Page 156 of Ashes of Sin and Stardust

“Hey, exhale. Come on. You’re going to pass out.” A sharp burst of something, not pain, but something jarring forced me to cough. I found myself laughing in a weird dysphoria.

A while later, I settled. I wasn’t sure how long it took but I felt calm, and safe. My friends were here, and Reuben had his arms wrapped around me, and I was sipping on some water through a straw, and I felt myself smile and close my eyes.

The only thing on repeat through my mind was the look in his eyes when I’d uttered that word, the way all the tension in the room had evaporated instantly upon my revocation of my consent.

I looked up at him, and he smiled. “You okay?”

“Are you upset with me?”

“Hell no. I’m so fucking proud of you.”

“I’m mad at you.”

“Why?” He looked down at me in horror.

“You didn’t let me come!”

He burst out laughing and hugged me tighter, squeezing my ribs so it was almost painful to breathe. I caught a glimpse of a joyous light in his eye a moment before he pressed my face into his chest, and it seared itself into my memory. My eyes fell shut and I melted into him, only halfway aware of the world.

“Was I screaming?” Iwhispered.

“Well... yeah, for a while there.”

“Am I still screaming?”

“No. You’re good. Are your ears ringing?”

“Yeah, a little.”

His hands cupped my ears and kissed my forehead. I lifted my face to his.

“How come you never kiss me?”

“I kiss you all the time!”

“No you don’t. You haven’t kissed me since last Friday!”

“I’m sorry,” he whispered. “Let’s fix that.”

“You okay, Sprite?”

I jerked in Reuben’s arms and looked up at Simon. He had a soft smile on his face.

“Yeah, I’m good, I think,” I said. “I’m kinda hungry.”

Reuben was running his fingers through my hair. “Do you want to talk about this now? Here? Or do you want to wait?”

“Um... we can talk.”

We were in a different room now, sitting on a couch. I was still wrapped up in Reuben’s arms, and he was holding me snug against his chest. He was so warm and snuggly, like a teddy bear. It made me feel all fuzzy inside.

“You seemed in and out of the scene,” Simon said. “How much do you remember?”

“Um... I remember seeing two things at once. I could see Reuben, but I could also see Woodrow. I was there, but I was here. And I felt safe even though I was scared. And also turned on. Which is really weird.”

“It’s very normal,” Becca said. “What made you decide to safeword?”

I tried to think back to the situation. “I felt like... well, like he said. Our trust was more important than the scene. He needed to know I’d use it if I needed it, and I needed to know I could. I feel like this was almost... a test run? Does that make sense?”

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