Page 155 of Ashes of Sin and Stardust

The door flew open and slammed shut a moment later, and I felt a rush of heat– or ice, or numbness, or maybe all of them– run down my whole body, paralyzing me on the mat. I could see Woodrow, in my mind’s eye, walking towards me with intention. Suddenly I was back there, naked, cold, terrified, and completely helpless.

Only it was Reuben who pulled me up under the armpits. The sight of him almost jerked me out of my headspace. It confused me.Why was he here?

“You listen to me, you little whore,” he growled in my face, spit flying and hitting my skin. His eyes flashed and he snarled. “You belong to me now, and the sooner you accept that, the easier it will be for you.”

He leaned forward towards me and I pushed him away on instinct, but he grabbed my wrists with one hand and my neck with the other and pressed my back into the wall, lifting me up off the ground. My feet hung limply under me, and I squirmed and kicked on instinct. His eyes darted between mine for a moment, and then he lowered his head and sank his teeth into my neck.

The combination of the confusion in my head, mixed with the eroticism of Reuben biting me shut my brain off. I wasn’t capable of speaking at that point.

His teeth cut into my skin and I gasped, and then I felt his tongue lap against my neck. A low growl reverberated through both our bodies and his hands tightened around my neck and my wrists.

Then he dropped me. He pulled away and let me go, and I fell to the ground. My knees hit the yoga mat that Becca had set out for me – was Becca here? Was that Simon in the corner? – and I felt like I was falling out of myself, out of wherever I thought I was.

My body was dragged by my arms and my hair towards the rack in the corner, and I felt bile rise in my throat. At the same time, a deep pang of desire and need clenched deep in my gut.What the fuck? How am I scared and turned on at the same time? What the hell is wrong with me?

He pushed me against the rack mounted to the wall, and I remembered where I was. A quick memory invaded my mind of Woodrow strapping me here. I had absolutely no safety, no control, because he wouldn’t fucking listen to my safeword.

Shit. Oh my God, someone help me!I felt my mouth move on my own and I wasn’t sure what I was saying. A hand wrenched my face up, and I met his eyes—

Reuben’s eyes. Reuben was here.

“I’m okay.”

Somehow, my clothes were gone, and I was cuffed to the wall behind me. His eyes glowed with feral energy, and he cracked his knuckles. The leather tails of the flogger snapped against my skin.

“I’m okay.”

Knowing I was safecombined with the onslaught of memories I was experiencing was a really fucking weird combination.

I could see Reuben, his eyes dark and intense and filled with fire, laughing at me as I struggled against him. I could feel his hands around my neck, tight and unrelenting the way the collar had been. But it wasn’t a collar, and it was him, so it was okay. I could hear him saying the same things Peter had said, but it wasn’t Peter. It felt the same, but it didn’t.

It was overall very confusing.

I knew I was panicking, but I was also starting to float and settle into the scene. Part of me wanted this over, and the other part of me was afraid that if I didn’t get through it, everything would fall apart. I saw that look in Reuben’s eyes as he held me there, letting my legs kick against nothing and the blood cut off from my brain. He smiled at me. Like he knew. Like he was waiting.

Like he was proud of me.

“Come on, sweetheart. Tell me to stop.” Another slap in the face.

“I don’t want you to stop!”

Softly, he whispered to me, “I need your trust more than I need your pain.”

And he was right. It was on the tip of my tongue, and I had to choke the word out, because I was so fucking terrified I’d see him roll his eyes, or sigh in defeat, or hesitate when I said it.

But he didn’t. His eyes widened and I watched my safeword physically jerk him out of his headspace.

Instantly, he released my throat, unbuckled my wrists from the cuffs he’d used to restrain me to the rack, and pulled me into his arms.

There was a strange, high-pitched sound in the back of my mind that I was pretty sure was my blood rushing back into my brain. He wrapped me up in a weighted blanket and held me against his chest, rubbing my back and kissing my hair as he spoke to me in a low, soothing tone.“You’re safe, sweetheart. I’ve got you. You’re safe. You did such a good job. I’m so proud of you. You were so brave. You’re okay. We’re here, I’m here, your friends are here. You’re okay. What a good girl I have.”

I hugged him tighter and the high-pitched scream seemed to fade away slightly, like I was coming up out of a nightmare.

Only I was never in my nightmare, because Reuben had been there the whole time. I’d seen it all; I’d seen Pete, the flash of his eyes, the smile on his face, the confidence of his hands holding the whip. Only it had been Reuben, with a flogger instead. And he’d had this look on his face while he watched me carefully, waiting and listening.Careful. Intentional.

As the adrenaline burned its way through my body and the rush and the terror faded away, other things clicked into place as well. I’d seen Simon sitting on his stool, watching me and listening. He’d made eye contact with me as if to make sure I was still able to communicate. I’d heard him say, “Reuben, hold on,” when I felt my throat close in terror, and Reuben had hesitated and waited until I made eye contact with him again. I’d seen Becca stand up when I uttered my safeword. She was beside me now, holding a bottle of water, saying something that I couldn’t quite connect with.

I pressed my face into Reuben’s chest and breathed in as deep as I could.

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