I dried my hands off as my phone rang. Isabella was calling. She was the last person I wanted to talk to. She would never understand how I was feeling. For one, no one knew what was going on between Jack and me. And second, she didn’t seem like the type who would ever let a guy get under her skin enough to break her heart. She was the epitome of an ice queen. I had thought I could learn to be more like her, but I was wrong about that too apparently.

As I pressed the button to ignore the call, I noticed a missed voicemail on the screen. It must have come through during that whole awful exchange with Jack. I held the phone to my ear and listened to the message. Messages I could handle. Actually having a conversation with anyone at that moment - I could not.

Hi, this message is for Jada Meadows. This is Sasha at Dr. Taylor’s office. I was just calling to confirm your appointment for this Tuesday at 9:00am for your birth control implant procedure. We’ve emailed you some information on what to expect and how to prepare. Please call us if you need to cancel or reschedule. We’ll see you Tuesday morning. Have a great day.

Dammit!I had been so wrapped up in all of these new things in my life, I had forgotten all about the appointment to have the implant put in. After avoiding it for so long, I had finally come to the conclusion months ago that I obviously wasn’t going to be settling down and having kids with anyone any time soon, so I figured I might as well commit to a more long-term birth control solution.

Something about the message was nagging at me, making me feel sick to my stomach. But I couldn’t quite figure out what it was. I absentmindedly glanced at my calendar, noticing now that I had written the appointment down when it was first scheduled. But there was something more alarming on my calendar. I snatched it off the wall to look closer, studying my system of dots and dashes that told me when to expect my period.

I had gone off the pill to prepare for the implant, and my period would have ended just before the appointment. That is…it would have, had it ever actually started.

My eyes grew wider the longer I stared and was hit with the startling realization that my period was over a week late. Was that why I had been so emotional?

It had to have been some kind of fluke. My cycle was just all messed up from the switch off of the pill. Right?Yes, that’s what it is, I told myself over and over again. But all of that reassurance didn’t stop me from jumping in a cab to head across town to see the only person I could stand to be around right then.

* * *

“Thanks for seeing me,”I offered to Victoria as she handed me a cup of tea. “I’m sure this is nothing to worry about, but I just couldn’t do it alone.”

“Of course. We are sister-in-laws after all. I’m happy to be here for you.”

She slid a paper bag over to me on the edge of her bed, where we both sat with the door locked. “I got a few different tests just in case.”

“It’s just a precaution,” I insisted. “I’m sure I’m overreacting.”

I wanted her to agree, but instead she opened up one of the boxes and read the instructions outloud. I took it from her and went into the bathroom to do everything she instructed. After it was over, I set the stick down on the bathroom counter and rejoined her in the bedroom.

“Five minutes?” I asked. She nodded. “That’s like an eternity. I don’t think I can stand it.”

“It’s just a precaution, remember?” She patted the bed next to where she was sitting, calling me over to join her again. “Why don’t you fill me in on everything while we wait?”

Reluctantly, I sat down and told her everything. Jack asking me to dinner, which was innocent enough, until it wasn’t. I even admitted that I was a virgin before him. I told her all about our little affair and how he ended things. I was even more upset after speaking it all out loud, but by the time I finished it was time to revisit that dreadful stick waiting for me in the bathroom.

“I can’t do it,” I said in a panic. “Can you look for me?”

“Of course,” she smiled before slipping into the bathroom.

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