Page 65 of Still Here Without You

Forcing a smile, I look up from staring at my desk in a daze. “Who?” I ask, hoping he’s talking about a client and not Joel.

“Joel.”Dammit.

“Why would I text him?”

“Because I think you have things you’re bottling up, that youneedto get rid of. It’ll help.”

Did that really just come out of his mouth? “You’re probably right, but…”

“You’re wondering when I became so observant? I didn’t; it was all Leah. She asked me to pass the message along.” He lifts a shoulder and smiles.

“Tell her thanks, I’ll think about it.” I nod before focusing back on my desk, hoping he’ll take the hint.

“What about if you type out the message?” Rhys says, taking a step closer. “That way you get it all off your chest, but no one sees it.”

My eyes shoot up to him because they’re actually wise words. “That’s a great idea. I owe Leah big time.” I smile—the first genuine one I’ve felt in what feels like weeks.

“Hey! That was all me,” Rhys argues.

“Well, call me impressed,” I say with a small laugh.A laugh. I actually laughed. Rhys laughs back until he comes to the same realization, and we both freeze. He tries to hide the smug grin forming, but I see it. “Okay. Yes. You made me smile.”

“And laugh,” he points out. “You laughed.”

“I did. Thank you.” I smile warmly, reaching out to squeeze his hand.

He squeezes me back and grins. “You’re welcome. Now, type that message.”

“I will. Thanks.”

As soon as he walks away, I pull up my personal emails, click compose, and stare at the flashing cursor. Where do I even begin?

Dear Joel.Delete

Hi Joelle. Delete

Hey. Delete

Joel. Yep, that works.

Joel,

I’m sorry. I’m sorry for leaving, I’m sorry for the things that happened between us, and I’m sorry for telling you I was okay when I’m not. I’m hurting. More than I ever thought was possible when I first fell in love with you. I want you to know that while not all of my pain was caused by you, we still can’t be together. I need to focus on my internship right now, and you need to focus on becoming a dad. I wish you every bit of happiness but think it’s best if we just move on, separately.

Take care, Joel.

Goodbye.

Wow. Leah was right. It may not fix things, but I do feel a little better having formalized my thoughts. My chest doesn’t feel as tight. In fact, I think I need to do more. I press send and then block Joel’s email address before pulling up a blank screen to compose a new message. The one I’d really like to send.

Joel,

Fuck, I’m hurting. I’m hurting so bad that I don’t even want to be here, but I don’t want to go home either. Your timing sucked. Really bad. And it broke me. I’m in such a dark place that I can’t even think about the situation without breaking all over again. A little part of me knows I can’t be this upset. We weren’t together. You didn’t cheat. But she was my best friend, and she’s pregnant, and I can’t…I can’t be with you. I can’t be on the sidelines watching you. It’s not fair for either of us. You’re going to be a father, and I… I can no longer be part of your life.

I want to hate you. God, I wish I could hate you. But I can’t get how much I loved you out of my head. If you ever loved me as much as you say you did, please make it go away. Make me hate you. Ineedthat.

I love you, Joel. I think I’ll always love you. But the pain…it hurts too much for me to ever be with you.

So this is me, saying goodbye.

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