Page 134 of Begin Again Again

“But what if it gets worse?” Sal asked in a small voice.

“Then at least you’ll be free!”

Their green eyes widened, and Beth panicked that she’d pushed too far. “Sorry, I don’t want to tell you my way is the only way, but what you’re doing now isn’t working. And I know this sounds dramatic, but it works. When my mum kicked me out…”

Beth could still see it so clearly in her mind’s eye, her mother pacing up the hall screaming about how embarrassed she was. How she never wanted to see her again. She remembered crying so hard her throat hurt, saying sorry even though she wasn’t sure what she was apologising for. Talking about sex? Having sex? Not informing her mother of either until she found out from someone else?

Beth stared at Sal. Had they begged for forgiveness when their mother smashed their ring light? Had Mrs Thomas told herself she was doing it out of righteous disgust? That it was fine to smash someone’s shit and throw them out of the house as long as they were your daughter?

“What happened?” Sal urged. “Did you go back? Do you still talk to your family?”

“Sometimes,” Beth said. “But, Sal,you’re not the problem. It’s not wrong to want your parents to like you or support you or let you be sexual or creative.”

A tear ran down Sal’s cheek and some of the fire in Beth’s heart blew out. “Can I hug you?”

“Um, yes please?”

Beth practically ran around the bar and hugged Sal to her chest. They began to cry in earnest, proper howling sobs. “I just… I wish…”

Beth stroked their hair. “Go on.”

“I wish everything could be okay. Mum hasn’t said she loves me since I came out, and I say it all the time and she ignores me and it’s just so...” They gave a racking snort. “I knew they wouldn’t get it, but I can’t believe…”

They would do that, Beth thought dully. If she ever met Mrs Thomas, she’d have to do some serious cognitive dissonance not to tell her to get fucked. She understood some of the squeamishness around OnlyFans—she’d felt it herself.You’re better than that, Sal! You’ll embarrass your brother! You’ll regret it when you’re older. Sex is private!But that was all ego. All bullshit. Sal was real and sweet and that mattered more.

“I feel wrong,” Sal sobbed. “Sometimes I wish I could take it all away.”

Beth pulled back and looked them right in the eyes. “You’re allowed to be sexual. It’sgoodto be sexual if that’s the way you feel! It’s a pretty important instinct!”

“But—”

“No. You’re allowed to be sexual. That’s yours. No one can take it away. Not even the people that helped make you. That just makes it ironic.”

Sal snorted into Beth’s t-shirt and then they were both crying. Rocking back and forth. Beth’s phone buzzed and she ignored it, praying Byron was still ages away. She and Sal held each other until Sal started to shift like a restless puppy. A few seconds later they pulled away. “Thanks.”

Beth wiped her eyes. “Anytime.”

Sal’s gaze returned to the bar and Beth forcibly held her tongue. She wanted to recommend books, podcasts, Instagram accounts. She wanted to keep going, but she also remembered how long and frustrating the start of her journey had been. She couldn’t speed up Sal’s healing process or shove them down her old path. Sal would have to find their own way or come asking when the time was right.

Sal finished their half-Fashioned. “So… what now?”

“Now we do what you said.” Beth walked to her laptop. “I’ll email you the link to the housesitting website. Do you have anything on tomorrow? We could meet up and sort out your references?”

“Seriously? Thank you so fucking much.”

“Anytime. I’m just paying it forward. And if me and my friend Dolly ever get our shit together, I’ll have you on the podcast to talk about OnlyFans.”

“I’d love that!”

Beth spotted the email Caroline sent for the new departmental job. She exited out of it and opened the housesitting website. “What’s your email?”

Ten minutes and a big glass of water later, Sal was back behind the wheel of Klaus’ Astra.

“Thank you,” they called from the driver’s side window. “I’m so glad you and Byron are together!”

“So am I.” As she watched Sal drive away, pressure rolled off Beth’s chest. Byron wasn’t here yet. All was well. Then her phone vibrated.

Wondering if it was a full moon or something, Beth pulled it out. It was Mrs J.

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