Page 264 of Ashes of Sin and Stardust

“Like a contained pocket universe?!”

“Uh... sure. If that helps, then that’s fine. Besides, Alice, I told you. I have no problem renegotiating what this looks like for us. If something isn’t working, we change it. And if I have to give up something Iwantfor something youneed...that’s a way I can take care of you.”

She looked guilty but nodded. “Okay. I guess.”

“Just think about it. Maybe we can pick it back up when you’re not spiraling. Now I want you to think about what else makes you feel grounded and in control.”

“Um, coloring. I don’t do it very often, and to be honest, it wasn’t something I thought I liked. But I was just really overwhelmed and stressed one day and I found those coloring books and... they gave me something to focus on, you know? Like I didn’t have to worry about anything else. That was nice.”

I mentally added buying more coloring books for her to my to-do list. One of these days she was going to admit she was a Little, and I was going to be so damn proud of her for it.

“And also, making my videos. I really like making them. It’s like I can control how people see me and what they know about me. They don’t see all the yucky shit and the baggage and the trauma, they only see what I want them to see. I’m not ‘Alice the crazy borderline,’ I’m ‘Alice the cute brat who likes stars.’ And people like my content and I feel good about it.”

“Then I think you should make more videos. I’m not going to give you a number or a requirement, because that goes against you having control over your channel. But I want you to see it as a lifeline.”

“There’s also space. That helps a lot.” She looked past me, over my shoulder. The curtains were pulled back and the night sky was too full of streetlights to see any stars, but she looked out at the sky like she knew what was out there, like she could see them even if nobody else did.

“What about the stars makes you feel in control?”

“Oh, not in control. More like... secure. Like, I know my place.

“See, Sir, I’m just one small human, in a pretty small city, on a tiny planet, in a very tiny solar system, in an extremely tiny galaxy... and the universe is so much bigger than me. It’s so much more real. It follows the rules of math and science while still being some of the most beautiful artwork that was ever created by God.

“And every time I think about that, and see that, it’s like God personally reminding me that I’m small. That there are things out there that are bigger and more important and more complicated than me, more beautiful than me, more terrifying than me, and more terrifying than my fears, and bigger than the feelings I feel, and they matter so much more than I do. And thinking about those things... it just helps me know where I stand in the universe. I know my place when I look at the stars.”

I stared at her in wonder, a slow smile spreading over my face. She looked back at me and jerked her head back in surprise at my expression. “What?”

“And you say you’re not a submissive.” I shook my head and then leaned in, kissing her forehead, and then giving her a gentle bite on her neck. She sighed and let her head fall out of the way, exposing more of her neck to me.

“Alice... I may have gotten this wrong. Again. Maybe you’re so out of control because your head is just too full of all the shit you need to do all day. All the things you have to do, all the emotions you feel, all the decisions you need to make. Maybe you need to turn that brain off. Maybe you don’t need more control... maybe you needless.”

She stared at me in shock as if she was having an epiphany. She couldn’t even answer, just opening her mouth and closing it again, as if trying to reconcile what I was saying. Finally, she gave up, and laid her head back down on my shoulder.

I stroked her hair with one hand, and with the other I let my fingers trail back and forth over the leather of the chastity belt that she’d started wearing without my demand. I knew she’d put it on because she needed to feel my control over her. She felt owned when she wore it, because every time I put it on her, it was to reinforce that she belonged to me. I wondered if she’d come to that conclusion consciously, or if she’d just put it on for comfort.

“Maybe we need to spend more time turning off all those busy, stressful thoughts in that pretty head of yours,” I whispered, softening my voice and letting my hands trail up her back. I felt goosebumps rise on her skin. “Maybe we can try spending a little bit more time coaxing you into trance? Would you like that? Start building up those triggers so that I can give you a word and put you in a better mental headspace when you need me to?”

She nodded against my shoulder, hiding her face from me, but I could feel her smile against my neck.

“Maybe explore trance a little more? That deep, warm, fuzzy place in your head where you’re safe, and nothing hurts, and all you have to do is...float?”

She whimpered and nodded. “Please, Sir?”

“I think someone needs to have their brain melted away a little bit. What do you think, sweetheart?”

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