Page 57 of Dirty Love

If he’s really gone, I will kill myself as soon as I’m done with Jasper and I won’t think twice about it.

He thinks he’s below me—that he’s my annoying little shadow or some shit—but he couldn’t be more wrong.

I’m his shadow.

I follow him around and keep him close because I can’t not be around him.

I can’t fucking live without him.

“Nicky,” I growl, banging my fist into his chest, a little harder than I meant to. “I said wake up!”

He chokes on the water in his mouth and I release a broken cry, leaning over him with one hand on the tile next to his shoulder. And then I laugh for some reason, my emotions fighting for control while I wipe my face with the back of my arm. His beautiful eyes open and I help him turn his head to the side, carefully holding it up for him while he throws up all over the floor. He gags and begins shivering uncontrollably, clutching my wrist while he winces like he’s in agony.

“Kade,” he whimpers, but I don’t think he can see me.

“I got you,” I say quietly, my voice cracking as my tears fall down to his face. “I’m here, baby. I got you.”

* * *

Twenty seven minutes.

It took the paramedics twenty seven fucking minutes to get to him, then another eighteen minutes in the locker room, then another nine minutes to carry him out to the ambulance and drive us to the hospital. That was fifty four minutes total since I found him dead, and I spent the next ninety two minutes after that glaring at the old ass bitch of a nurse who said I had to sit in the waiting room with all the other patients’ families.

I didn’t sit.

I paced the floor in front of thirty one other people and fantasized about wrapping my hands around her wrinkled neck, squeezing the life out of her body until her slimy little tongue fell out of her mouth.

Fuck me, I’m going crazy.

Trying and failing to calm myself down, I rest my elbows on the edge of Nicky’s bed and gently hold his knuckles to my lips, once again counting the seconds ticking by while I stare at his sleeping form.

Counting is helping.

Counting things keeps my mind busy, away from the guilt eating away at me and trying to swallow me whole. But even still, every time I look at his swollen face, all I can see is the thick streaks of blood coating the walls, the cold shower raining down on him, the way he would have cried for me while they were beating him black and blue…

God fucking damn it.

My breathing picks up and I smash my fist into my face, hating myself because I should have done better.

I should have realized sooner.

I should have fucking been there for him the way I’ve been promising since we were tiny little kids.

“I’m sorry,” I whisper, slowly taking his hand again to lift it back to my lips. “God, baby, I’m so fucking sorry.”

His eyes remain closed and I grind my teeth together, looking up when the nurse who comes to check on him every thirty minutes walks inside. This one’s younger and a lot hotter than the one from the waiting room, but she’s still a nasty little bitch all the same.

“How long until he wakes up?” I ask again, watching her every move while she checks his blood pressure on the monitor next to his head.

“How long’s a piece of string?” she throws back, flicking the blanket away to look at the stitches on his side.

My nostrils flare and I wait very patiently for her to finish, then I carefully pull it back up to his chest and tuck it back in to keep him warm. “Is he in pain?”

“I’m sure he’s fine, Kade,” she sighs, snatching the clipboard from the end of the bed to write something on it. “He’s got a mild concussion, a little broken nose, a couple fractured ribs and some minor cuts and bruises. There’s no internal bleeding and his vitals are good. It’s really not the end of the world, you know?”

I inhale a long breath and force it out slowly, struggling to fight my father’s temper while I stare at the side of her face. I could stand up and scare the ever loving shit out of her if I wanted to, but I don’t do that. I will not lose my shit in this hospital, because if I lose my shit, they’ll call security to throw me out, and if they throw me out, Nicky won’t have anyone to protect him.

I have to protect him.

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