Page 5 of Memories of the Past

Thomas leaned back on his elbows as he always did and turned his attention to the screen, while tears stung my eyes. I was ready to leave to head back home and put my head in my pillow. When I didn’t lean back and rest against him, he placed his hand on my shoulder and tapped his chest, telling me to relax back on him.

I shook my head; I knew that if I rested my body against his, I would crumble into a million pieces. The hurt I felt was almost too much to bear, so I just sat there staring at the screen, wishing it was over.

“You’re really quiet,” he whispered, his lips grazing my ear as he leaned into me halfway through the movie.

I wanted to lash out at him and tell him he was being selfish, but I didn’t. Instead, I just shrugged. “There really isn’t much to say, now is there.”

Thomas looked at me, hurt in his eyes. “Sure there is. Tell me what you’re thinking, Trin. We always talk about things and work through them together,” he whispered, trying not to disturb the others who were around us.

I stared at the movie screen, biting my tongue, weighing my words before I spoke.

“You can come with me, like I said. I want you to come with me. I want you by my side, forever,” he said, wrapping his arms around me.

The more he spoke, the more upset I became, until I couldn’t take it anymore. “I can’t go with you, Thomas. As a matter of fact, I can’t go with you on our planned trip either. Aunt Vi needs my help this summer. She’s asked me to see if we could hold off until the fall.”

Thomas slowly let me go and looked at the ground, a look of unease on his face.

“She’s done so much for me since Mamma passed away. I couldn’t stand to see her cry this afternoon, so as much as I don’t understand this need you have to go join the rodeo circuit, I also need you to understand that leaving is not something I can do right now.”

“I do understand. I understand completely, but it still doesn’t stop the fact I want you with me. Perhaps you can meet up with me the end of summer or in the fall, if you still want to,” he said, laying back and pulling a brochure from his back pocket.

“What’s that?”

“The schedule. This has every stop we’ll be making, so, when I get to August, I’ll be…” He opened the brochure and quickly ran his finger down the list of city names.

It didn’t matter that I couldn’t go. He was still going to leave me. I swallowed the hard lump that had formed in my throat at his words, ‘if I wanted,’ and placed my hand over his, stopping him. “Thomas, can you just take me home?” I pleaded.

He looked up from the paper he held in his hand and met my eyes, studying them.

“Please, Thomas, take me home.”

He didn’t say anything. He just sat there looking at me until I could no longer meet his eyes. When we finally broke eye contact, he began folding the brochure back up, sliding it into his shirt pocket, then he picked up his drink and the untouched popcorn container without saying a word to me and carried them to the garbage. I didn’t move, and when he returned, he looked down at me. “Well, if you want to go, let’s go.”

* * *

Thomas pulled up to the curb, and I could see out of my peripheral that he turned to look at me. I didn’t turn to meet his eyes. Instead, I sat staring forward, unsure of what was to come next. He pulled the brochure out of his pocket and held it out for me to take. I glanced at the crinkled paper.

“Like I said, I’d like you with me in August. If you want to come, that is.”

There it was again, those words.If I wanted. I swallowed hard and ripped the brochure from him. Then without as much as a good-bye, I climbed out of the truck and watched from the sidewalk as Thomas pulled away from the curb. He never even gave so much as a backward glance. I took in a deep breath, the smell of gardenias in the fresh night air. I prayed that tomorrow would somehow be different, that he’d think twice and come back to me, even though I knew deep down that nothing would change. I turned around and looked at my aunt’s small bookshop, the storefront dark, but the lights in our second-floor apartment were on. I made my way into the side yard and went to the back door, sliding my key into the lock.

I climbed the back stairs up to the apartment and placed my shoes on the small pink mat at the top of the stairs. I glanced into the living room to see Aunt Vi, in her favorite chair, a crossword book in hand as she looked at me over the rim of her glasses.

“Trinity? You’re back early. Goodness, it is barely even nine thirty?”

I nodded, unable to speak because I knew my voice would shake and the tears would fall.

“Is everything okay?” she questioned, setting her book to the side and leaning forward, a concerned look on her face.

Instead of answering her, I threw the brochure down on the floor and made a dash to my room, flopping down on my bed and crying into my pillow. The lump that had been in my throat most of the night was now even bigger than before, and I could barely swallow as I cried.

I felt the bed lower and my aunt’s hand on rest on my back. “It’s okay, Trinity,” she whispered. “What happened?”

How could it be okay? She didn’t even know what had gone on. I swallowed hard and caught my breath, then looked off in the opposite direction. “Thomas is leaving for the rodeo.” I sobbed. “He didn’t even care about what I thought. We're over.”

My aunt was silent while I continued to cry my heart out. After a while, she ran her fingers through my hair, pulling the strands out of my face. “I saw the brochure, Pet,” she whispered. “I’m sorry, Trinity, but I promise you, dear, you are going to be okay. Men don’t think about our feelings.”

I frowned; this wasn’t how this was supposed to be. I remembered how my father treated my mother, and it was nothing like this. Although I was only a little girl then and probably didn’t see it or even know what to look for.

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