Page 131 of Haze of Obedience
She does, and I show her how the safety locks and unlocks. "Tomorrow, in the light, I'll show you how to hold it and aim." I put the safety back on and set it aside.
She turns the light off, and I pull her closer.
"You haven't held a gun before, have you?"
"No."
My military commander's voice is in my head. He said it in Bootcamp, and I didn't fully believe him until I was in battle, and it proved to be true.
"If you start to kill someone, whether it's with a gun or your bare hands, there's a moment you have an opportunity to hesitate. Whoever hesitates dies."
She shudders, and my blood pounds in my ears.
I don't want this for her. She's already been through several lifetimes of horror. But I understand her need to learn how to defend herself.
I continue in a low voice. "The moment it's clear there's no other way, you don't stop and think. When it's over, that's when the demons catch up."
"But they are bad people. I wouldn't have remorse."
I kiss her and hold her head. "I know you, my Little Diva. You are strong enough to do it, but you'll have new demons to deal with. You need to be prepared. Once the act is done, you can't stay and hang about. You have to remove yourself from the situation and not break down. And the nightmares that follow—"
"Won't be any worse than the ones I have now."
I roll over, so I'm hovering over her body. "You have nightmares?"
She nods. "I haven't since I've been with you, but I...I relive things. Since I stopped using cocaine, I have them all the time. There's no way to hide from them anymore."
My heart breaks, staring into my beautiful Little Diva's eyes, seeing the pain she suffers. I know the ghosts that can steal your sleep and consume your nights. I understand how real they can make your previous experiences feel over and over. But I don't know what to do to prevent them, so I do the only thing I know how. I kiss her and continue to make her mine.
Our bodies become one, limbs entwined, and the need for each other as potent as ever. When we've climaxed and caught our breath, I stroke her head until she falls asleep. And that's when my new demons catch up with me.
What if she's right and they find us, and I can't protect her?
It nags at me all night, burning in my veins. And the answer becomes clear. There is only one option. As much as I don't want to admit it, I must prepare her for the worst and have faith she won’t ever have to put anything I show her into practice.
But the voice in my head, and the twisting in my gut won’t stop. Danger is something I know. It’s a part of my life. I feel it getting closer. But I don’t know what it looks like or how it’s coming at us, and that makes me really uncomfortable.
