Page 79 of Degrees of Control

James winced. When he was doing the backing away it had felt admirable, smart. But that was bullshit. “Pretty much. When I finally found the guts to tell her how I felt, she turned around and told me I couldn’t give her what she needed.”

“What, like money?” Kelsey asked, her forehead wrinkling.

“Naw, the opposite of that. This girl doesn’t give a shit about money.” He smiled in spite of himself. “This girl, Kels…she’s the last thing I’d ever have seen coming. She’s a yoga teacher and she’s tiny and a vegan and she doesn’t drink…”

Kelsey’s blonde eyebrows disappeared underneath her fringe but she didn’t say anything.

“Nothing about me and her makes sense but I was so drawn in by her from day one. It was like I tuned into a radio station I’d never heard of and all it did was play my favorite songs in a row…” James shook his head at his own soppy metaphor. “Anyway, last time we saw each other she told me I wasn’t ready to be a boyfriend.”

Kelsey frowned. “What d’you mean?”

“She said I didn’t really care about anything.”

“You mean other than pussy and beer? She’s got you there, Jim.” Kelsey laughed and even though it was at his expense, James found he didn’t mind so much. “I don’t want to be that guy anymore. I’m thirty and that’s all people think I am, some rich kid with a drinking problem, and no matter how much time goes by, I can’t stop. I think it’s the Meghan thing. I just can’t bury it, it follows me around. Charlotte could tell. She knew I was hiding something.”

Kelsey sighed. “Jamie, is it possible this girl doesn’t care about your past, that maybe she cares that you’ve been acting like a withholding, no-account asshole?”

“Jesus, tell me how you really feel.”

“I am. I’m tired of watching you drift around pretending you don’t give a fuck, and clearly this girl is, too.”

James ran a hand through his hair. “I just don’t get it, I mean, yeah, the last couple years, working for Dad has been boring as shit and I don’t really have relationships, but that’s notweird. Most people do that.”

Kelsey let out a humorless laugh. “Most people are pretty unhappy, James, and they’re content not doing a thing about it. Sounds like your girl holds herself to a higher standard. Can’t blame her for expecting you to do the same.”

“I just…I never thought…Dadwantedme to come work with him.”

“Jamie, our daddy’s a drunk, small-minded asshole. It’s no surprise once you were done playing ball and paradin’ around in your underwear, he made you an offer you couldn’t refuse. He’s never thought you were capable of anything more, and neither have you. You can’t blame yourself for getting sucked into his bullshit. But you can be blamed for staying and you can be blamed for not trying to sort out your head after what that bitch did to you.”

Debbie’s plump face appeared in the window, her usually warm expression strained. “Kelly, I’m pleased as anything you two are talking, but can you keep the cussing to a minimum? Izzy’s taking a bath and she can hear every darn word.”

Kelsey straightened up in her chair, looking guilty. “Sorry, darlin’.”

James smiled to himself.

“Anyway, where were we?” Kelsey muttered. “Oh yeah, Meghan. If you think you’re still…upsetup about that night, you need to talk to someone. Like a professional.”

James grimaced. “Maybe…but it’s not just about Meghan anymore. When I’m around Charlotte and she’s askin’ me what’s wrong it’s like she’s poking inside my head. I just can’t handle it.”

“Yeah, well, you’re all gummed up inside. Your girl realized that and got spooked. No well-adjusted person wants their lover dumping all their shit on them.”

“So what do I do?”

“You try to change. Get a job you actually like, save drinking for special occasions, try a bit harder. Show this girl what you have together isn’t just a fucked-up guy latching onto whoever he thinks might help him.”

James clutched his head. “Jesus Christ, is that what I am?”

“Not yet. You just gotta make sure you don’t end up that way.”

“Is that even possible?”

“It’s better than your current plan—drinking yourself blind and whining to your dyke sister.”

James laughed. “Fine, I’ll try to change. Nothing can suck worse than this anyway.”

Kelsey stared at him. “You really love this girl?”

He nodded, throat tight.

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