Page 20 of Dirty Love

He laughs shyly and nods his head, but then his laugh turns into a gag and he drops his face to his hands, hiding from me again. My heart aches for him and I move in to stand between his legs, gently taking his wrists to wrap his arms around my neck.

“Talk to me, baby brother,” I whisper, my lips touching the spot between his eyebrows. “I can’t fix it for you if you don’t tell me what’s wrong.”

“You can’t…” he trails off, still shaking like a leaf, shivering like he’s cold. “I mean I can’t… because… fuck.”

I frown and run my hands over his upper arms, then around to his back to keep him warm. “Nicky?”

“You’ll never leave me, right?” he asks randomly, lifting his bright gray eyes up to mine. “You promised, remember? You said—”

“I know what I said,” I cut in, quickly glancing at the door before looking back to him. “And I won’t. It’s me and you no matter what, you know that. So quit playin’ with me and just tell me what you did, okay?”

“I didn’t do anything,” he mutters, scooting closer to me, reaching up to lock his arms around my head. “It’s not like that, I just… I can hear you fucking her through the wall and it’s—” He gags again, almost like it’s physically impossible for him to get the words out. “Shit, there’s something wrong with me, man. My head’s all messed up and I think… I think…”

Oh, fuck.

“Wait, Nicky, please, don’t say i—”

“I think I’m gay.”

Silence.

It stretches between us and then I’m moving, dragging him out to his bedroom by his forearm, tossing him down on the bed to pace the floor in front of him.

“Fuck,” I growl, angrily ripping my hands through my hair. “Fuck, Nicky, why would you say that? Out loud when you know Arianna’s right fucking there on the other side of that wall. Are you out of your mind?”

“I’m sorry,” he chokes out, lifting his heels up to hug his knees, rocking himself back and forth the way he used to when he was little. “I know it’s bad but I can’t help it, Kade. I’ve tried and tried to like girls but I can’t stop thinking about boys. Ones who’ll hold me down and fuck me the way you fuck her. It’s driving me crazy.”

Jesus Christ.

“I’m sorry,” he says again, wincing when he catches the look on my face. “Do you hate me?”

I glare at that, making him frown, but then it hits him and he releases the breath he was holding, dropping his head to rest it on his forearms over his knees.

He knows I could never hate him, gay or not, no matter what, I’ll love him until the day I die.

“Dad, though…” he mumbles, peeking up at me when I say nothing. “He’s gonna kill me, isn’t he?”

“No.”

“Kade—”

“I said no,” I bite out, leaning over him to take his jaw between my fingers. “He won’t kill you because you won’t tell him. I don’t care how desperate you get or how badly you need to be fucked. You won’t tell anyone about this, you hear me? No one but me.”

He nods the best he can with his face trapped in my grip, scooting back a bit to make room for me.

“No one but me, Nicky,” I repeat, kneeling up on the bed to stalk towards him on my knees. “Say it.”

“No one but you,” he whispers, fear gone and replaced with something I’d rather not think about.

Releasing his jaw, I lie down beside him and wrap my arm around his waist, grabbing the blanket to pull it over the both of us. He fidgets a little bit and then rests his head on my shoulder, chewing the inside of his cheek as he walks two fingers over my chest.

I’ve known about him for a while now, noticed the way he’s never given a fuck about girls or pussy, seen the way he stares at my abs or my dick when he thinks I’m not looking, but I’d always hoped he wouldn’t figure it out before we leave next summer.

Or ever.

That might make me a selfish piece of shit, but I’ve seen first hand what happens to gay guys in this town and I’m fucking terrified someone’ll try to do the same thing to Nicky.

That constant fear of him getting hurt, whether it be here or someplace else… it’s the bitch that keeps me up at night.

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