Page 106 of Degrees of Control

A real girl, he thought, though he couldn’t tell himself what that actually meant.

Eventually he ran out of Charlotte photos but he kept scanning through the bowels of his library. There were less than a dozen images there and they were mostly blurry snaps from drunken nights out. With a jolt, he recognised acquaintances he hadn’t thought of in years and women he barely remembered sleeping with. The pictures were like ghosts, calling to mind long rambling nights spent looking for something,anythingthat was more fun than what he was already doing. That had been his life, trying to desperately wring pleasure out of a world that could give him, like the song said, no satisfaction. Without Charlotte, he’d go back to that life. What else was there? Running his own garage? Building a house for his imaginary kids? What a bunch of bullshit.

In spite of his exhaustion, he was up with the sun the next day. He showered, brushed his teeth and put on the change of clothes he’d brought in his overnight bag. Kelsey looked neither pleased nor disappointed when he went into the kitchen to help her with breakfast. She also made no comment on his drunken appearance the night before or why he’d shown up a week earlier than arranged. That wasn’t surprising. She was a Hunter and they learned young that talking your feelings was for foreigners and socialists.

His niece and nephew almost split his ears with their excited screaming, but he was happy to see them. That was mostly because they were too young to know Uncle Jamie was a hungover fuckup. He ignored them when they asked after Charlotte and demanded to be shown all the toys they got for Christmas. That kept them off his back for a solid hour and then they went outside to milk the goat and feed the chickens. Despite his throbbing head, James was happy to be with them. He’d always liked kids, their energy and their filterless way of talking. He and Charlotte had discussed babies, in the quiet hours spent in bed after making love. They both liked the idea but had never got around to a timeline. Maybe that was for the best. Like making her his wife, the promise of Charlotte carrying his children would remain his own private fantasy. The reality of swirling himself with her and putting her through all that pain on his behalf was completely unreasonable.

Around mid-morning, Kelsey started shooting him dirty‘the fuck are you doing’looks. James ignored her as he, Isabella and Angus played Monopoly. As the sun rose even higher, he started getting messages. His heart pulsed every time his phone did, but it was never Charlotte, or even news of Charlotte. It was old friends wanting to catch up or insisting he go south of the Mason-Dixon seeing as he’d flown all the way to the continental US. He gave stock responses about work and not having enough time, while in his mind he saw Charlotte standing in the bathroom, her eyes full of tears. She hadn’t understood what he was trying to do then, but give her a day with Sophia and she’d see the truth. His cousin would make sure of that.

He and the kids went back outside and he watched them ride their horses, proud and aching at once. When they returned to the house, hungry and sweaty, James noticed Kelsey on the porch with a beer in her hand. His guts went tight. He was on the verge of suggesting to the kids they go out for ice cream when Debbie appeared and whisked them away for a play date James was sure had been planned fifteen minutes ago.

Sure enough, as soon as Debbie and the kids were out of sight, Kelsey beckoned him over to her porch in the way that meant refusal would see him head-first in a commode. He sat beside his sister and waited for her to talk.

A few minutes passed and then Kelsey shook her head. “You want me to make the first move, don’t you?”

James shrugged and Kelsey punched him in the shoulder.

“Ow!” he said, rubbing his arm.

“Oh fuck you. What the fuck is happening? Where’s Charlotte? What are you doin’ here?”

“Nothing! Seein’ the kids!”

Kelsey raised her fist.

“Okay fine,” James said, holding up his hands. “She’s at Sophia’s, we had a fight and we’re probably gonna end things.”

Kelsey sighed and kicked open her cooler. “Grab a beer.”

He touched his still tender skull. “I dunno, maybe I shouldn’t—”

“You really wanna have this conversation sober?”

“Good point.” James took a can of Millers, cracked it and took a gulp. He’d half-forgotten the taste of American domestic light beer, or to call it by its proper name—pisswater. It wasn’t bad, though. It tasted like high school.

“Jamie,” his sister’s voice was sharp. “I won’t ask again. What’s happening? You scared the hell out of Debbie last night and I want some fuckin’ answers. Last time we spoke you and Charlotte were doin’ fine. How did this all go tits up?”

James wondered if the sole reason Debbie had taken the kids away was so that Kelsey could swear as much she liked while they had this conversation. “I have to end things with Charlotte.”

Kelsey didn’t as much as blink. “What’d you fuck up?”

It was good to not have to pretend as though it wasn’t his fault. “I’m not good enough for her. Can’t give her what she needs and…” He shook his head. “It’ll never work, Kels. Never.”

There was a pause. James watched the breeze rustle Debbie’s rose bushes and wondered where Charlotte was. Was she with Sophia and the rest of her friends,or had Pea Coat made the play he was so clearly trying to make at the night before? Maybe he’d comforted his girl, held her in his arms and made promises about his ability to bring calm and permanence into her life. Maybe they were in bed together. The thought tore at his insides.

Kelsey blew out a long breath. “Let me get this straight. Comin’ on four years ago you sat on this porch and told me you’d fallen for Charlotte but you didn’t know how to be the man she deserved.”

“Yeah.” At the time, James hadn’t thought he could possibly feel worse, but that had proven itself bullshit.

“…and then Charlotte took you back, you promised to pull your head out of your ass and you moved to Australia to see if you could be a better man.”

James snorted. “Yeah, and didn’t that just turn out great for everyone?”

His sister glared at him. “Well fuck you for makin’ me say this out loud, but you did figure it out. You took responsibility for your shit, saw a shrink, stopped fuckin’ around with your money, you got a job doin’ something you actually like—”

“But—”

Kelsey socked him in the shoulder again. “Don’t interrupt. You moved across the world to be with Charlotte and judging by what Debbie’s always showin’ me on Instagram, you have plenty of good in your lives.”

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