Page 14 of Ashes of Sin and Stardust

“Sometimes... I get visions.”

“Visions?”

“Yeah. I see things. Dreams, mostly, but I also see other things sometimes. Little flashes and snippets. Like photographs. Happens when people make a decision that may or may not change the trajectory of their lives.”

“What did you see that made you run up here,” I whispered, knowing exactly what she saw.

She hesitated, but finally said, “I saw you trying to take your masochism out on yourself and failing miserably. Why the hell do you evenhavea flogger like that, Alice?”

“Because it feels good,” I snapped at her, trying to pull away from her tight embrace.

“Nope. I’m confiscating it until further notice. And if you don’t stop struggling, Iwilltie you up.”

“Don’t threaten me with a good time,” I said, still struggling.

“Alice, stop. Seriously.”

I growled and squirmed a little more, but she was stronger than me, so I gave up and just let her hold me until the numbness faded away and I felt more like a human.

“Okay, you’re going to drink a full glass of water after that outburst,” she said.

“Yeah right. We both know I don’t drink water.”

“You’ll drink it willingly, or I’ll funnel it down your throat.”

“Not my kink.” But I stood up and filled my tumbler from my sink and forced myself to sip on it until it was empty.

Cat confiscated my studded flogger. She also took my razor, my scissors, my nail clippers, my letter opener, and everything else she could find that was even remotely sharp.

“If you need something, ask for it,” she said softly as she left my room. I refused to answer her. Crying and struggling against her was the emotional release I needed, and now I didn’t need anything, because I felt drained and empty. Now, I just needed to sleep.

After that ordeal,Cat forced me to talk to Lisa and Alex about what was going on, and what I needed. I refused to tell them about my old Dom and the most recent series of events I’d suffered through, because I could tell Lisa was vanilla as hell and I didn’t want to freak her out. But I did tell them about my personality disorders, my mood swings, and my need for mental and emotional release.

Lisa gave me a new cocktail of prescriptions to try. Alex told me if I didn’t speak to Lisa every three days and take my meds daily, she was going to send me to a mental hospital. I had no doubt she was serious, and she would know right away if I was faking my medication. Cat reiterated her comment from before. “If you need help, ask for it. I’m here for you.” But Cat was a mommy-domme, not a sadist, and I didn’t want to be a sympathy-toy. So I just shrugged and went back to my room.

I hated it when my friends held me accountable. Anger bubbled up inside me, and it took all my effort to push it down. Cat’s demand to see Lisa felt like a betrayal of trust. And even though I knew she was my friend, part of me wanted to cut her off.

Privately, when I’d gone back up to my room, Alex spoke to me.

“We do care about you, Alice,” she said. {“You know that. You saved my life, and I consider you a friend. Sophia is an excellent judge of character, and she adores you. You are important to us.”}

“I know, but sometimes I don’tbelieveit. Knowing something and feeling it are two different things.”

“Maybe you could find what you need here,” Alex started, but I cut her off immediately.

“No. No more Doms, no more lifestyle bullshit, no more collars, no morenothing. No way, no ma’am.”

“Alright, well... if you need to take your frustration out on someone...” {“you can use me. Jacob and I do it all the time.”}

I laughed. I’d seen those two wrestle and spar out in the grass when they thought nobody was watching. Alex trained in like four different kinds of martial arts and could hold her own against her three-hundred-pound muscular boyfriend. And part of her weird clairvoyant abilities involved her healing really fast if she got hurt. Maybe I would take it out on her.

But the next time I got overwhelmed and bored, neither Alex nor Jake were around. It was fall break and they were off on some week-long camping trip. Most of the residents were gone on vacation or home for the week, and I was bored out of my mind.

The medicines Lisa had given me reduced some of my anxiety and helped with my ADHD but didn’t help dampen my extreme moods at all. If anything, they just made me tired, which was worse, because I didn’t have the energy to control myself. And after a few more weeks of using every bit of effort I had to control my reactions and emotions, I quit the meds and needed an outlet.

Cat still hadn’t returned my sharps. I briefly debated folding a belt over and beating my thighs, but I knew from experience it just wasn’t the same. Unfortunately, since I had no other way to distract myself from my inevitable volcanic eruption that meant running my mouth to whoever would listen until I forgot about my problems.

That turned out to be annoying Cat and Reuben Weston, who were both sitting outside on the porch drinking whiskey. I ran outside in an almost blind panic, feeling like a total piece of trash for needing attention. A reaction, a facial expression, a comment. Something.Anything. Just to know I wasn’t invisible.

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