Page 337 of Ashes of Sin and Stardust

Without speaking, he pointed to the floor with one finger. I sank from the chair immediately, my teeth chattering and my body going through the worst rush of anger, fear, and numbness I’d felt in a really long time.

“Do. Not. Shout. At. Me.”

I mouthed, “Yes Sir.”

He closed his eyes and took a deep breath, looking away from me, and trying to regain his composure. He finally spoke as he looked back down at me.

“Who do you belong to?”

“I belong to Reuben Weston,” I said, my voice shaking and my knees throbbing from the cold, hard floor.

“Which rules did you break, Alice? Which of the fivemost important rulesdid you break?”

I shook my head, unable to speak, confused. I couldn’t even think.

“Let me explain what you have done. You are my property, and you put yourself at major risk. You put something around your neck that wasn’t designed to go around your neck. Something that could have gotten tighter by accident, something that could have suffocated you. And then youfell asleepwith it on.”

I looked down at my shaking hands, horror dawning on me. He was right, that was extremely dangerous.

My voice felt like a foreign object, or someone else’s voice, as I said, “I’m sorry.”

His hand came under my chin, and he forced me to look at him. Oh God, his eyes were rimmed with red.

“Alice, I came home last night to find you unresponsive in my bed with a ribbon around your neck. Do you have any idea of the heart attack you gave me?I thought you were dead.”

My mouth popped open as he continued. “You didn’t wake up when I took it off. I untied it immediately and tried to wake you up. You were breathing, but you were completely out. You sleep fucking hard anyway, but I couldn’t wake you up and I wasfucking scared.”He held my face in his hands, and I watched his face with despair, horrified that I had scared him so badly.

“Do you understand how dumb that was?” I nodded, and he continued, his voice getting louder. “Do you? Do you understand you could have never woken up?”

“It wasn’t... that tight,” I mumbled, my mouth sour. I felt like I was going to vomit.

“It doesn’t matter, it was a satin ribbon, and it could have gotten tighter if it had been pulled the wrong way! Alice I swear... you can’t do stupid shit like that, you can’t hurt yourself, or risk yourself like that! I will not let you hurt my girl! I love you too much to let you do stupid shit like that!”

He still loved me? The sheer relief was enough to let the tears break through. Maybe if he loved me enough, he wouldn’t release me. I thought I was going to pass out from the fear, the anger, and the humiliation of the whole thing. Pulling my face out of his hands, I curled up on my side on the floor, hugging my arms around his ankle. I couldn’t make myself any lower to the ground, but I felt like I wanted to sink into a hole to the center of the earth.

A long, heavy sigh escaped him, and he reached down and pulled me up by the elbow, picking me up in his arms and carrying me to the couch. I couldn’t stop crying. I hated how safe I felt in his arms, because I was so fucking scared it would be the last time I would ever feel it. I wanted to run out the door and in front of a bus, and probably would have if he hadn’t held me so tight.

“Why in the hell did you think that was a good idea?” His voice was softer now. Maybe he felt bad for me, but I doubted it. He liked it when I cried anyway.

I caught my breath enough to say, “I wanted... to practice... with something... on my neck.”

“Is this because of the collar you found?”

I nodded, unable to speak.

“You were practicing choking yourself so you could wear it?”

I nodded again.

“Oh for fuck’s sake.” He hugged me tighter. “That was stupid, Alice. That was very careless. And you should have talked to me. What’s rule two?”

Be open and honest about my needs and feelings.Fuck. He was right. I didn’t just break one rule, I broke two.

“Please,” I begged, forcing myself to look up at him. “Please, I’ll do anything, please don’t send me away! Punish me, hurt me, never let me come again, I swear, please, just don’t send me away! Sir, please–”

He shook his head at me as if disgusted, and hugged me tighter against him.

It was over. I just knew it. I’d tried so hard, and I’d fallen for him, and now... it was over. I felt the despair course through me, and I braced myself for the words, knowing they would destroy me. Knowing I’d be done for.

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