Page 107 of Degrees of Control

James squirmed under his sister’s unblinking gaze. “So?”

“So what the fuck, Jamie? Why you sittin’ on my porch again sayin’ you’re not the man Charlotte deserves? Thought we got that shit sorted back before the orange asshole was president.”

“We did. I did.” He swallowed. “I thought I did.”

“So what changed?”

Knowing it would be easier to show than tell the whole sorry story, James reached into his pocket and pulled out the ring. Before the party at Sophia’s,he’d slipped it into his shirt pocket, thinking maybe he’d propose at midnight. Instead, he’d gotten drunk and jealous and fucked Charlotte from behind while her face was pressed into a bathmat.

For the first time,a little clarity came over his insatiable urge to take her while she pretended she was Pea Coat’s girlfriend—he’d become so used to exorcising his jealousy demons through sex, fucking Charlotte and imagining the other guy being humiliated by it, that he’d drunkenly tried to include her. That fantasy had been way too intense for both of them and he should have fucking known that. He closed his eyes, letting his asshole behaviour wash over him like a wave of puke.

“Huh.” Kelsey plucked the ring from his fingers. “Two carats?”

“Yeah. Princess cut. Been carrying it around since October.”

Kelsey whistled.

“Fuckin’ tell me about it.”

He opened his eyes to see her holding the ring up to the light, then she looked at him. “Firstly, congratulations. About time you got your shit together and proposed. Secondly, how is this a problem? She say no?”

James scowled. “Course she didn’t. I’m not here drinkin’ a fifth and tellin’ you to take my shoelaces and belt so I don’t do anything stupid, am I?”

“Then what’s your problem? Why haven’t you given it to her?”

He looked away, out to the fields that couldn’t judge him. “I don’t know.”

“But—

“I just can’t ask the fuckin’ question, okay?” His face grew hot. “I just can’t ask.”

“What question? ‘Will you marry me?’”

James nodded.

Kelsey looked as though she was trying very hard not to laugh. “Buddy, that’s just nerve—”

“Don’tfuckin’ tell me it’s nerves.” James’ glared at his sister. “I’vebeennervous, this is nothin’ like I’ve ever felt before. I even think about asking the question and I get dizzy, feel like I’m gonna puke. My throat closes up and I feel like I’m gonna fuckin’ die.”

“Why?”

“I don’t know.”

Silence fell between them again. James filled it by finishing his can as quickly as he could and helping himself to another. Kelsey looked out at her fields, her stables. The kids’ horses Sonic and Organa snuffled at the thick sweet grass and with the sunshine and bird song it all made for one pretty picture. This was Kelsey’s life, sweet and ordered and she was probably holding her breath for him to leave it again. James waited for her to tell him he was a colossal fuck-up, an egotistical asshole and a prick, but when she spoke, her voice was soft. “Is it mom and dad? Because if you’re worried you’re gonna end up like them, don’t be.”

James took another long drink from his beer. “It’s not that. I know they’re the fucking worst but you’re married and so’s Matthew and Sarah and…”

“Will?” Kelsey suggested.

James hated himself for the involuntary shudder that rippled through his skin at the mention of his oldest brother. The memories he tried to keep at bay always rose when he heard that name, so fresh that it made his chest ache. William Robert Hunter in his football uniform, holding the hand of the prettiest girl James had ever seen. Will the prom king, Will the Harvard graduate who made their daddy so proud. He had seemed like a god when James was growing up, sometimes benevolent, sometimes cruel but always impressive, always worthy of admiration. When he was a kid there was nothing James liked more than driving around with Will. His brother would stick his head into his room and say, “Get your shoes on, Jimmy-Boy. We’re blowing this place.”

But then Meghan happened and the party happened and then there were no more rides in Big Will’s car. For years, James forced those memories down, forgot that Will used to be his personal Sun King. He took the insults and the mistrust and told himself it was the way it had always been.

The memories, and more superficially, the feelings that came with those memories, stayed buried for fifteen years. Then Charlotte came along and he had to use his useless tin can of a heart to feel again and found the flowers of his childhood blooming, telling him why he was trash, why he’d never loved anyone before, why the asshole slime monster in his head called him Jimmy-Boy.

But I did my fucking time,James thought as he shook with anger.I saw a fucking shrink and I did my time. Why doesn’t it go the fuck away? Why does it hurt more now?

“Jamie,” Kelsey’s voice was even softer than before. “If this is about Will, then maybe you need to—”

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