Page 134 of Ashes of Sin and Stardust

I nodded and dabbed at my face with my napkin. Megan may never know it, but she had told me exactly what I needed to hear. I had given up on the idea of finding someone like Augustus Quinn, of finding someone who would love me like he did. But maybe, if I was brave enough to try one more time, to let go of that lie...

I took a deep breath and tried to distract myself from my heartache. “Okay, now the real questions,” I said, sitting up straighter and folding my hands. “What is he like in bed?”

Megan laughed and blushed. “Um... intense. A little mean. Demanding... pretty much exactly what you’d expect. He’s not gentle. He’s a sadist... he uses orgasms as a weapon. But you’ll still be addicted after the first one. Sex doesn’t feel likesex...it feels like a monumental event. Have you guys played together?”

“Just a spanking. Oh, and he spit in my mouth once. That was... wow. Yeah. Anyway.” I shifted on my barstool. “Um... Okay, best scene you ever did together?”

She blushed again. “We were together for about a year and a half. I’d moved in with him a few months before and was learning how to serve him around the house, take care of Robin... we had done a few scenes together but nothing very intense. Just training mostly. And I was a little disappointed because it all felt very... basic? Or, tame? Like, I knew he was holding a lot back from me. And I told him I wanted more.

“That was the first time he put me into subspace, and he did it without laying a finger on me. He made me come six times just by whispering in my ear. That man is scary, Alice. He can make you do anything he wants you to... which is why youhaveto trust him. Youhaveto know where your limits are. He’ll respect them, he’ll stay away from your hard limits with a ten-foot pole and never even consider pushing you towards them, but if you aren’t clear with what you’re not okay with, he’ll put you there,and you’ll do it, because it’shim. He knows how to play with power. It’s power that gets him off.”

I thought back to when he’d told me about his hypnosis kink. What would it be like for him to snap his fingers and send me into subspace? Would he break the brat and turn me into a good girl like Sophie? Could he? There was something exciting about him having that level of control over me. And I wanted it... because I wanted to see if he could.

“Did you like the hypnosis?”

She smiled. “It’s probably the one thing I miss. We did a lot of it while we were long distance, because he could send me tracks to listen to. I would record myself listening to them and he could watch them... um.” She blushed and adjusted her hair, sitting up straighter. “He’s been teaching Noah how to do some of it. Trance is amazing, and those triggers he put in my head were my first step towards wanting slavery. The absolute surrender of power, lowering of inhibitions... I loved that he could force me into that place with a word or a snap of his fingers whenever he wanted, and I had absolutely no power to control it. It’s more than hypnosis, it’s brainwashing. Iloveit.”

I felt myself blush at the idea. When Reuben had mentioned the idea of a trigger for me, it scared me a little. But the way Megan talked about it made me want to bring it up to him.

If he ever let me into his house again.

“What was the worst punishment he ever gave you?”

“He asked me to do something by the end of the day, and I chose not to do it. I can’t remember what it was... it was small, seemingly insignificant. But it wasn’t about the task, it was about the disobedience. I thought my convenience was more important than serving him. The lecture I received... I could tell he was disappointed in me and that made me feel so gross.

“Like I said, I’m not a masochist. He took me downstairs, rigged me up in chains, and caned me. It was the worst beating of my life.” Her voice lowered and quieted as we spoke, and she glanced around us, making sure nobody was listening.

“I was actually close to using my safeword. That had never happened before. If he had continued, I would have.

“It lasted forever. Strike after strike, this steady, constant pace that never seemed to stop. But the way he looked at me...”

Megan shivered. “I’ll never forget the look on his face. The only way I can manage to take pain is if I know I’m bringing my Dom pleasure. But he didn’t enjoy a single strike he gave me. I could tell.That’swhat broke me. He hit me to punish me, not because he wanted to.

“That punishment completely broke me of any will or desire to fight back or give him attitude. From that point on, it didn’t matter what he told me to do, how absurd or how ridiculous it was, or how humiliated I was to do it. I did it, no questions asked, and I did it with as much will to please him as I could muster. I never wanted to see that look of disappointment on his face again. That’s why you have to trust him. Because I would have doneanythinghe told me to do without a second thought. The idea of seeing that look on his face again was just...” she shook her head, her eyes unfocused and slightly downcast as she remembered.

We were both quiet for a moment. I didn’t know the kind of beating that Megan was referring to. Augustus had never hit me to punish me, not really. All our impact had been for play. Bruce and I had never gotten that far. Michael had enjoyed hurting me because that was the point of our relationship, and so had Simon. And Woodrow and I only had play impact scenes. He was never really my Dom. I couldn’t imagine Reuben hurting me because he was legitimately disappointed in me.

“How did you apologize when you knew you fucked up?”

Megan’s lips twisted into an awkward smile. “Naked, on my knees, with his cock in my throat.”

I nodded and stood from my seat. “Seems simple enough. I can handle that.”

“Begging doesn’t hurt... can’t say it helps, but it doesn’t hurt. Also, he has a weakness for puppy-dog eyes and crying, but don’t tell him I told you that.”

I grinned. “Don’t worry. I already figured that one out on my own.”

“Good luck, Alice. I’m sure I’ll see you around...” she smiled and cocked her head as she looked at me. “I think you’ll be good for him. He’s so lonely... and so bored. He won’t admit it.”

“Oh, he won’t be bored with me around,” I muttered.If he forgives me.

I said goodbye, left a twenty on the high top and got in my car. I had made my decision about Reuben. I was going to do things his way, this one time. Because based on the past week, and everything I learned about him so far, I knew it would be worth it.

Leaving the bar andclimbing into my car was the easy part. Driving to Reuben’s house... that was a lot harder.

He lived surprisingly close to Woodrow. Maybe five minutes away, and in the same subdivision. It was crazy to think that we had been so close by for so long but never met.

I circled the block a few times, not ready to pull into the driveway. Every time I got near, I thought,this is ridiculous. He’ll send me away, or tell me he’s not ready, or that it’s too soon, or that I’m crazy. He’ll tell me he’s disappointed in me.I didn’t want to see that look on his face.

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