Page 55 of Hold

“I’ve regretted leaving you every single day.” She still looked at the ceiling but shook her head incredulously. “It’s true. I’ve loved you for fifteen years, T, and the boys are my life.”

“Your life?” she burst out, unable to stand it anymore. “Your life? Then I suppose you were dead when you walked onto that airplane and leftyour sonswithout a father!”

“I was dead for years before that,” he said. “Every time I let you down. Every time you looked at me, the way you are now. I know I was never good enough for you.”

“Don’t. You. Daregive me that ‘it’s not you, it’s me’ bullshit!” Her voice was tight with emotion, with some final effort not to scream at him, with Benji about to come down. She took a shaky breath, pressed her hands onto the sturdy, cool surface of the kitchen table, and leaned over them, cutting off her view of him.

“What do you want, Gabriel?” she asked, hoping she sounded as cold as she felt.

“I want you back,” he said simply. “All of you.”

She laughed, a jagged sound that made him flinch. “Are youfuckingkidding me?”

That was loud. Benji ran down the stairs, a Lego airplane in each hand, and heard her. “No!” he shouted. He ran up to his father and stood in front of him, his small arms ludicrously outstretched as if to protect him. “Don’t yell at him! You’ll make him leave again!”

She couldn’t take this. This much hurt piled on hurt. She dropped her head into one hand.

“Ben,” Gabe said, crouching down and taking one of Benji’s outstretched hands to spin him around. “Your mam didn’t make me leave. I did it all by myself. And I feel terrible about it. But don’t blame your mam, okay?”

“She shouts,” Benji said, his initial joy at seeing his father now outweighed by all that had happened since the last time they’d been together. “All the time.”

“That’s my fault, kiddo, not hers. I’ll explain it to you another time.” He looked up at Thea, who saw it through her fingers but didn’t take her hand away. Her heart throbbed in her chest, and if she didn’t get away from him soon, she was going to break into pieces.

“Ben,” he said gently, wiping away the tears on Benji’s cheeks with one thumb. “I’m staying with your cousin Sean. You remember him? I’m staying right there, just a ten-minute drive from you.”

“We don’t see them anymore.” Benji sniffed. He sounded suspicious of their continuing existence.

“I bet,” said Gabe. “But that’s where I am. I’m going to go now, ’cause I see you’ve got some food to put away and dinner to make and such—”

“Mom! Can he stay for—?”

“No, I have to go. But if it’s all right with your mam, I’ll come back tomorrow, same time.”

Thea took her hand away from her face long enough to nod, but she still didn’t look at Gabe. “All right,” he said. “We’ll have a proper chat then, and you can show me your Legos.”

“Okay.” The uncertainty in Benji’s voice brought Thea’s hand back up to her face.

“I promise,” Gabe said. “You’ll see. Tomorrow. Oh, and I have a new mobile number. Here.” He pulled a piece of paper out of his pocket on which he’d already written the number. Benji took it and looked a little more hopeful. “Call me anytime you like between now and then, okay? Anytime.” He hugged Benji to him again like he was planning to absorb him. “I love you, Ben.”

Benji was still staring at the number. Gabe stood up and looked at Thea. “Thanks, T. I’ll be back tomorrow.”

Whatever, she wanted to say. Goddammit, he’d taken her back to that nineteen-year-old again. The screen door shut. Benji ran to her purse, which lay among the bags of food she’d forgotten about, and found her phone. He dialed Gabe’s number and waited.

She heard Gabe’s chuckle when he picked up. “I’m not even at the end of the road, Ben.”

“Just checking.” Benji held the phone so tightly to his ear then that Thea didn’t hear what Gabe said next, but Benji seemed satisfied and the call wasn’t long.

“Put away the groceries,” she said when he started to move back toward the stairs.

“Mommm,” he said, as if the appearance of his father was reason enough to eschew all chores.

“Come on. And I’ll make dinner.” She turned away from him and put her hand to her chest.Be normal. Breathe in, breathe out. Don’t think about how much Benji might prefer to be with him than you. “I haven’t forgotten that I said you only have to have two bites of your veggies tonight.”

That news spread a grin over Benji’s face almost as big as the one Gabe had created. He turned back and reached into a bag, as usual somehow figuring out which one had the cookies and snacks in it before any of the rest. Thea turned on the stove, the oven, got out pans, spread fries over a tray, poured water to boil, and generally tried to act as normal and un-shouty as possible.

When dinner was nearly ready, she texted Jake but wasn’t surprised when he texted back that he was an hour away.

You want me to pick you up?she texted.

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