Page 66 of Still Here Without You

Del

When I’m done, I block his phone number too, instantly feeling like a weight has lifted, my heart breaking at the same time. While that may have been therapeutic, it’s not lost on me that I couldn’t even write the whole truth. That even when it’s just for me, putting it on paper makes it all the more real, something I’m not quite ready to face. Either way, I feel better than I did fifteen minutes ago, so with that over, I text Leah.

Delilah: You are a godsend

Leah: I know. But why specifically?

Delilah: I just sent an email to Joel. Said my piece and I feel better. Lighter

Leah: Good for you. Is it too soon to invite you out for a drink?

I smile because it sounds like she’s asking me on a date, when in reality she’s just hesitant that I’m still not ready. The fact that I’m smiling answers her question for me.

Delilah: I’d love to

Leah: Yes!

I’ve just put my phone away when I hear Rhys call from his office, “Yes! Party,” and I know instantly that Leah’s texted him too. While I’m not healed by any means, this feels like a good start, and that’s all I can ask for right now. No matter what happens, staying away from Joel is the best option for both of us.

Chapter Twenty-Four

Joel

Iruntheclothover the fender of my bike and sigh. It’s the third time I’ve cleaned her this week. It’s a distraction—one that only works for the present moment. As soon as she’s shining bright, and I’ve covered her up, I’m back to thinking about the chaos that is my life. Every week takes me a step closer to being a father.A dad!Something I still haven’t told anyone about. There’s a spark of excitement when I think about it, but it’s laced with sadness and concern. Sadness that I don’t have Del in my life right now to talk all this through with and concern about all the things that could go wrong. Maybe once I see the little jelly bean at our appointment this week, everything will change. Rach has actually been amazing. She could be mad at me for keeping it a secret, but she says she gets it. Her family knows, and the cheer coach, but otherwise, she’s kept it quiet, waiting so we can share it all at the same time.

Walking in the front door, I’m immediately accosted by Dylan as he pushes me back out into the heat. “We’re going out. I’m sick of you moping.”

“I’m not moping.”I’m definitely moping. I can’t get out of my head.

“Bullshit. You haven’t stopped frowning since…” He was going to say since the night I slept with someone else. But he’s wrong. I was okay after that; it’s what came next that killed me.

“I’m just not in the mood—”

“We’re going!”Fuck!

“All right, all right. At least let me get changed.”

I don’t wait for an answer before making my way to my room. As soon as I enter, my eyes find the laptop open on my desk, the real reason I need a distraction. I’ve got far too much to do at the moment, and more seems to keep being added to my stress pile. Two things specifically have my stomach in knots.Fuck this, I’m not going out. I've got shit to deal with.I fall back onto the bed with a sigh. I can vaguely hear whispered voices down the hallway, but I ignore it. I can’t deal right now. Humming to the latest Harry Styles hit, I jump when my door creaks open, and Rachel enters my room. She has a solemn look on her face with watery eyes. I immediately go into panic mode.

“What’s happened? Is the baby okay? Are you?” I know we're almost at the supposed safe zone but things could still go wrong. This is what’s keeping me up at night. What if it’s my fault?

I drop to my knees in front of her so I’m eye level with her stomach, but stop short of touching her. It hasn’t escaped me that this is the first time I’ve done this, only now that I think something’s wrong. I should have been bonding with it as soon as I found out. This is my baby. The little munchkin growing inside her is my own flesh and blood. My heart rate picks up as a million thoughts race around in my head. I wonder who he’ll look like? Who he’ll be like? Will he be… I’m calling it a he now? God, it/he/she/they better be okay. Looking up into Rachel’s eyes, my heart stops at the sadness I see reflected back at me. “Get up. Joel, please get up.” Her voice wavers as she speaks, tearing at my heart.

“I’m sorry, I haven’t been talking to it, reading to it, helping you more. Please tell me it’s okay.”

“Get up,” she begs, rubbing at the tears that have started to fall. I do as she asked, taking a step away from her as she falls onto my desk chair and covers her face in her hands.

“I’m so sorry.”Fuck! My eyes fill with unshed tears as I prepare myself for the worst.

“She’s not yours.”

She? It’s a girl. How does she know already? Wait, what?

I bend down until we’re eye level, my heart beating out of my chest. “What do you mean?”

Refusing to meet my stare, Rachel picks at her nails as she speaks. “I knew the baby was either yours or another guy’s. You were the better option, so I chose you…hoping I’d be right.”

“Are you fucking kidding?” I seethe, but she ignores me.

---