Page 65 of Hold

He did, at last, pull away. “He’s gone?”

“Yes.”

Jake relaxed one iota. He put a hand to the back of his neck. She thought two things on top of each other: one, that Liam did that too, and two, that Jake’s knuckles were bleeding.

“Jake! What did you do to your hand?”

He looked at his hand, the dark-red streaks along it. “I punched a wall.”

“Jesus. Come on. Let me clean it.” He let her lead him by the hand to the kitchen, where she ran the water hot and pulled out peroxide and gauze. “Looks like the wall won.”

“Yeah. Felt good though.”

“Jacob.” What was she supposed to say to that? As she wiped away the blood and grit, she decided on the truth. “Feels good to deal with a pain you made for yourself, doesn’t it?”

His eyes flew up to hers, his mouth open.

She’d decided he wasn’t old enough to tell; too much information was a dangerous thing for a teenager. But he was a young man and hurting and feeling like no one understood what he was going through.

“When your grandma and grandpa died,” she said, “I got very depressed. It was a pain so deep, I wanted to disappear into it. My brother and sisters seemed to be moving on—well, Aunt Sam found her own unhealthy way to deal with it, but the others… I was at college by myself and I felt… invisible.” She got out the bacitracin and smeared some onto the cuts on his knuckles. “Do you know what cutting is?”

He nodded, still staring at her with his mouth open.

“Well, I did that a few times. It felt like… like this.” She shook his hand. “It hurt, but I could control it, and I couldn’t control anything else.”

She turned her arm over and ran her hand over the faint scars inside her forearm.

“Mom,” Jake said, his voice low.

“They’re faint because I found out pretty quick that it didn’t help in the end. I was just putting more pain out there. And I knew I was important to people, and if I went any further, I’d be creating pain for them as bad as what I was feeling.”

And,she didn’t say,your father made me feel visible again.

She picked up a Band-Aid and began covering his knuckles. “I’m not going to—”

“Good. Because we can’t be without you, Benji and me.” She finished the last knuckle and put her arm around his shoulders, touching her head to his spiky one.

“I know,” he mumbled.

“And I don’t just mean ’cause you’re a cheap babysitter,” she added, which brought a reluctant smile. “You want some hot chocolate?”

Summer or winter, it was their standard nighttime comfort food, like the baked ziti had been earlier. “Sure,” he said.

They didn’t speak again until Jake had taken a few sips of his hot chocolate. “So did he say anything else?” he said, taking a lot of interest in his spoon.

“Not really. The same thing he said to you.”

“Do you believe him?”

“Not yet.”

“So you might?”

“If it means he comes into your life more and does the right thing by you and Benji, then I’ll be happy.”

“Notyourlife?”

“No. Well, except for when he comes to see you.”

---