Page 13 of Ashes of Sin and Stardust

Chapter 4

The school year starteda few weeks later and my days got a lot more interesting. With Sophie and Cat’s help, as well as the help of some other new friends in the church, I started a new mentorship program for high schoolers, started a Facebook page for the children’s ministry, and helped Jake and his dad organize an outdoor adventure club for college students.

There were people everywhere and it was always busy. We constantly had new visitors coming in to learn about the programs, get involved, and become members. With my help, the empty rooms in the upstairs floors were very quickly filled or reserved for next year.

It still wasn’t enough.

That was the thing about having a brain as busy as mine. I needed a lot to keep me busy, to keep me occupied and interested, because the minute I got bored... well.

Let’s just say, pain has always been my medicine. But inflicting it on myself? That’s a little more dangerous than letting someone I trust do it for me.

I tried a wooden spoon. I tried borrowing Cat’s TENS unit. I tried a flogger. Ever tried to flog yourself? Yeah,boring!No fun at all.

Sophie caught on to my craziness and confronted me one day. She and Mark had just gotten back from their honeymoon, and I had missed her company. She invited me over to their new cabin to smoke a joint, and I accepted immediately, hoping the weed would chill me out. Although I knew from my limited experience that it usually just made me horny.

But this time, things were different. This time, I didn’t have an outlet. I didn’t have a weekly meeting with my playmate and Dom. This time, the past few weeks had built up inside me with nowhere to go. And I was so tired of hiding all the constant mood swings and emotional shifts I was experiencing that when I smoked that joint, I just started crying, because I didn’t have the energy to hide it anymore.

And oh, my God, it was painful.

That was the worst part about my disorder. Happiness felt like ecstasy, but sadness and depression? It made me want to die.

I escaped when the emotional onslaught started, claiming a stomachache and food poisoning, and ran back to the clubhouse and up to my room, praying nobody would see me. Locking myself in my room and throwing myself on my bed, I cried and screamed until I couldn’t breathe. I couldn’t even get myself to pass out. I was just sad, and hurt, and angry, and depressed, and everything else horrible, and there was nothing to stop it.

I am never smoking again,I told myself. But I also knew I wouldn’t stick to it. And that just made me hate myself more.

I needed something major. Something intense to shock me back to home base. I needed to drain the emotions from my body, through whatever means necessary, until I was an empty shell. Then I would be able to breathe again.

It was Cat that saved my ass that night. She came running up to my room, banging on the door and demanding I let her in, or she was going to get the key from the office and let herself in.

“Go away!”

“Not a chance.”

I didn’t let her in. And she did end up going down to the office to get the master key and she let herself in. She sat with me on the bed and held me and let me cry into her chest like the fucking child that I was, rubbing my back, until I was numb from catharsis.

“Why did you come in here,” I murmured, barely having the energy to speak. “How’d you know?”

She grabbed a tissue from the box by my bedside and handed it to me. I dabbed at my ruined eye makeup. “Because I’m a freak,” she said.

“Me too. What’s your poison?”

---