Page 78 of Degrees of Control

“Just say it.”

Anger flared in his sister’s eyes. “Yeah, you were a self-absorbed shithead. That what you want to hear? Every other day you were gettin’ in a fight, crashing your car or making girls cry on the front lawn. You had your head up your ass and everyone knew it.”

“Did you hate me?”

“A little. No matter how bad you fucked up, everyone was always trippin’ over themselves to bail you out. You could throw a fucking ball and you were prettier than I was so you got away with everything. It was kinda fuckin’ unfair.”

There was no resentment in Kelsey’s voice. Any real anger she had at being saddled with such an inadequate family had long since gone stale. She had her own family now, her own life.

James looked down at his hands. “I’m sorry.”

She sighed again. “Jamie, what the fuck’s happened?”

“I met a girl.”

“An’ it’s not workin’ out, I take it?”

“Nope.”

“What does that have to do with us being kids?”

James stared out into the night air. There was a tree in the distance that looked like a squirrel.

Kelsey put a hand on his shoulder. “Jamie, talk.”

He swallowed, his abused throat clacking loudly. “I don’t think I’m ever gonna be normal enough to be a good boyfriend. Or husband. Or dad. You said it, I’m an asshole and I don’t know how to stop being an asshole. I’m probably gonna die a lonely, fucked-up alcoholic. Or that prick that gets divorced ten times and all his kids hate him.”

Kelsey brought her beer bottle to her temple as though needing the coolness to soak into her brain. “This about what happened when you were fourteen?”

James looked away. On some level hehadcome here to Kelsey’s house to talk about this, but he wasn’t ready. He wasn’t ever ready.

“I ought to have punched that bitch in the mouth,” Kelsey said, as though commenting on the weather.

“What would that have done?”

“Maybe it would have shown you that what happened wasn’t fair an’ someone was willing to do something about it. Maybe you wouldn’t be a thirty-year-old man who still acts like a fuckin’ kid.”

James felt anger boil up inside him like acid. “Yeah, well that shit with Meghan was sixteen fuckin’ years ago. It’s over. It’s done.”

Kelsey didn’t respond, just looked out over the hills and waited for him to calm down, like she always did. When he spoke again, his voice cracked. “She knew, Kelsey, this girl knew there was something fucked-up about me. She could feel it.”

When his sister turned to look at him, her eyes were soft. “Tell me what happened.”

He leaned back in his chair, feeling so incredibly weary. “Charlotte came looking for me at a party at Sophia’s house. She wanted a rebound. Sophia set it up.”

Kelsey snorted. “I’ll bet. That girl is a control freak and a half.”

Somehow, James managed to smile. “Anyway, I liked the girl so we kept things going. It was casual, but she just had this way of…pulling me in somehow. She was all I could think about, even when we weren’t fuckin’ all over the place—” James realized who he was talking to. “Shit, sorry.”

Kelsey held up a palm. “Don’t care. Keep going.”

“I messed up a few times, pushed her away when I felt her getting too close, but it never seemed to bother her. Even when I was an asshole she always seemed totrust me. Not just with her body, more like…I don’t know…”

“Like she actually liked being around you?”

“Yeah.” James ducked his head, a little embarrassed. “I really fucking liked being around her, too but everything was coming to a head, and then she asked me if I wanted to make it official, I couldn’t…I just…”

“Backed away like a pussy?”

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