Page 27 of Finding Her Panthers

“Babe.” I startled her, making her head jerk to mine. “Are you hungry?”

“No. I can’t eat right now.” She looks so lost right now I can’t help myself. I bring her close. Putting my hand on the back of her head, the other around her waist, I pull her into me, resting my chin on the top of her head.

“Do you trust me?” I ask.

“Yes,” she replies.

“Then trust me, they will be fine. Jax is the strongest Alpha I know. James is tougher than he wants people to believe. He can fight with the best of them. I’m worried too, but it won’t solve anything getting too worked up,” I confess.

“Thank you. I needed that. I’ll try. But no promises.”

“You need them. I understand.”

“I do. But I need you too. Glad you are here with me,” she whispers.

“Good,” I say gruffly.

We stand there just holding each other, hopeful they get home safe.

“I think a shower would be good,” she pulls away. “Now that I have my clothes, it will be nice to have new underwear,” she teases with a small smile.

I drop back my head with a groan. “Really, woman!” By the time I lift my head, she runs up the stairs. I crave her, but I hold my panther back from running after her. She should know better than to run from us. It’s in our nature to chase.

To keep my hands busy, I move to the kitchen. Getting coffee out to brew, I have a feeling it’s going to be a long night.

My whole life, people have labeled me cold, harsh, unfeeling, and second best. I have learned from an early age to push all the complicated feelings deep down inside. I am the baby of the family, the last in line for Alpha. I was not expected to lead. I only am expected to support my older brother, even my middle brother. I have been fighting a fight that no one saw. They didn’t see me.

Jax was taught from the beginning how to lead. I looked up to him in every way. We were constantly following him around, mimicking his actions, his expressions. He humored me. He loved me. He let me play pretend, pretend we both led our pack with honor. Until the day he stopped. The day it became real to him. Don’t get me wrong, he still loved me, but our fathers pushed him to be better, to grow up. To put me in my place as the third brother.

We began to fight, with each other, with James. I was so angry that they couldn’t see the value I brought to our family. I was nothing. I started drinking, partying, staying out late, acting out the only way a teenager could. I was hurt. I didn’t know where I belonged in our world, in our family. I fought with anyone that looked at me wrong. The night I took on a shifter that I had no business being around and punched him in the face for no reason but to be a dick. In return, he gave me the scar that ran down my side.

I committed to going to the gym every day, perhaps to somehow equal Jax in size if not in temperament. They labeled him calm, level-headed, a leader, compassionate, and lovable. So I was determined to be the exact opposite in all ways.

I met a girl at seventeen. She was a coyote and the prettiest thing I had ever seen. We started dating. She said she loved me and wanted just me. She loved my wildness, the scars, the bad boy. She was my first and I hers. We talked about the future, getting married, and moving far away to start our own pack. We were always together, so she met my whole family. They loved her and loved that she could calm my wicked ways. We were not mates, but I didn’t care. Everyone thought it would eventually hit us when we turned eighteen, and we would live happily ever after. I did too. I fell into their dream.

I was so convinced we would be together forever; I went shopping for a ring. I spent an hour picking out the perfect one for her. I worked my ass off doing yard work and construction to get her the best and the biggest I could.

I remember that day vividly, driving home, thinking of our date that night where I would get down on one knee and ask her to be mine in every way. When I pulled up to the house, her car was in the drive. I was surprised because to keep the secret, I told her I had to work that day. That was the worst day of my life, walking into the house, searching for her. Only to find her outside at the pool, naked, leaning over my brother. I could clearly see he was not a willing participant. He always treated her like a sister in a way that wasn’t faked.

He was trying to reason with her, hands splayed in front of his body, talking calmly. “You don’t want to do this, Becca,” he pleaded.

I saw the desperation on his face. They both were too caught up to notice me yet. So I heard her reply that crushed my young heart to bits. “It’s you I want, Jax. We would be so good together. You get to be Alpha, and I get to be Alpha's mate.” She grinned widely at him like it was settled.

Jax’s eyes got round and scared when he noticed me close by—backing up even faster towards me, begging me to see the truth.

I did. I saw every minute of every day we had been together was a lie. She wanted an Alpha. She wanted my calm, level-headed brother. My own brother.

I have always wondered if it would have been easier if she cheated on me with a stranger. Suppose I could have moved on with my life better, faster. My relationship with Jax took another hit that day. Even though he did nothing wrong, he represented everything she wanted, and I did not.

Of course, I kicked her out on her naked ass and wouldn't let her find her clothes. I told her to lose my number and hoped I would never see her again.

That was the day I closed my heart for good. I never wanted to love again. I never wanted a mate. When I learned that we would most likely share a mate one day, I swore I would never share someone with Jax. How could I be sure they would want me, too? When they would have an Alpha. James would keep them entertained and loved to pieces and, Jax would keep them safe and stable. What did I bring?

Over the years, with much pleading and convincing, Jax and I have become something better. We have moved on from the past, and I trust him. Not that I didn’t before, it all stemmed from my insecurities. I was unable to trust myself.

Did I wish for a mate? All the time. More than anything, I desired someone that would see me.

When Harmony found us, the future opened up in front of me. But when she went to Jax first, it just brought the past into the present. My mind was telling me I wasn’t enough, but my heart was rejoicing at the possibility that this stunning creature could be mine.

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